This is a short one so I hope ya like it:
Love is a four letter word that is in my vocabulary no longer. You made that permanent for sure.
When I was with you I lost my 'cool' and you saw you didn't like no fool.
You left like you came but I'll never feel the same.
I must have said somethin wrong, somthin totally off-the-wall cuz now you don't call.
I'm still hoping 7 months later I wake from sleep to her my cell beep sayin I'm forever yours to keep. But I know it won't come true I'm wasting my time with you. I don't want to fool with you nomore bur for some reason I can't get you out of my head.
2007-07-11 08:21:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It's not a poem or a song.
What kind of feedback do you expect for mad "rabblings?"
2007-07-11 09:08:31 · answer #1 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweet heart, if this is the way you talk, this is the way you will write. And if this is the way you write, this is the feedback you are going to get from anybody who has anything worth listening to:
It's not a poem. It's a complaint, a rant, a vent...it's prose, not poetry.
It is obvious you are hurting. But with the language you use, which is kind of "tough," how do you expect people to feel what you feel? Your language really doesn't communicate the kind of "vulnerability" that poetry asks for.
I would really love to see you rewrite this, but I bet you won't. I bet you were just ticked off when you wrote it and planted it here and right-clicked away.
This little piece you wrote is "all over the map" in terms of what happened, how you feel, and so forth.
I'd like to know what really happened? How do you really feel? All I know for sure is that somebody kicked your emotional butt and you can't get him/her/it out of your head.
I'd like to know more.
2007-07-13 22:03:42 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Feedback: Your "poem" is prose, not poetry. I sense you want to write poetry, but have probably seen so much garbage passed off as poetry that you may have a confused image as to what poetry is all about.
In a nutshell, poetry is saying something more than the words themselves convey. It doesn't "tell", it "pictures"; it uses imagry to convey a thought or emotion, it isn't a dictionary, a guide or a journal entry. You don't say "I went to the store to buy grapes to help me forget what a bum you were to me", you say "I went out to buy purple pearls of sweetness to get the taste of you out of my heart". You also treat the words with respect, which means you don't say "nomore" or "sayin" or "like no fool" or "cuz" or "somethin". You also watch for typo's before you post, so you don't say "you nomore bur for". If you're a poet, the words are your children and you don't send them out half-dressed or with their clothes on backward. You can do better.
2007-07-13 02:55:52 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW! Touching..
broken wounds need healing
can they ever really leave once they have touched the root or core of our soul. parts of them shall remain for eternally.
2007-07-11 15:29:43 · answer #4 · answered by NDmom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very interesting!!!! You must be broken hearted :( !! If you wrote this, its really, really good!!! :D
2007-07-11 16:18:43 · answer #5 · answered by *luna's lover* 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it sounds like your heart has been broken.
2007-07-11 15:25:42 · answer #6 · answered by ellsea m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hate it- sorry
ramblings.
2007-07-11 15:25:38 · answer #7 · answered by theman134 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋