What if you had a significant person in your life who you could plainly see subconsciously and perhaps even conscuiously wanted you to fail in order to ensure you had a NEED for them in your life. What if that person had some severe mental and emotional issues that you'd always tried to accept and deal with in your own way (knowing that we all have issues) so you could keep that person in your life. What if you truly DID need them even without their attempts to cause you termoil in your pursuit of your goals and dreams.
Ever seen the movie "Monster In Law" well, thats the case. . .only it's not as simple as a just the relationship. . .it's everything. . . everything right down to simply being the best "me" I can be. . . and this person fears that my happieness with either omit her. . .or "out do" her life's achievements in some way. . .
Lord, it is very complicated.
What would you do if this person was a PARENT?
How do you deal with that?
Fory
2007-07-11 08:10:46 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
It's called codependence. You both need therapy.
http://www.coda.org/patterns.php
good luck.
2007-07-11 08:24:22 · answer #1 · answered by pm 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have learned to love from a distance. I don't know how possible that is for you in your personal life. But, for me, there are people that I love and need and don't know what my life would be like without them. These are the same people who subconsiously (one person conciously) try to sabotage my life or downplay any joy or achievement I have. These people, though I love and always want in my life bacause of that love, I keep a distance from. Not that I avoid them. Maybe instead of visiting or meeting up for lunch, I call them instead. I email daily as to not have to physically be in their presence. The sad thing is, when a achieve something I think is great, I may not even tell them, or wait for a while until I do. I had to learn that keeping them so close to me was hindering me from achieving my goals because they were worried that my achievements would "outshine" them......but also realize that I can never really turn my back on someone I love....I guess I'm just a sap, so I love and communicate with them long distance style. I think I've rambled enough..take care.
2007-07-11 15:28:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know I know its been awhile...
but I'm thinking that YOU have to figure out why you need this person so much....
Secondly weather you know it or not all our friends, associates, etc we use them for something. I believe it is called the social exchange theory where we seek people with whom we can establish a roughly equal interpersonal change.
I'm not saying this is it, but im mean its a good guess. I use to have this problem with an ex of mine when I first started college. I was going to school to become a physiologist and I went to the gym everyday and workout and everything. She didn't like me trying to better myself educationally and physically I didn't know why, but when i began to think about it she didn't want me to better myself because she was afraid that if I became better I would forget about her and leave her.
Even today I experience jealousy and I think it both (jealousy and co-dependency (A desire to control or a need to be controlled)) form from low self-esteem. He might be scared your bettering yourself in hopes to attract someone else or he might have been raised to be co-dependent. There are many factors that can lead into why he wants you to do bad.
The best thing you can do is make a list of pros and cons and you have to decide weather the relationship is worth sticking with. If you think it is then talk to him openly and share your feelings (even though you prob already do so), but you have to keep reassuring him of your feelings and you have to accept that it might never change or he might come around one day and change. If you decide that its not doing you any good the best thing you can do is cut every string for a while to not be dragged back in and then start back your friendship slowly.
I know its not the best advice, but it might help.
I remember this song by cassidy (a Philadelphia rapper) called "6 Minutes of Death" lol and in it he says "Keep your friends at a distance and your enemies close cause the folks you call friends tend to envy the most."
2007-07-12 10:08:23 · answer #3 · answered by J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You’re right on with this question. I have a close family member who I believe feels good when she's needed. She loves to help people out even if she helps put them in a bind to do so. When I was a younger man she thought I was so crazy because I seemed to have this quite confidence about myself. She would say I was unconcerned. I was really very unsure and shy as an adolescent and I really don't think she picked up on my need for assurance because I was quite. Whenever I did have some sort of confidence and expressed it in anyway she would always counter my ideas, actions and goals to attempt to make me doubt myself. I know she didn't mean any harm she simply had a need to be needed and she knew once I got mind made up I wouldn't require as much help anymore. Honestly her scare tactics worked very well for many years. I went through my 20's totally unsure of where I stood as a person. I made a whole lot of mistakes in those years and she was always there to bell me out. She raised me to apologize for being confident and secure in myself. I overcame this way of thinking a few years ago. Still to this day I am very cautious about what I say to people and I apologize to people a lot. I sometimes feel bad whenever I stand up for myself because of the way I was raised. Now I'm conscious of my insecurities. I love to say "I'm secure in my insecurities" and this maintains me. Now that person who taught me to be so insecure loves and respects me in a more adult manner. She no longer cares if I'm in need of her help or doing well without her. We have a great relationship. The woman is my mother my favorite person on the entire World.
2007-07-11 17:16:31 · answer #4 · answered by Big Sam D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The way you state you question, it cannot be answered. You need them, but they want you to fail.
You must take charge of your own life, if you truly want to be the best that you can be, and this person is an obstacle to that goal, then that obstacle must be avoided.
Or it could be, that you are just looking for a reason not to be "the best", and this person has become that reason.
2007-07-11 22:08:24 · answer #5 · answered by All-One 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think in this case you have to learn to ignore what this person says negatively to you. You know where you are in your life and your opportunities to grow, so go for it. Don't let anyone keep you down to make themselves feel better. Keep at it and try to love & accept them for who they are and ignore any negative that comes from her. I think when you get to where you want to be, she will rejoice with you. I hope so anyway. Just don't let it stop you from being the best you can be. There will always be barriers, roadblocks and people who want to stop us from acheiving our goals, but if you want something bad enough, nothing can stop you.
2007-07-11 17:15:55 · answer #6 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you an adult? Get a job and ditch their sorry ***.
2007-07-12 10:25:04 · answer #7 · answered by xXx 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋