How late is too late for your spouse to say out? Do any of you married couples have a curfew?

Question

This issue is really causing problems in my marriage. We have been married for three years, but we are both fet up with the marriage. Read some of my previous posts to see why. In a nutshell, my husband has cheated on me, twice technically, he has a history of lying and he is addicted to porn. Why I still stick around is beyond me, but I can say that I actually love this man. However, he is very stubborn, manipulative and rebellious for an almost 29 year old. If I say I don't like something then he is going to make sure he does it anyway. One of our biggest problems is that when he goes out with his single friends (majority are single), he USUALLY stays out late, like until after 2 a.m. and one time he came home at almost 4 a.m. No, he doesn't do it all the time but when he goes out he usually does not come home until after 1 a.m. almost 2 a.m. His excuse, the single guys weren't ready to come home or they don't leave to go out until 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. I have told him ...

Flat out that him rolling up in here that time of the night is not going to work. He gets furious when I say that and tells me that he is not a kid. That I do not have any kids yet, so therefore I need to stop trying to treat him like a kid. Since he has cheated, I told him that I was not comfortable with him spending the night anywhere anymore. He doesn’t like that either. He uses drinking as an example. He said he could get pulled over or fall asleep at the wheel if he’s drinking and driving. I told him to drink in moderation. Have two drinks instead of five or six. But I made it clear that there should be no excuses as to why he can’t come home. He feels as if I am being unrealistic in thinking he can be home before midnight if he goes out. But here’s the catch … I never put a time limit on it. I just said 2 a.m. and up is not going to work. How often does he do this? I would say once or twice a month. But it’s too often to me.

His single friends invited him to go to a family reunion in Arkansas this weekend. He wants to go and mentioned it to me on Monday, way after they had talked about it. He basically said he is “thinking” about going. I told him I wouldn’t be here waiting on him when he got back. He got upset. I understand that life goes on even after the infidelity, but it takes time to regain trust. Before I found out about any cheating, there wouldn’t have been a problem. His childhood friends are more important than his wife. I found out that he called his mother yesterday morning, looking for her to side with him. But when she too told him he was wrong he got upset and told her not to get mad at him because he has friends (same thing he has told me). His mother suggested that he leave the single friends alone. I didn’t ask that of him. I just asked that he realize that he is now married and that he change how he hangs out with these friends.

He insists that he is not going to stop being friends with these people. But they are sleep around with different women. Even his married friends do. What makes him exempt, especially if he’s done it before? Birds of a feather flock together, right? He kept saying just because he’s married life isn’t over. He’s right. But the way you LIVE life has to change. I made a commitment when I started dating him. I also made a commitment when I married him. There was nothing out in the streets that I was missing. I like to go to bars and to clubs on occasion, but if he weren’t comfortable with that then so be it. I have changed my life to fit within my marriage. Whatever my single friends are doing, that’s them. But I know where the draw the line. Am I truly wrong for wanting him to respect me and act married? What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

I think this is a lot. I think your husband isn't as committed to your marriage as you seem to be or as you want him to be. I think that unless you two turn things around soon that the marriage will not last. First you need to figure out what YOU want. Then ask your husband if he wants out of the marriage. Flat out. No excuses. Don't scream or holler or cry, just give him the opportunity to get out if he wants. If he says no, that he doesn't want out, then lay down the rules then and there. Yes, he is a grown man not a kid, No, life doesn't stop when you get married. But you are right, HOW you live life does change. Tell him while of course giving him a curfew is insulting his adulthood, that his staying out until after 2 am is insulting your wifehood. He's disrespecting you plain and simple. Now that fact that you stayed with him after he cheated is a big deal. He now feels like no matter what he does you won't leave him. You have to show him otherwise. Don't hand out hollow threats. Sit him down, explain that especially since he's had the affair, that he needs to be home in a timely manner. All bars and most clubs close at 2 am. And even if there's an all-nighter open, he's married, not single, and needs to come home. The thing is, when a man loves a woman he WANTS to come home to her. He wants to shun his buddies and his old life to make a new one with her. My husband used to go out a lot - as did I - but when we got married, even before, he began to put that life behind him. There is nothing in those streets for a married man past 2 am but another woman's bed. Period. I don't care what your husband says. Tell him he either begins to behave in a manner befitting a married man or you are leaving. As for the trip away, I wouldn't allow that. He's already proven that he's untrustworthy, so a weekend away is just asking for trouble. At this point, since he cheated, he should be doing everything possible to please you and make you happy, not giving you more reason to worry. I'm sorry but things don't look good. Unless he does a complete 360, I seriously don't see your marriage working out. Your name is "change me lord" perhaps you can seek marriage counseling at your church? But if he's not willing to try, then you must let him go...for your own sake. Good luck.

Answer 2

While I don't condone cheating, YOU have made the choice to stay with this man. Given what you've shared I don't know many women that would make the same choice, but it's your choice nonetheless.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship is tricky. I think our first instinct is to put restrictions on the other person or try to monitor their behavior (setting up a curfew, monitoring the computer for porn, etc). Actually, doing these things is only making the situation worse. Keeping tabs on someone is the opposite of trust. At some point you'll have to let go; THAT's when trust happens. Knowing that they have the opportunity to "do you wrong" but choose not to - THAT's when you can trust them.

While I hate to side with a cheater, your husband is right: you are treating him like a child. He is an individual - though he may be flawed and have made mistakes, he does not "owe" you anything. You owe it to each other to commit to the relationship - as equals who care about each other. If my husband ever told me I'm not "allowed" to stay out past a certain hour, I'd laugh. I'm my own person with free will. It's not my job to cater to his insecurities. If he has serious anxiety about me staying out late, then that says more about him and the weak status of our relationship than it does about me or my behavior.

Bottom line: you can not control what another human being chooses to do. You can either accept it, or leave. But "parenting" him will not solve anything. If anything it will cause more bitterness and resentment. And besides, why would you want to take on the of hassle & responsibility of monitoring a grown man's every move?

Answer 3

Wow, I too, can't believe what a compassionate, forgiving person you are being. There isn't a justifiable cause for his behavior. I don't believe he's sorry he cheated, I think he was probably sorry for getting caught and now that he's realizing that you took him back, he feels free to do it again, whether he's aware of it or not.

That made me laugh though, that his mother understood your side, I do too. I never had a curfew per se, but even when I did leave, to spend a couple of days with my mom, dad, sister's, brother, even a few hours, I would let him know when I expect to be back, call if I'm going to be late, because in this crazy day and age, cars break down, road rage puts drivers in danger, alcohol impairs, but that's why there's a designated driver or cabs.

I'm really shocked with his past that you let him go out at all, especially with the company he keeps now. You're not being unreasonable and he's not really grown up. I know you love him, but how much more can you take?

Answer 4

I didn't read your whole "question" and I'm not really interested in you life story. However, you are trying to trust a man that has already proved himself untrustworthy in your eyes. Can you see how futile that is? Unless he is willing to work with you to regain the lost trust it doesn't matter what time he comes home, because nothing will get any better. I trust my husband so I don't put a curfew on him like I would a child I have to monitor. However, he RESPECTS me and he will call whenever his schedule is changing just so I won't worry. Counseling PRONTO is probably the only thing that will give you any peace of mind right now cause it doesn't sound like hubby is ready to grow up yet. I really feel for you cause I know how much it hurts to wait on someone who isn't coming.

Answer 5

None of this matters, the point is why are you still there. You do not really love him, not the way he treats you. Believe me it will not get better he has gotten away with it too long already. Face facts you need to find the courage to move on with your life. Before he gets worst. You do not have a marriage, you are making excuses for him and allowing him to do what he does to you. If you were not there all of this would not be an issue. Maybe neither of you are ready for marriage and trying to stick it out...for what...marriage is for life. He is a grown man....he is doing exactly what he wants...what are you getting out the deal. If it sounds like I am blaming you your right. Your still there taking the abuse. If he really cared he would nt be out with his single friends he would be with you. He knows right from wrong...and so do you.

Answer 6

This is simple. You'd be wise to take this advice too. Divorce. Period.
You have married a man-child. He wants to screw around, drink to excess and the only thing he's worried about is getting stopped for DWI?
No...he doesn't care. He's be the type that would floor it and run...killing himself or someone else in the process. He doesn't want to have you there for anything except a piece when he can't pick one ip elsewhere and he wants to know that if he isn't shacking up with some broad he picked up at a bar at her place, he has one to go to when all else fails.

Madam...if you keep telling people "I love him" they'll look at you like the fool you are. In fact...you'll be laughed at. Behind your back now but to your face later. No one will give a damn because you won't do anything to help yourself. So...it only boils down to this. You really like your situation and even if the majority of it MAY be distasteful to you...its tolerable for you because you'll stay and be a chump.

If you haven't the brass ovaries to make the break and let him continue on with his boozing, caurosing and whore mongering...then stop whining. Oher than that....you're stuck until you discover some pride in yourself.

Answer 7

Your husband has obviously not grown up nor has he taken his marriage vows to you seriously. He doesn't respect you either. Once in a blue moon to go out with his single friends would be acceptable as long as the same courtesy is extended to you. You would do yourself a huge favor by leaving this cheating jerk you call a husband. He is going to do whatever he wants no matter how you feel. Why on God's green earth would you want a man like that???

Answer 8

No married people don't have curfews. But that's not your problem. You are in love with a cheater who lies to you all the time.
You need to either stop whining and live with it, or leave him. Just because you love him doesn't mean you need to stay with him. Some tines love just isn't ought to say a marriage.
He want to live the single life so let him, then you can find someone you can trust, stop this I love him crap, because just like you questions or should I say complaints, it's getting old. Leave or stay your choice, but if you stay don't complain.

Answer 9

You don't have any kids, he has cheated on you and continues to go out when he knows it bothers you is reason enough to leave. If you truly love him and want to work things out then you need to sit down with him and let him know that if things don't change then your relationship is over. Marriage is about compromise.

This man sounds like a man who wasn't ready for marriage and probably isn't going to change. He is playing on your emotions and that will crush any-ones self esteem. You are going to have to decide if you like being treated this way or if you are going to stand up for yourself and decide to be treated with some respect, you deserve to be treated better.

When you are married things do change, you could go out together as a couple. I don't believe a married man/women need to go out drinking with their single friends that is a recipe for disaster especially if he has already cheated. They should have gotten that out of their system before they were in a committed relationship.

I am not saying that married couples should stop hanging out with their friends and have guy time or girl time. They need this in order to have a healthy relationship. Going to dinner, playing poker with the guys or playing sports with friends is one thing but hanging out at the bars is for unattached single people. You need to stand your ground and not allow him to treat you this way.

Answer 10

after reading this post, I already know that he doesn't love or respect you. However,the first question in my mind is what is your problem. You allow him to treat you like this and still you are there. I would suggest that you get some couselling to find out why you allow yourself to be treated lke this.Obviously you also have some issues and I would suggest that you get them dealt with so you can move on and arrive at a lifestyle that will allow you to be treated - both by yourself and also by others-in a manner that you deserve. Life is really good but only after you get rid of all the garbage.