AFTER AN AFFAIR? Is it posible to ever trust and respect your spouse again?

Question

I love him, but have no trust and respect for him. Its been 9 months and I thought it would get better, but I still have days where I resent him, and everyday is filled with ZERO trust and respect. I fear that I cannot go on like this. I thought it would work, but I am second guessing my choice to stay married to him. I'm tired of "babysitting" my phone bill, and bank statements, I'm tired of wondering what he's 'really' doing, or where he's "really" at, when for all I know, he is true to his word, but in my head, I doubt it.

For the most part, he has been wonderful since. There are alot of days when life is good and it seems like we are newly weds. But all of what I said earlier haunts the back of my mind and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Am I giving it enough time? Especially when he has tried so hard? I'm really confused and I just dont think love is enough anymore. Should I wait a little longer to see if it comes back, or walk away now?

We have 12 years together and 2 children.

Answer 1

Forgiving him and trying to work out the marriage is admirable, most people just give up and get divorced. If you still love him and you think he is sincere about trying, then stay at it. Let him know that you forgave him, but you don't trust him. tell him their are times that you just get mad about it. that's normal and he should accept it. Tell him your willing to work at it, but it's going to take a lot of time. Some days will be better than others. I suggest going to a counselor, a pastor, or couples therapy. It may help you deal with the feelings that you have.

Answer 2

Its like this. The trust has been violated. An integral part of the relationship. If you see improvements...then if you can live with it let it ride. Rather than always 'babysit' the phone bills, etc...check them sporadically.
You certainally know WHAT to look for if your suspicions are raised..right?
You still love him of that there isn't any doubt. Its also normal to feel the way that you do and lets face it...pride hurts as well. but that aside the biggest issue is the trust.
So keep working at it. Sadly its much easier to enter into an affair than ever before because of the world of computers, text messaging and all this other stuff that puts the oppurtunity right at your fingertips.
In time you'll know if anything has taken hold. If he's foolish enough to pick up where he left off with this thing, then your decision should be relatively easy.
You're no stooge. far from it. You think rationally. thats more than I can say for a good 80% or more of the losers here who can't seem to manage or rationalize even the simplest of problems.
You have the strength, the courage and the smarts to muddle through this. I suspect that you'll do just fine and come out of this perhaps abit more wary but back on track.
The very best of luck to you. You're one of the few people here who I have respect for in being able to handle their own problems without crying, snivelling or going off half wocked....as the purtians at Yahoo would censor half ******.

Answer 3

You're being human and humans are imperfect, otherwise we wouldn't have infidelity. I would say that your trust and respect for him is zero as you said. It sounds like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and you're confused because you're waiting for it to happen even though you don't have proof.

There are things you can do now. The first is learning to let go, what I mean by that is this: You cannot CONTROL his behavior, what he MIGHT do, or you cannot UNDO what's been done. Walk through the worst case scenario, he does it again, what are you going to do? Freeze up? Divorce him? Start a new life? A new career? That doesn't sound like the end of the world.

What if this was a one time only thing? Spending the rest of your life policing your bank drafts and phone bills sounds like a lot of wasted energy for someone who DIDN'T cheat.

Your question should be, can you live with either of these, maybe see a counselor alone, together, either way, don't let what HE did, break you.

Answer 4

It is easy to say don't dwell on the past but the problem is, we would question whether this will happen again. We are human...very fragile sometimes and we wouldn't want such thing to happen again. We wouldn't want to go over the pain again. The first time it happened, it already broke your heart and trust...and guess how long to build the trust?
like the other answerers said, go and talk to someone (preferably professional) and there, tell your husband face-to-face how you feel. I cannot say how much time should be given to accept him fully again but if you are tired of just being a housework, why don't you look for some part time job or maybe join some local group. Anyway, enough said...good luck ;)

Answer 5

That is the problem after an affair. A woman decides she will forgive her husband. But everyday becomes this nightmare because maybe she can forgive - but she will NEVER forget. It"s in your head at all times. Even when you think you finally forgot about it - it pops into your brain again. Marriage is based on trust. The other person has your back covered. When one person destroys this trust by having an affair, it is never the same feeling again. I could never stay with a man that cheated on me. To know that he purposely deceived me just made me lose all respect for him forever. Only you can make the decision to stay or go - but if you decide to stay, you should both go for counseling because it is hard to do on your own.

Answer 6

I found out 2 years ago that my husband had been having an affair , the hurt is still there and I do not trust him at all , I am trying real hard to move on with my marriage but some days I just want to give up , alot of people will tell you to either forgive him or move on , but that is easier said than done when they arnt the ones going through it , I know just what your feeling right now and it really sucks I know, but praying will help I know because some days thats all I feel I have left is the good lord, and just knowing that no matter what, god will always love me no matter what happens in my life , I will pray for you, take care of yourself and one day you will figure out what you need to do about your marriage take all the time you need , its your life not anyone elses

Answer 7

Girl, i hate to say, but i don't think that feeling will ever go away...my hubby has never cheated that i know of, but the man i was with before him did cheat and now because of that i have trust issues with even my hubby who hasn't even done anything close to cheating or shown any sighn of doing such a thing, so even if you leave your hubby and find someone new, those trust issues are still gonna be there, once you've been burned by a man they have pretty much ruined it for all and it sucks, i'm trying to work out my own trust issues and i just can't say at all how to trust someone even if they haven't done anything wrong to you at all.....i say give it time and talk it out and pray for the best, good luck to ya

Answer 8

go to a christian therapist, 12 years is a long time to just walk away from now. it does take a long while to get past a betrayal. u will always wonder if he is or isn't, that's just how it is once trust has been betrayed, but as the years go by u will think less and less about it if all goes well and he never cheats again. its just a chance u take, when u take someone back who has cheated but as in anything in life its all a gamble, whether u stay with him or find someone else, that new someone else could cheat on u too. i would not throw away 12 years if he was trying and sincerely sorry and remorseful, i would seek some therapy first.

Answer 9

Well, let us first define what marriage is, and what happened.

If marriage/relationships are respect, admiration, passion and trust, hon, the trust is gone with the guy passionately pronging another lady... and for sure your respect and admiration for him is in the toilet too, as you have said.... It is just realllllyyyyy tuff to get over the image of the guy sticking it to another lady... and women have a really difficult bridge to get over on that one. Betrayal is the absolute deal buster in a marriage... it has forever changed how you see your husband, and your respect and admiration for him.... and obvously your trust too.... Can you get it back??? You seem not to think so.
Your only chance is to get into counseling (both of you) to see if it is repairable, and be ready for two years minimum before your marriage will begin to heal, and that is with no guarantee... call several, they will for sure tell you. Only about 20% survive passed two years and this is with both parties wanting to save it... Not a very good percentage, is it?

If you still think the guy is cheating on you, you may be right... there is lots of truth to ""Once a cheater...."

Try a few sessions... it may just clarify your options and shorten your limbo time.... one way or the other.

Answer 10

I know EXACTLY what you're going through and I tried an extra 10 years in my marriage before I said enough. I asked him to leave and ultimately remarried someone I had known for over 20 years and we are totally happy. But it was a horrible experience going thru the divorce, house move, downsizing house-wise too, and I changed jobs at the same time!

You should try counselling it sounds trite but it may help. He has to know what's going on in your sub-conscious. You don't say if he still behaves like there's someone else i.e. staying out late, "seeing a buddy from work" all that kind of thing. I know what it's like to feel like Sherlock Holmes going thru all the receipts, wallet, car and so on. Have you any knowledge of who the girl was and have you resolved that by confronting her and having it out with her? Or writing her a letter? You have to know 100% in your mind that she is off the scene. That you don't intend to back down. My ex kept telling the woman that she had to wait for him and he finally took up with someone else whom he got to phone transatlantic in the middle of the night to tell her "he's mine get over it" after she'd waited for him for 10 years. What a joke. I called the original woman and told her I actually felt sorry for her even tho I'd had a shovel with her name on it in the garage for the last 10 years and would have smacked her with it if she'd come to my door. She used to send me her Will and she'd slip her bra into his suitcase when he was seeing her so that I'd find it. I never did trust him again and absolutely thank God I'm not married to him anymore when I see him now he's all fat and debauched looking and I think ohmygawd I wonder if he cheats on his 2nd wife because I don't think anyone would want him now!!! He's such a sad looking person too now I think he regrets what he did. But you don't stay with someone who screws around because ultimately they've done it to your children not just you - but I hope you can be bigger than me and stick it out for their sakes. If you are truly unhappy and feeling lonely in the relationship and counselling doesn't work you may have to ask him to leave and start divorce proceedings. It's a truly sickening feeling I know. Good luck.

Answer 11

You need to stop dwelling on the past. Yes, I know it is not easy but you can stop. If you have truly, in your heart, decided to forgive and move on, then there is not a problem. Sounds like you have not truly forgiven him.

Do some soul searching and really make up your mind what you want. If you decide to forgive and move on, then do it. When you start thinking about the cheating, remind yourself that he has not done it again. Remind yourself of the good times you have had. Eventually, it will get to where it doesn't hurt so much.