Is this controling behavior?

Question

My husband has a past of yelling, throwing things around the house and at me,etc. People have said he is controling and he's about wanting power. It has been hard for me to see this...my husband is now taking online classes and will be getting finical aid between now and Sept, but we are not sure when. So once every once in a while i ask him do you know how much we are getting yet? (we are using some for bills). Last night he got angry with me and said do you trust me to tell you? I said yes, but to me this is not an issue of "TRUST". To him i should ask one time, and if i TRUST him I should not ask ever again. I told him this a free country and i have every right to ask what i want, he said go ahead but he will get mad at me, or he will not answer me. I was afraid of him exploding but I told him that I think he uses the term TRUST to try to control me what i can ask and not, when really its an issue about control, he has done this with other things that iask about as well. please help

Answer 1

LESS TRUST = MORE CONTROL

Do you know that trust is the first developmental milestone in infants - the trust the baby has for the mother and the mother's keeping of the trust of the baby that she will provide for its physical needs. This is why trust is such an issue with couples, because any type of emotional relationship has us work out our original relationship issues with our primary care giver - our mother.

You may want to look at what are your issues with trust, and ask him what his issues with trust are. You could probably have a very enlightening conversation about how your definitions of trust differ in order to understand one another better and work with one another on peace and deepening your union.

Answer 2

I have witnessed this behavior for 17 years (that's how long I was in the house) from my father. Any little thing could set him off. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells around him, always afraid of doing anything. I remember being woken up around 3:00 am one night with my mom scrambling around my room looking for a stapler and screaming at me, "Did you take it, Did you take it?!". He was in a rampage because he misplaced his stapler.

All I can ask you is: are you comfortable? Do you want to live like this forever? It is not a question of love. You can love someone, but still fear them or despise them.

My mom seperated from my father, and he went to therapy. She came back to him, and he didn't change. I really don't think people will change unless they acknowledge they have a problem.

My father is a very controlling person. He has to make the plans for everything and everything has to be run by him. I don't think that is a marriage. I think that is a dictatorship.

I really hope it doesn't get worse for you. Even though there is no physical abuse, it is damaging. It hurts and it breaks you down as a person. I have seen it in my mother. But no one is going to be able to convince you he is bad or this is a bad relationship. Only you can make that decision.
Good luck..I wish you the best. Please just take a close look.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like this is the tip of a bigger iceberg. Clearly, it needles him that you ask more than once. Maybe the implication there is that you think he is unreliable or such an idiot that he will forget to tell you when and if this money comes through. Or, more biting, that you think he'll try to secret it from you, and you need to ask him every now and then to see in his face if he's lying about it. Either thing is pretty insulting to him.

So, why DO you ask over and over? If you don't trust him, then perhaps you should bring that up directly. Cause asking over and over is needling, whatever your motivation is. If you have some other reason for asking more than once, perhaps bring that up -

Answer 4

Control? Yes, but in addition, he's verbally abusive, has anger problems.

Read this:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24524.1&x=y

Answer 5

yes that is controlling behavior bordering on abuse . I would run from this one . I have been there and done that . good luck and I will pray for you .