I found out this guy I have been seeing is married. Should I tell his wife, or just let it go. Serious answers

Question

I had thought for a while that he was lying to me, but couldn't confirm it, and if I made a comment about it, he'd change the subject or just avoid it altogether. I asked him upfront if he was married, and he said no. He had given me something of his when we first met that after I thought he was married I wanted to give back to him, he said he didn't expect it back. This is something that you wouldn't just toss or give away. It is personal and I do not want the reminder. I told him that I would mail it, or he could come get it. He said he would come and get it, but never showed. I have his home address, phone number, I know his wife's name, and his son's name. If you were a woman who's husband was doing this, would you want to know? They have a wedding anniversay coming up the end of July. 19 years. Would you want to know after all that time? I dont want to destroy his marriage, but it seriously bothers me that he did this. Should I just wait for Karma? Seriously answers only please!!

Wow, some really great answers. THANKS! To clear some things up. What made me think he was lying to me was that I never went to his house although he made a comment about I need to come over and meet his neighbor. (to throw me off his trail? possibly) the reason why i can not decide what to do is because I do NOT want anyone else to get hurt over this. I have been divorced 7 yrs. have NEVER been in this kind of situation, but I think she should have the right to know.She may already know I mean he IS in the military.I also thought about going to his commanding officer and telling him, but what purpose would that serve? none! I like the answer best that said I need to look at my true motives. This is kind of one reason why I haven't had a relationship in the past 7 yrs. TOO much freakin drama!! Single is the way to be. Just gets lonely sometimes and I think he used to that play on my feelings. I pray and have faith that KARMA will give him his just rewards. thanks everyone!!! :))

A little FYI - for those who read this and might be in the same situation. To find out for sure whether or not someone is married. Marriage/Divorce records ARE public. I found a LOT of info on Ancestry.com - you have to know their full name of course, but you'll be suprised about the info on there. Court records are also public.

Answer 1

I can see your need to want him to feel responsible for what he did. And maybe you think that by letting his wife find out, it will somehow make YOU feel better and validated. But trust me, you don't want to be that woman. Of course some woman would want to know if thier husbands are cheating, but believe it or not some don't. They would rather live in the "ignorance is bliss" mentality than face the truth about thier husbands. Honestly, she probably had the same "gut feeling" you did and most likely has an idea of his infidelity...or infidelities. You may not have been the only one. You're better than this drama revolving around him. Keep your head held high and move on from this with a better understanding of yourself. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking it has affected you so much and that it looks to him like you're trying to get revenge. Let it go. He's not worth it. And besides, his wife probably doesn't deserve the heartbreak as much as you didn't deserve to be lied to. It's his responsibility to be honest and to commit to his wife. Take this as a lesson learned and don't give him another thought...it's better for your soul to just let it be.
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 2

Ok, for sake of all others involved...don't tell the wife. I'm sure she already knows and is happier being content with the way things are than trying to start over after 19 years. What he did is completely wrong and I am a very firm believer in Karma. If this "gift" he gave you is that important...mail it back to his house. No return address, nothing. Let him fricking explain it if she gets the package first. Whether he lies or tells her the truth, you won't be the one to destroy their marriage. If you're smart, you will leave him be. He's a rat.

Answer 3

Speaking from experience, my husband did this to me. Let it go unless she calls you and asks you. See, I had an idea what was going on, and they both lied to me for months. I called her repetitively, and she denied it for months. I wish she would have just told me. Since I "knew" anyway.

His affair lasted for 5 months and I had NO idea. Even though I was being royally screwed over, I was happy. Then I found some evidence that suggested he was screwing around, and it was at that time, that I just really wanted the truth. So, if she has no idea, dont destroy her life. Sometimes knowledge is not power. But if she contacts you and you can just feel it that she 'knows', tell her. The wondering will kill her.

She may ask you alot of intimate questions about you two. And try to convince her that the details are not important. I asked and she told me and the thoughts and the images haunt my mind everyday. If shes persistant, then give her what info she seeks, but warn her, that the details will only hurt her more than shes already been hurt.

So, that is my advice. If she is clueless, let it go. If she suspects and contacts YOU, tell her. She already "knows" in her heart, and will deserve to have conformation that her husband is a lying cheating dog.

Answer 4

I been married 4 yrs and we have a 2 yr old baby girl, if this was my husband I would want to know. I mean I would be willing to go to counseling with him anything it would take to get us back on the right track my family means everything to me. I have been from a broken home and it is no fun for a child to be without their parents. I know if he has done this he will surely do it again, all he is doing is using other women I mean I have seen cases of men doing this and their wife not knowing and windeing up with aids over an unfaithful spouse. I would think about her life and want her to know why I wanted for her to know. You might help her in the long run instead of hurting her. I would rather hurt for a lil while then suffer a lifetime.

Answer 5

You think too much of yourself. Telling this woman would not destroy their marriage. After 19 years, she's well aware of her husband's infidelity; and you, unfortunately, are no different from the others he's fooled. You're in pain now and you want to punish someone, but it won't work. Guys like this don't experience guilt and their wives are already numb from years of pain. Whatever this personal item is, understand that it's only personal to you. Either throw it away, or hide it somewhere. Stop using it as an excuse to grieve. Next time, trust your suspicions when you're dealing with men. If you think the man is married, he probably is. Before you get involved with a guy, at least know where and with whom he lives. It's unfortunate that you had to go through this, but it happens. Learn from the experience and move on.

Answer 6

I know that most people in this situation would be very hurt by the deceit involved and he certainly lied to you and was deceitful. When we get hurt, we normally respond with anger and being human, want to pay the person back. I would suggest that you really look at your motives for wanting to tell his wife - are they truly pure or is there a part of you that hopes he will get hurt by you telling his wife?

Always know your true motives behind what it is you want to do before you do anything major like this. We like to think we don't have these types of thoughts or motivations but the reality is, we are all human.

One good rule of thumb that helps me is, what is it I hope to gain from doing this? How will this help me and will it be a positive action to others around me?

Good luck. I am glad you had the backbone to break it off with this louse the minute you realized he was married. And, you might consider just throwing the "momento" in the nearest dumpster.

Answer 7

I think that if she finds out, her first reaction will be to be extremely angry both at him, and you as well. She may be more angry at you, because it is easier to blame you than to accept that her husband has done this to her.
I would tell her, but not in person. She needs to know what he has done. If he has done this with you, I am betting it is not the first time, nor the last. You have done well to stay away from him - keep doing so. Depending on his level of attachment to you, he may lie to get you back, like saying he will leave her, etc.
I would write his wife a long letter explaining everything. Tell her how you did not know he was married, and if you had, would not have had the affair. Tell her what her husband has done. Apologize for the unintentional hurt your actions caused her. I understand that you may want to tell her on the phone or in person, but I think a letter is better because you will be able to put down exactly what you want to say, and she will be able to read and re-read calmly, instead of being upset and reactionary. Needless to say, send and sign anonymously.
She needs to know what kind of man she is married to, before he does this to her again. You are both the victims here - of a lying philanderer with no respect or regard for women.

Answer 8

That's a tough situation.

If I were his wife I would want to know. No matter how long the marriage is, cheating is unacceptable.

However, if you tell his wife most people will blame you for destoying his family and you will come out to be the bad person. In reality he is the really bad person because he lied to you and his wife (of 19 years) and he is destroying his family.

Maybe you can tell him that he needs to come to pick up the thing you want to return otherwise you will mail it to his home. If you have to mail it, probably his wife would start asking questions and find out.

I am sorry, no real advise here but you are in a tough situation.

Good Luck

Answer 9

You have to let your heart speak regarding what the right thing is to do. I can only tell you what I'd want. If my husband were having an affair, I would want to know (as painful as it would be) so that I would not waste another second of my life with the man. I would want to immediately get a divorce and move on with my life. And, after 19 years of marriage, I'd personally take him to the cleaners, get half of his assets, plus alimony. And that, young lady, is why he lied to you because he knows if his wife found out, it would cost him dearly. It's good that you're not willing to continue with your affair, now that you know the truth about this creep. Good luck in whatever decision you choose. Mail back what ever he gave you.

Answer 10

I say just let it go. You're probably not the first that he's cheated with and you're not going to be the last. On some level his wife may already know. You don't need the added drama or stress, just walk away and keep going. Don't take it personal that he lied to you, his entire life is probably a lie and you just happened to get caught up in it. It won't do you any good to tell his wife. A day will come when she finds out everything she needs to.