Tell me what you think of this so far.?

Question

I looked out the plane’s window to see nothing but the white clouds. I knew we were in California by now, but we weren’t near Malibu yet. I groaned and closed the window shutter. I lay my head back in my seat and closed my eyes. I tried my best to think, but I couldn’t. My head was spinning.
What was I doing? What was going on? Everything had happened so fast. My Dad had died in a car crash eight days ago and now I was sitting on a plane with my mother to my favorite place in the world, Malibu. My mom would take me there every summer because she knew how much I loved it. But right now the thought of living there didn’t comfort me. Right now I just wanted to be back in Friday Harbor. I felt safe in Friday Harbor. With my friends, and my mom and my dad on the small little island in the San Juan archipelago.
Everything was going so great until that one day. It was summertime and the sun had been shining for the last week. Then it had started to rain.

The hard drops of water splashing to the ground appeared as an omen and I could sense that something was wrong. Tears streamed down my face from my eyes while I relived the day my Dad slipped away from the world.
My mom looked at me and saw my wet cheeks. Her beautiful face was now filled with sorrow and hope.
“Jenna, everything will be okay. I know how hard this is for you. You are fifteen years old. You are probably fighting one-hundred different emotions right now. I’m so sorry that this happened Jenna.” I looked up at her face to see a tear leak from her eye too. I lay my head down on her shoulder.
“Thanks Mom. I’ll be alright.” I said lightly. My tears created a wet patch on my mom’s sweater. She didn’t mind though. She just stroked my hair with her hand gently and kept telling me that everything would be okay. Somehow, I believed her. Time goes on. We learn to forget the past and make new of the future. That’s life.

A flight attendant was coming around with drinks. I lifted my head up when I heard the cart stopping at our row. The attendant was a tall deep brunette and exceptionally pretty.
“What can I get you two to drink?” she asked sweetly. My mom ordered a glass of water and I got a Diet Coke.
“Thank you.” I said as she handed me my glass and a small bottle to refill.
I sipped slowly and looked out the window. We were out of the clouds now and I could see California’s beautiful landscapes and sandy beaches.
I tried to clear every sad emotion out of my head to just fill it with the good thoughts of Malibu. Surfing, sunny weather, a great high school, and we were moving into our summer beach house that I loved. I didn’t let any thought of why we were moving get into my brain. I used all my strength to fight the bad memories out.

All of the sudden, the captains voice boomed out from the speakers, “We are now arriving in Malibu, California. Please buckle your seatbelts as we land. Thank you.”
“Nearly there.” My mom smiled weakly, but you could see that she was fighting back the same emotions as I was. But yes, we were almost there. Finally landing, finally entering my land of hope. I smiled too.
The plane jolted and my stomach turned. I groaned.
Then as we soared downwards a searing pain arrived in my ear. I had forgotten about my ear-pains. I hadn’t brought any of my pills. Crap. I muttered to myself. I bit my lip and breathed deeply. My mom looked at me and sensed what was wrong.
“Oh, Jenna you forgot your pills?” she asked already knowing the answer. I nodded.
“Try yawning.” she suggested. I opened my mouth wide and my ear popped. I relaxed for a minute before the pain came back. I kept taking deep breaths and yawning. Eventually as we came closer to the ground, the pain went away altogether.

Then the plane hit the ground with a shake and we were speeding along the runway. I sat back in my seat and waited for the plane to come to a stop. When we were barely moving anymore, the captain made another announcement.
“Please wait for the plane to come to a complete stop before unbuckling your seatbelts. We hope you had a comfortable ride and hope to see you again soon. Have a nice day.” The plane rolled to a stop and I heard the clicks of everyone taking off their seatbelts. I quickly unbuckled mine too and stood up behind my mom. People filtered into the aisle as we waited for an open spot.

Answer 1

too much sorry

Answer 2

It's very nice and touching!!! And it is not boring!!!!!!! You are really talented! I like the way you express your feelings and the adjectives, adverbs that you choose for instance in describing the gestures; perhaps you should insist more on the parts with your father, describing for example how some objects or nature remind you of him (this when you are already in the house from Malibu). The part with the rain is very interesting. It reveals the fact that you are a sensitive person, attentive to details.... I would like to know how your story continues........... :)

Answer 3

I like what you've got so far but I would wait a little longer to tell about the dad passing on. Keep people wondering what is going on with your character... it seemed like too much information too quickly.

Answer 4

reads easy and the story is pretty straight forward... not bad at all!!! edit it a little though, try not to use cliches and work on the conversation between the mom and daughter, try get it more fluid...

whens the 2nd installment?

Answer 5

Wow way to long too read, but sounds like it could be good.

Answer 6

Too long sorry. But i read a little and it sounds good :)

Answer 7

are you trying to write a novel?
sorry, it's too long for my tired eyes.

Answer 8

too long to read... it'll get you honest answers if posted in literature category or something...

Answer 9

well, i'd put it in Books & Authors, but it's good so far.

Answer 10

that was good!