Short little something that I wrote in 82... Comments please?

Question

Woman’s Point of View
04-30-82

Look at it through a woman’s point of view
Your out always so late at night
You never come home what else am I to do.
You say you love me then turn and leave.
You take time out for sick friends
But you won’t talk to me.
Tell me what I am to do
Your always gone on weekends
You won’t leave a number to call
When I call the office your always gone.
No one knows where you are
Oh tell me please what I am to do
Just once look at you through a woman’s point of view.

Answer 1

I like the mirroring of the first and last lines, it is an effective tool in poetry. It would have been more effective had it been worded almost identical, however. Still, it made its point.

I also like the way you bring up the things that "he" doesn't do or that he "does" that bother you. However, you don't make the best of the comparisons in that you simply list them instead of using a thesis/antithesis structure. For an example, imagine this thesis/antithesis pair:

You never come home
But I'm home all the time

I want you to tell me what to do
But you won't talk to me

You say that I could call you
But you won't leave a number to call

Not that these are great lines, but do you see what I mean about "thesis/antithesis"? It's the paring of something with its opposite or argument.

Also, your poem needs to build up to your final line, the repeat of the beginning line, so you'll need to direct the list towards that end. Perhaps by indicating something about how you have tried to look at it from his point of view, but..."just once, look at it through a woman's point of view!"

You've got a good theme and I think you can make this into a very topical poem. Keep writing and test it by having someone read it out loud to you so you can use your ear to hear out it actually sounds (you can't really do this in your head because you "cheat" by "making" it sound different so it fits how you "want" it to sound).

Keep writing.

Answer 2

Speaks the truth. For some reason woman are subjected to the double standards most men bring with them.

Answer 3

This is the year of our lord, 2007. Keep your childish poetry in the 80's where it belongs. Your words sound like a cheesy 80's song. And i say all this from a woman's point of view.

Answer 4

Has this point of view changed by any means in all these time?

Answer 5

Thats nice I like the rhymes!
Keep writting!

Answer 6

Ah yes, I dig up my stuff all the time. :)
It takes courage to put your stuff out there whenever...
Kind of hoping you ditched him by now.