A rhyming poem from my high school years, what's your thought?

Question

Superstars

Now pictures on a tattered page
To eyes like mine reveal no age
My mind admits it’s being so
The many times I’ve been told
But never did I want to know
That Superstars grow old.

Somewhere in the distance there’s
A love that can not die
For the memory is stronger then the question asking why
Still as night approaches and
Dreams of you unfold
My love forever lives
While Superstars grow old.

Up upon a mountain there’s
A house old and gray
Where Superstars go and memories fade away

What is this peom saying to you, or better yet, what am I saying in this poem?

sp- correction peom = poem

To Grace & Kevin S...

Thank you both for your honest and helpful input. I have taken what you both have suggested and am reworking the piece from my past. When I am finished, I will repost it and look forward to your replies.

Peace & Love,
Sam

Answer 1

Hmm, this is nice. A little sporadic, but nice. I do liek the ending lines.. and the concluding stanza lines with the same idea, very good.

This seems it could be revised a bit, that third line of the second stanza is off by.. a lot. Mm I'm sure you can be creative enough to try and shorten it and still say what you want.

In anycase, I do like this. 'Superstar' is definitely the word.. how everything is so popular and then, poof! I liek the mockery and in the end, the bittersweet conclusion. Very nice, indeed. it seems though bit shrotened.. rushed. Try extending that last stanza to match the others. But keep those endings lines that last ones; they're very impacting and conclusive.

Keep writing!

Answer 2

Your poem has potential. I recommend a line break after "stronger" and replace "then" with "than" (it's the right word). Also, add "both" after "house" so it reads "a house both old and gray"...the beat is better that way and the meaning is unchanged. Finally, I'd change your last line to read:
"Where Superstars grow old (line break)
And memories fade away"

With these minor changes, I think you have a very good poem...hauntingly beautiful and fairly mature for a high school poem.

Answer 3

That is sweet! I rate it as a 19 from 1-10! Keep writting youre fantastic!

Answer 4

one of the worst I've read... like Natasha Hudson poem... jeez... n she actually publish it!!! just because she's some sort of celebrity

Answer 5

Sam,

I HONESTLY think of a yearbook when I read this! :-)

Answer 6

Nice :)