you like my newest poem?

Question

My life falls apart.
The stars fall down.
My friends all scream,
They don’t like me.
I lose my closest friend in the world.
Everything is going wrong,
But I continue struggling along.
A little peep into my world,
You will start to unveil.
And see my heart is really falling apart,
like my teddy that’s falling apart!

Answer 1

Needs a bit of work, but over all I can really capture what your saying from beginning to end, like a story.

Im not sure about using falling apart for both of your last two lines but it does add a character, because you compare hearts woes to a teddy bear, which says a lot more about you as well.

Good job, keep it up

Answer 2

A few thoughts about your poem, your topic and poetry.

Your poem, although a good attempt, is prose, not poetry. Prose is like a story where you "tell"...poetry is like painting where you "show". "My teddy that's falling apart" is a statement, not an image...you need to find the words that describe what you feel about teddy or how teddy feels about falling apart, or find a way to paint a picture of teddy falling apart without using the words "falling apart".

Your poem's topic, for someone your age, is far too dark. Your life is too new to be falling apart. Don't "dwell" on dark thoughts and bad feelings. It's okay to put them into words, but don't let them define who you are.

Finally, poetry is something you "have" to do, not something you have to force on others. Read poetry, different styles and topics, and try to imitate them with your own words. Don't become a copy-cat, just use forms already used by others to allow you a chance to "play with the words" and find new ways to say old thoughts. If I said, "she smiled at me real wide with brown stuff stuck between her teeth" it sounds gross, right? But what if I said, "she looked like an angel with a peanut butter smile"? The image you get is almost the same, but the effect is far, far different and much more positive. That's what you need to do, okay?

The most beautiful thing about your poem is your desire to write poetry. Keep at it, learn the terms, words, styles, forms, etc. and let your heart guide your hands.

Answer 3

Personally, i like it,and the way you describe things is good.however,the way i would rate it without biasis is that you need to work on getting the smooth rythmn=)
3.0/5 stars


Good Job
A poem is how the writer feels the way its describe and that was awesome!

Answer 4

Ugh.

Methinks it's time somone moves on in life. And this poem was sporadic and confused. Not confusing; I say 'confused' in that it seems you flip-flopped over what you were trying to convey.

Answer 5

It was great, until I got to the last line and then it became mediocre. Sorry.

Answer 6

sweetheart....Let me help you.....Poetry is not a journel, but you may use your feelings to direct you to one point and focus on your topic, poetry is an excuse to play with the words and letters of languge, a great poet told me that.