How do I move forward? Stay for kids or Move for Love?

Question

It's the most frustrating situation in my life. I'm married to a man who loves me, but I DON"T LOVE HIM. IT's a really long story of how I married, but to wrap it up, I intended to divorce him, was in the process of it, then found myself to be pregnant. I stayed for the child... Big Mistake... here I am, many yrs later... NOT HAPPY... We get along ok, but I Can't stand him touching me.. I finally stopped faking it, I feel freer now... but still married, so now what?? Do I get a divorce, or stay for the kids??? To even think of staying 10 more years is like a sentence to me... UGH!! He's not an awful guy, I just don't love him...Some people aren't meant to be more than friends. Yes I know that sounds cold, and it probably is... but to tell the whole story would explain ALOT...

Put it this way, I was ignored for all those yrs!! Now he's paying attention to me. People thought I was a Single Mom til Now!!
We have seperate rooms, the kids are fine with it..So do I stay?? Thanks

I'm fully willing to share the kids, I'm not bitter, or trying to take him for anything. I WANT him to find someone who can love him!!! I've told him that, he still wants me, and no one else.. I feel bad about that.>I do care for him...but that's it. Thank you for the responses... I agree it's not fair to him either, I've told him that too, he just wants me is all he can say.

Answer 1

Theirs got to be an inch in your body that loves him, you didnt go out with him get married and have kids if their wasn’t something . Maybe something that can be sparked with therapy or counseling. Because if he now loves you and is treating you great everyday and is a good father than he maybe worth another look because there are few good men out their like this . But only if you can change your mind set some how it’s not impossible to love someone who treats you right. And going threw more years finding a new great guy who will love you like this while rising kids is tuff and who knows how long this may take. Just keep in mind his knew attitude and the vows you made on your wedding day and the kids and think it over. Just don’t go out and cheat on him while your still married because it will hurt him and maybe even the kids when they get older if they find out you did this more than findout you dont love him. Me a religious person that values family life because it is beautiful would love your family to remain together as its is and will pray that hopefully god can help you find love in him. But the decision is yours just think it over and do whats best. Also read the answers by NetWoman, and Peggy Pirate that all have great things to consider that I left out because of room. God Bless!

Answer 2

Very tough situation. Hard on the kids too. I have a different veiw than you want I think but...my parents are alomst exactly like this. I lived with my mom and my dad didn't live very close (so he did leave, my mom wanted him to) but he still kept a job nearby so he would be around, came in handy I lived far from my school but he worked near it so we actually did find a lot of time to be together. Also my mom and dad are still friends and were the whole time (with few ups and downs, they tried getting together a few times again and my mo had a few boyfriends...whatever you do just don't put your kids through that crap, that is the worst thing you could ever do). Also during the better times my dad spent the night on the couch at my moms house (he a truck driver so he has a crfazy schedule) when he didn't have enough time to go alllll the way home but wanted to catch a 2 hour nap out of his truck, so I still even saw him then.

To put it simple, be true to yourself. You're not happy, you're kids will understand that and if you keep like this when they find out how unhappy you are, or down the road, were, they won't feel very good at all. I've been the kid, maybe I was jsut always too mature to be selfish and want two parents in the house, but knowing it would have made my parents unhappy would have crushed me, and well...it did.

If all else fails talk to the kids even a few sessions of couseling, don't fear it.

And good luck to you and a hug too!

Answer 3

There is no perfect marriage. Life is full of compromises. From your question it appears this guy loves you. He seem really committed to you. Inspite of not having sex you guys seem to be together. While these are not really healthy for your relationship, you both seem to be tolerant and committed. Kids need both the parents, it is always good to be together for their sake. If you are having specific problems, why don't you both talk to a therapist and make a sincere attempt to work this out. Eventually things will fall in place. Divorce should be the last option.
I have so many married friends and I am married too. Most men spend their time before the computers or televisions. They don't really have much time for family on a normal day! Atleast it is good that he is attempting now. Try to work it out, if not divorce could always be an option (but the final one).

Answer 4

First and foremost, you have to be true to yourself. Just because you leave your husband doesnt mean that your kids wont be able to see him. Youre kids would know how unhappy you are, even if you never said anything. Im sure your unhappiness is impacting on the family dynamics anyway and maybe your kids would be a lot happier being raised with one happy parent as opposed to being raised in an unhappy household. Kids grow up and live their own lives and they are not going to worry if what they do makes you happy. Staying for the kids sake sometimes can have the opposite effect and they can end up very bitter and unhappy themselves. Your husband will get over this, he will eventually move on. No-one should be in a relationship based on fear obligation and guilt. If there is no love anymore, then do what is right for you because if you wait too much longer you could very well end up hating your husband......if that hasnt already happened. Think of it this way....is this really fair to your husband? Dont you think he would like to have a woman in his life who can love him the way you can't? If you stick around because you are thinking you are doing the right thing for the kids but both you and your husband are not getting your needs met, then it really is a recipe for disaster. The decision is totally up to you, I just know, I could not live in a loveless relationship.

Answer 5

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

You have been choosing to water the other side. When you get there, I wouldn't be surprised that you aren't happy there either.

Love is a choice. You have to choice to love. It sounds like you don't even want to try. Who doesn't want to be with someone who loves you? It seems to me that there is another deeper issue here.

As for the kids, right now they are in the center of things. Like a nucleus, but divorce will suddenly make them the electrons. Shared between 2 nuclei. Divorce has negative effects on kids. So negative they could become the target of predators. Predators can see this. If you want to read a testimony of someone who went through this read

Twice Adopted written by Michael Reagan

Answer 6

First of all. Get out if it make YOU happy, cause the kids aren't going to be happy growing up in a enviroment like that. you might think their okay with things, but dependingon their ages if they actually are right now, they likely won't be later down the road. And one thing: WHY did you go on to bring more inocent children into this, if the first was not planned, then what were the other/s???? How selfhish is that I ask? Well no one wants/needs to be mirerable as you say you are, so move on, you say he's a good person, well then he obviously deserves better than you . Just my personal opinion, but please you really need to consider your childrens best interest in EVERYTHING you do in your life. YOU should come second to them coming FIRST. Good luck.

Answer 7

You deserve a full time wife who is committed to working out a responsible and loving relationship. Making love during a separation is quite common, but very emotional. Just remember once back in the same old grind, things will not stay that way. I don't think she loves you enough since she is talking to someone else. Let her go and get on with your life. Going back will bring you into the same old cycle. It seems that she only wants you when she thinks she can't have you. Good luck!

Answer 8

I was in your situation and I moved on for love. I had a very wise woman talk to me when I went to one of my therapy sessions i felt free in talking to her told her my situation she did for me what 13 therapy sessions did not. She said you are with a man you don't love and there is no doubt that you love ur kids. But have you thought that your kids are growing everyday and once they are all grown you are going to leave your house and you will be stuck with a man that you don't love and by then you r going to be older and lost so many years of really finding true love. Follow her advice a year later found the love of my life and now married with 2 beautiful girls and my daughter and my son of my previous marriage.Let go of that man you don't love and find someone that will make u happy . Remember you just live once, make the best of it!

Answer 9

Move. If you have 10 years till the kid is 18 and outta the house, there is no point in being unhappy. You have to take happiness where you can and being in a loveless marriage is not the way to go. Plus their is going to always be friction between you and the so called husband and they will sense it. Hostility does affect them. Even if its not in the open. Leave him and save your kids and yourself a lot of trouble.

Answer 10

You need to go. You deserve to be truly happy. The kids will admire you more (when they are older) because you did what was right for you, and had the gutts to do it. Divorce is hard. But staying with someone who you don't care for is harder. Life goes on, and as long as the kids know that it wasn't their fault and that mum and dad still love them everyhthing will be ok :)