Crtique this poem (made some changes)?

Question

Critique this poem

I want to be a wolf not a woman.
I want to be surrounded by my kind
I want to have four strong muscular legs not two flimsy ones.
I want to be free to roam wherever I please
I want to cry to the moon late at night with my pack.
I want to sleep in a den with warm furry bodies surrounding me.
I want to take down a buck with my pack mates.
I want to fight and get all bloody to become alpha female.
I want to be able to run swiftly through the forest.
I want to be woken up every morning with a lick on the nose.
I want to wrestle with my friends and have a good time.
I want to sleep all day long and stay up late at night.
I want to be a wolf.

Answer 1

You asked for a critique, so here goes:

There is nothing wrong with the "I want" beginning to each line, as long as what follows "flows".

That being said, it doesn't...but it almost does. For the kind of form you're using, you might want to try slant-rhyme (half-rhyme). An example would be like this:

I want to be a wolf not a woman.
I want to be surrounded by my kind
I want to have four muscular legs
Not two flimsy ones on my behind

By using three consecutive "I want" lines followed by a third line with a different beginning, and yet rhyming with the second line, you tie them all together with a turn at
the end of each stanza. "That" would be far more effective and still let you maintain your original form.

Also, use imagry more than description. You do it well with "surrounded by my kind", but fall flat when you say "run swiftly through the forrest". An image would have said, "run so leaves could slap my skin".

Finally, your poem begs for alliteration, so add some where it fits. "sleep snout to snout and sleep till sun" for example.

I'd say you have the makings for a really good poem...keep at it.

Answer 2

Same criticism as last time. You said too much. In fact, now you added to it. Try this. Forget about the "i want..." format, and write the same poem without telling me what you want to be. Be subtle, not direct.

Also, if you're awake all night, you wouldn't wake up in the morning with a lick on the nose. You would go to sleep in the morning.

Answer 3

Umm, you went from ok to bad in this. Next time maybe you'll hold off on the 'revisions'. You managed to make this poem sound even more immature.. 'get all bloody' is increibly sloppy poetic wording.

Answer 4

hmmm i like it i've got been examining 18th century poems all day and prefer this poem.. there a a e book that comes out consistent with annum that u can snd this 2 and that they're going to probable submit it my buddy did it..... yet her poem became somewhat depressing

Answer 5

I agree with KS, but am wondering, wouldn't you want to be a wolverine, rather than a wolf, if you are going to be an alpha female?
Margot

Answer 6

To me I don't really see a difference from your old one. But it feels like you just added on with no real substance. For example, your first poem was "I like cheese" your revision was "I like cheese, but not ham", and too me you could use a little "I love cheese because it creates a tingling sensation when it goes down my throat". something like that (sorry for the weird metaphor), just my opinion.

Answer 7

No changes necessary. That was a phenomenal poem. Bravo!

Answer 8

love the first version....dont tinker with it. its terrific.