What do you think of my poem?

Question

You came into my life
I thought that you were the light
But I wasn't right
Coz i thought you were bright

You said "I love you"
But that wasn't true
I did everything you told me to

I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
But you gave me your only joke
And you made out with Joe next door ☺

I know the last line sound weird but i cant think of anything and im still working on adding some more stuffs, and im asking for your help on what should i change or add and if you think its good or bad..

thanks..

i just made that up like 20 minutes ago and i was thinking if its good..i didn;t mean it to rhyme i was just listening to song and suddenly i said thos words and tried to remember it and write it down..

Answer 1

Poetry is a word art. The words matter. I think this will be better after you spend more than 20 minutes on it.

Answer 2

I think you did the right thing by writing it down. When you feel inspiration, write it down!

However, once it's written down, roll it over, test it on your ears, let it sit for a day or so, then go over it again. Rewrite it until you feel it really says, in the fewest words and with the most clarity, what you felt at the time or the message you're trying to impart to the reader. It is not really a good idea to write something down and then go out and ask others what they think right away. If you do, you'll get some of the replies you have seen that tell you to take more than a few seconds to write it down and submit it for review 20 minutes later.

Your intensions were good, your motivation was excellent, but you probably should have revised it a few times and tested it out on people near you before posting it online. This is a hard crowd and although you may get a number of readers who say "it's wonderful" just to get your to vote for their answer, you need to look at both the good and bad reviews to really get an idea where you need to improve.

Regarding the poem itself, there are some lines that work, others that sound false (even though they may really be what you feel, the way they were said doesn't sound like you'd say them if you weren't trying to sound "poetic"). Good poetry almost doesn't sound like poetry, it is very subtle on the ear and uses rhyme to draw you in, allows rhyme to trick your ear into remembering the line, it doesn't twist words until they fit the rhyme for rhyming's sake.

Keep writing, keep scribbling down your inspirations, just take a little more time revising before posting and you'll be fine.

Answer 3

I think you were thinking it is good because it means something to you. Just because we write doesn't always mean we want to publish. Sometimes we just need to say what we feel...and everyone can't do that face to face. Poetry/writing helps. If writing helps you, just keep writing. If it feels good, do it.

As for the expression you shared, in terms of what we think of poetry, it was weak. In terms of what we think of self-expression, it was fine. In both cases, you got your point across. But if you want an assessment of it as a poem, no, I'm sorry, it needs work.

By the way, whoever dissed you and made out with Joe is a jerk. Sorry about that. And finally, what is this about "I did everything you told me to do?" Never ever surrender yourself that way. Hold your head high, walk tall. Don't sell yourself short.

Answer 4

Charlene,

Poetry comes from out of no where to solidify how we feel at a certain moment. Rhyme scheme or not, it is what it is. I like it. Great Job!

Answer 5

It actually has a good story line. just concentrate on speaking from the heart first, rather than rhyming. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It speaks to the soul.

Answer 6

It is practice. Practice more. Read more poetry and ask yourself what you like about the poems you prefer. Do you like meter?It is not just an arrangement of lines.

Answer 7

i liked it alot!
it is very unique and your emotion really shines through.
your personality as a poet also really shows up through your word choices and that is a really good thing.

overall, loved it! it is cute, yet very meaningful

i really enjoyed reading this poem!
keep it up and keep posting!

:) :)

Answer 8

sad, nice work i like it tho. and relationships are hard to get out sometime and i learned it early in my life.

Answer 9

the rhyme scheme is too repetitive try improvising.

Answer 10

mmm...not inventive and definitely not unique. but good try.
sprinkle some more 'you' into it and i think you may have something...