Can you complete this tale with an *ahem* approprate ending? (just for fun)?

Question

Lady Minerva was bored to tears!! She was now betrothed to Lord Bigley and had "committed" to being true blue. It was proving futile!! Last night she had been SORELY tempted by her old flame Raoul and today she could scarecly keep her eyes off the woodcutter........

Wow!!!! Great stories!!!!

Answer 1

In my itinerant life, I've found myself in a lot of interesting places. This time, I'd been hired by the forester for a manor house, dwelling place of one Lord Bigley. It was a grand old pile, with a servants' quarters village out back.

Today I was quartering logs for firewood. Place the wedge, tap it in, hit it with the sledgehammer, repeat... tiring work. It takes a lot of wood to keep a house this size warm during the winter. The forester wasn't on the scene. He was sleeping off a hangover. With my dark skin, dark eyes, dark hair, he probably thought I was a gypsy, and fit only to do the work of others. My actual heritage is Luzon/Tagalog. I'd rather be mistaken for a gypsy than correctly identified as a savage.

I couldn't help but notice the lady of the house had her eye on me -- Lady Minerva, if I wasn't mistaken. Wasn't she a beauty! Dressed in frills, ribbons and bows in her hair, what wasn't covered by a rather ridiculous looking hat. It looked as if a swan had gone to sleep on top of her head!

Evening came, and with it darkness. I retired to my cabin, a one-room affair, with a rough mattress. It was clustered, along with a dozen others, around an outhouse. This was laborer quarters. The senior staff had better accomodations. No complaints here, I wasn't planning on staying long.

The door opened, and candlelight softly bathed the room. Why, it was Lady Minerva, dressed in a nightrobe! The dim light from the candle made her look somehow young, somehow vulnerable. I stood, bowed, and said "M'lady, I am your servant."

She laughed with merriment. "A gentleman!" she said. "Would that all the men I met were so." She sighed. "Take the ribbon from my hair, shake it loose and let it fall."

I did as she asked. She reached up and brushed my hair back from my eyes, then dropped her robe on the floor. She blew out the candle. "How it makes me quiver, how it makes me smile," she said.

I felt her lips reaching toward mine, welcoming, yielding, warm... This kiss, this kiss, it's criminal.

The door opened with a bang, and lantern light illuminated the scene! Lady Minerva grabbed her robe from the floor and held it to her bosom. It was Lord Bigley.

"M'lady, you'd best get back to the house now." He shoved Lady Minerva from the room. Anger flashed in his eyes. "As for you, woodcutter, we're dueling at dawn. Pistols, twenty paces."

Dawn. Only a few hours to prepare. Fortunately, I knew just what to do.

The day broke bright and clear, and when the sun hit the horizon, the butler came calling for me. "I am Lord Bigley's second. Do you have someone you'd choose to be yours?" he asked.

"I trust you to be my second too." I said.

He led me out to the fields. Lord Bigley was there, as were a couple of leather cases. Bigley was pacing. "Let's get on with it, I haven't all day, I haven't had breakfast," he said, as if he shot at least one person before breakfast every day.

The butler opened the smaller of the cases. Within were two pistols, old fashioned flintlocks. He proceeded to add powder and ball, and primed each. He handed one to Bigley, and the other to me.

"Stand back to back, count off ten paces, turn, and fire," said the butler.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten..."

I turned and dropped my gun. Bigley had turned, aimed, and pulled the trigger. There was a fizzle on the primer. Dud. I'd known that would happen. I knew the powder was kept in the gamekeeper's cottage, and I'd tampered with it last night.

I'd thought that would end the duel... but Bigley was apoplectic! "My sword, my sword! My honor must be satisfied!" he shouted. The butler opened the larger case, revealing two Spanish style fencing rapiers and main gauches. Oh boy. I wasn't skilled at this kind of swordfighting.

"That's quite enough," I said.

"You'll lie spitted in a moment; take the sword or die like a dog," said Bigley.

The pokeball was in my hand, then dropping from my fingers. I shut my eyes tightly, put my hands over my ears, and said, "Haunter! I choose you!!"

"HAWWWWWWWNNNNNNNT!!!" Even with my hands over my ears, that cry sent chills up and down my spine, and gave me goosebumps all over. From just in front of me, a cold cold draft was blowing. I heard shouts of alarm and panicked fear from the two other men.

"Haunter, hypnosis!" I shouted.

"HAWWWWWWWNNNNNNNT!!!"

"Haunter, return!" I said after a minute. I had to take one of my hands off my ears. A ghostly hand put the open pokeball into my hand... I shivered at the cold dead touch. Then the pokeball snapped shut. I opened my eyes.

Both men were sleeping soundly. I'd prepared for this too. In my pocket were a couple of small pouches; carbon black soot mixed with lard, and white ash mixed with lard. In a trice I had their faces painted to look like clowns.

Shortly thereafter, this itinerant was moving along. Always another adventure over the next hill, and if not, over the horizon.

Answer 2

Lady Minerva was bored to tears!! She was now betrothed to Lord Bigley and had "committed" to being true blue. It was proving futile!! Last night she had been SORELY tempted by her old flame Raoul and today she could scarecly keep her eyes off the woodcutter's smile and soft hands she was in love with the woodcutter man♥

Answer 3

Lady Minerva was bored to tears!! She was now betrothed to Lord Bigley and had "committed" to being true blue. It was proving futile!! Last night she had been SORELY tempted by her old flame Raoul and today she could scarecly keep her eyes off the woodcutter's wood !!! ........

Answer 4

Lady Minerva was bored to tears!! She was now betrothed to Lord Bigley and had "committed" to being true blue. It was proving futile!! Last night she had been SORELY tempted by her old flame Raoul and today she could scarcely keep her eyes off the new woodcutter, aptly named AJ Axelrod....

keep this open for a bit, silva. i'll try to finish later! =)

Answer 5

Lady Minerva had a genuine problem. She realized that her roving eye meant that she could never truly commit to Bigley. At the same time, she realized that neither the woodcutter nor Raoul was suitable for her. The woodcutter was swarthy and muscled, but . . . he was WORKING class. That would never do for Lady Minerva. Raoul was handsome and sophisticated, but she had left him because he turned out to be a bit too foppish and delicate for her taste.

Minerva hatched a plan. She informed Bigley that it was appropriate for him to throw an enormous feast and ball in honor of their engagement, to which all the nobility in the kingdom were invited. The ball served two purposes.

It was well-known to Lady Minerva (and everyone else, for that matter) that Bigley was a bit of a philanderer himself. Minerva made sure that HIS old flame, Lolita, was invited. Minerva's servants made sure that Lolita was stuffed into the most immodest gown at the ball. It was flaming red, with a very low-cut bodice. The servants made sure that her corset was cinched as tight as possible, to show off her wasp-thin waist. Lolita was stunning, and as planned, Bigley ended up in the cloak room with her, dress all askew, before the evening was half over. THAT took care of the engagement.

The other purpose that the ball served was to permit Lady Minerva to survey all the eligible bachelors in the kingdom. As attractive as Lolita had been, she was no match for Minerva that evening. Minerva was wearing a beautiful French satin gown that accented her eyes. Her countenance was easily the fairest in the kingdom. Her grace and charm were unmatched.

Minerva danced with many men that evening, and finally settled on two. One was Lord Michael, a very handsome man with rugged good looks and an aggressive manner that was charged with sexual suggestion. The other was Lord Charles, who was also handsome, but not as rugged as Michael. Lord Charles was intelligent and witty and was reputed to possess some remarkable and "interesting" talents.

With Lord Bigley occupied with Lolita, the engagement was off, and Minerva could take her time seeing Lord Michael AND Lord Charles. If either or both of them ultimately proved unsuitable, she was free to look elsewhere.

Answer 6

Lady Minerva was bored to tears!! She was now betrothed to Lord Bigley and had "committed" to being true blue. It was proving futile!! Last night she had been SORELY tempted by her old flame Raoul and today she could scarecly keep her eyes off the woodcutter........

Lady Minerva, that libidious loon should have been COMMITTED to an asylum for the sexually permissive!! The woman had no scruples whatsoever. Her affections(and body!) jumped from one man to another.
One minute she was telling Lord Bigley that she loved him.
He donned his Spiderman costume and DANCED with joy:
http://www.folkflash.com/Spidey/dancing-spiderman.gif
The next minute she was getting the hots for Raooooooul, the south American hottie:
http://www.notejode.net/actor/antonio%20banderas/fotos/Antonio%20Banderas%20(1).jpg
And then there was the woodcutter, Paul Bunion. He had a foot fetish:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinburman/498592151/

What to do? What to do? She thought that maybe she should ditch the lot of them and start all over. She thought about Sir Lance-a-Lout. Nahhhhhh....It took him so long to undress:
http://faculty.smu.edu/bwheeler/kinga/lancelot1.gif

And then it dawned on her.....The PERFECT MAN. A man of honor,(maybe some of it would rub off on her),bravery,kindness, physical strength and sexual appeal.
THE PERFECT MAN was............................................................
http://www.sign-here.com/gifs/images/w12150.jpg
Yup!! Big MattDillon, himself. She had just one teeny, weeny obstacle to cross however.........................................................
Yup!! Miss Sunshine MacGillicutty:
http://gertieland.com/nuriaperis/imatges/cg2/cowgirl.jpg

Lady M. was caught hanging 'round Sunshine's farm. Sunshine told her in no uncertain terms that she was tresspassing.....In more ways than one!!!!
http://www.autocrossen.nl/images/no_tresspassing.jpg

Answer 7

Lady Minerva, remembering her "commitment" decided to fire the woodcutter and put all her energy to honoring her Lord.

Answer 8

She wondered how much wood could a woodcutter cut if she was on his mind as mush as he was on hers. She saw the sun glisten off his broad muscled back as he raised the ax again, and again, and again and------! Her breath caught each time the ax met it's mark. That old familiar tingling set in. She watched as he began to gather an arm load of wood.
Quickly, she rushed out of the room and down the wide stairs to the kitchen. She arrived just in time to see him enter the wood storage room beside the big fireplace. She managed to slip unseen inside and leaned against the door as he stacked the wood.
"Hello, Raoul," she whispered huskily. "I've missed you."
He grabbed her and gave her an earth shattering kiss that made her toes curl. She clung to him desperately. Her skirts was up to her waist and her legs wrapped around his. The world disappeared around them.
An hour later as she tried to slip out of the wood storage room the cooks helper caught her busily straightening her hair and skirts. "I had something stuck between my teeth, " she stammered. "Raoul was helping me find a toothpick." she finished and rushed by him up to her room once more.
Giggling and hugging herself she thought. "Today the woodcutter, Tomorrow, the stable guy!?

Answer 9

Whom she perceived as being endowed very Bigley, and she was indeed committed to Bigley, and to Bigley she went there off.

Answer 10

YES Shrek II: Prince Charming wins, Shrek goes back 2 the swamp, and Charming and Fiona become King and Queen, just like it was supposed 2 be