New poem, a different tune.?

Question

Tears of life,
laughs of strife.
Smirks and smiles,
emotional piles.
A single wink,
a face turns pink.
Crimson blush,
soft and plush.
A flip of hair,
an icy stare.
Emotional turns,
a gaze that burns.
A nervous nod,
a heavy plod.
Shrugging shy,
light steps fly.
A mother's dote,
on a suicide note.

Answer 1

I was just about to hit "show me another please" when I got to the last line. Then I got it. Here's this capricious personality, this whimsical moody young girl...going through all the stuff young girls go through. And everybody just assumes it's her age, the phase she is in, etc. Then "Boom!" Gone. So what began and was received by me as a rather amateurish, trite little ditty had a twist at the end that redeemed the expression. While I still believe you could rework it, part of what made it work was exactly what I saw as the flaw in the beginning. So I have to give you credit for sucking me in and spitting me out. Nice job.

Answer 2

Very, very good poem. Probably the best I've seen in this venue. You've captured the short attention span life of today's youth, the clipped "refrigerator note" list of things to do today, the use of rhymed couplets in a way that compliments the verse without being "rhymy" and actually moves it forward, the alternating capitalization and lower case to show connection between line breaks...and the turn at the end...perfect, simply perfect.

Your poem is at once deceptively simple and extremely complex, a difficult achievement...you are clearly an experienced writer with talent to boot.

Keep it up!

Answer 3

I think its amazing! I've felt that way before, it helps alot to write it out.

Answer 4

I like it it's good

Answer 5

...wow. Please continue to pour your feelings into poetry, and not actually into a suicide note.