Does this poem make you enjoy your kids more?

Question

Beauty marks and buisness cards
year after year...

Exchanges of words
and sudden needs for paper
'we should meet again'
you say.
I don't think it a thrill.

Beauty Marks and Silverware
month after month...

As seasons change so does your need in china,
'of course we will use these' you say.
The Irony of a yard sale.

Beauty Marks and Children
day after-stop!

What makes children a mundane part of life...?
Why must they tie you down?
Who says that when children come..freedom drains!?

So when the mundane day-after-day
effect seeps into your life...
rebel.

Kiss your son and hold your daughter until
you feel alive again...!

Take their hand and guide them into
the mundane part of life with eager
trust
that
they
will
rebel
as
well!

-Ari

Answer 1

Yes however I dont think it is really a fantastic poem, Its not terrible or anything however it has aweful rythm and some of it doesnt make much sense, it also doesnt read out loud well at all.

Answer 2

The poem is okay, but that's about it. I understand the effect and the concept, but the execution is weak.

First of all, the last section of single words is distracting and appears as nothing more than a novelty...get rid of it.

Secondly, don't preach. I understand you want us to appreciate the kids more, but you're using a hammer to hit us over the head instead of a soft willow branch to gently tap our arms... we should be "led" in the right direction, not forced. If you rewrite the poem so that you are chastising "yourself", fine, hit away, otherwise tap gently.

Finally, don't think so linearly...you have some good lines, like "the irony of garage sales", but they're lost in the jumble of words. Be sparse, concise, edgy and imply more than the words say. Only you can rewrite the poem, because you have the picture in your mind. You have a good start because you have both the desire and the image...now start rewriting.