What's your favorite humorous quote(s) from a book?

Question

"Root snorted...
'Too much ... TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes.'
'That's Professor Moriarty,' corrected Foaly.
'Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.'
And with that elegant parting responce, Root followed his squad into the night air." - from Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer

Answer 1

(go Arty!!)

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. -- Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

Answer 2

I do not know the exact excerpt from the book, but hopefully I do not do any damage to the original context of this book. =[[

"After I told my brother that he would stay at a friends house while I was busy, he stopped and sort of nodded, in a way that I knew he was about to ask a question.

" 'Pip, where are you going?'

" ' Don't worry about it. I will be back to bring you home when I am done', I said as I proceeded to walk.

" ' Pip, are they going to fix you?' He asked.

"Great. Now, my brother thinks I am broken."

Answer 3

No matter who you are, no matter where you live, no matter how many people are chasing you, what you do read is often as important as what you don't read. For instance, if you are walking in the mountains, and you don't read the sign that says "Beware of cliff" because you are busy reading a joke book instead, you may suddenly find yourself walking on air rather than on a sturdy bed of rocks.

Lemony Snicket, the Vile Village

Answer 4

Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for [a young boy’s] poverty that he wanted to smash his pale, sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence because he brought to mind all the pale, sad, sickly children in Italy that same night who needed haircuts and needed shoes and socks... of all the shivering, stupefying misery in a world that never yet had provided enough heat and food and justice for all but an ingenious and unscrupulous handful.

Answer 5

"And he who has a fish scented crotch would be persecuted via the harsh and smug. yet she who replaced into meek and shy favored his fish heady scent, and would desire to no longer get adequate of his tuna, consistently asking him for a whiff of it." (Amos 7:8)

Answer 6

These are some of my favortie quotes from Harry Potter. They make me laugh every time I read them.

"This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry, still breathing hard.
"You're quite sure of that, are you, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry, with a touch of more defiance.
"This is the the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?"
"Yes," said Harry firmly.
"Then why," asked Snape, "does it have the name 'Roonil Wazlib' written inside the front cover?"

'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"
"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.
"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.

Answer 7

Jesus Saves. Read the book of Romans in the Holy Bible and learn the truth.

Answer 8

"Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?" said Zacharias Smith.
"Here's an idea," said Ron loudly, "why don't you shut your mouth?"
"Well, we've all turned up to learn from him, and now he's telling us he can't really do any of it," he said.
"That's not what he said," said Fred Weasley.
"Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?" inquired George, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.
"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this," said Fred. (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling)

"Hey, look - Harry's got a Weasley sweater, too!" Fred and George were wearing blue sweaters, one with a large yellow 'F' on it, the other a 'G.'
"Harry's is better than ours, though," said Fred, holding up Harry's sweater. "She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family."
"Why aren't you wearing yours, Ron?" George demanded. "Come on, get it on, they're lovely and warm."
"I hate maroon," Ron moaned half-heartedly as he pulled it over his head.
"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge."

(Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)

Answer 9

...the phone rang
'hello?' i pick up
' Johnny... your Edward scissorhands'

from the book Burton on Burton revised edition

Answer 10

"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them!!" ~Terry Prachett

"The most important things in life are free. The second most are expensive!!"