Men and porn.. be honest guys please?

Question

Married three kids , husband using porn instead of me for years i.e when i go out or am tired ect (alot of the time
without even asking for sex first )Personally I think porn is fine used together but not used like this i.e behind my back . I Keep catching him out which is causing murder PLUS NOW I DON'T TRUST HIM!

I'm v jealous of the porn and getting a bit insecure now ,speaking with a counselor though nothing is helping .Is this me? Do all men do this? Am i overreacting ? I don’t want to leave if the next guy is going to do the same thing …. We've talked about it lots and I'm up for anything sexually/ slim / attractive so what’s wrong ? It's v near the end and the kids are heartbroken but I can’t handle the mistrust. Sorry means nothing anymore it’s said so much Any advice appreciated

Answer 1

Married three kids , husband using porn instead of me
for years i.e when i go out or am tired ect


You can learn to allow him space for his personal life. You can learn to respect his need. And it is something which does not affect a spouse. How much money is he spending on it? If it is half his salary, you need to worry. Is he watching it with another woman? Is he enjoying it after being drunk? Or after taking drugs? An UNDERSTANDING response from you will be - Help him to do it, by making it private time and space for him, letting him the time for it etc. You could even get some stuff from your lady friends for him! Instead of a CRITICAL and ALARMED response like you are giving now, you can practice UNDERSTANDING response, which is suitable and very useful in life. This you can deliberately produce. The current one is probably one which is natural, i.e., which you saw in childhood, or which was encouraged in you in childhood. To show annoyance, to object, to seek sympathy from others, can all be habits which may not do you much good.

(alot of the time without even asking for sex first ).

If he asks first, how does it help?

Personally I think porn is fine used together but not
used like this i.e behind my back .

Why does he have to do behind your back? You behaviours and words and anger might have probably turned him off, and caused fear, not love for you, in him. A more assertive man would have done it on your face. You can help him to learn assertiveness from somewhere. He might be hiding because... well, could it be tht your output to him includes condemning, putting down, criticiism, or sarcasm?

I Keep catching him out

Isn't BOSSINESS another word for such behaviour? Or VERY LOW TOLERANCE? Who authorized you to catch a spouse, when he is engaged in a personal activity like some porn, which is not in public, or in the presence of the little kids, etc? Instead of CATCHING you can practice giving permission and joy, to husband and to kids, and to people and the world to live their lives! If you are unable to enjoy it with him, or unwilling to enjoy with him. It is also a difference between MEN and WOMEN. It is a male liking. A lot of women also like it.

You seem to have a level of tension / stress, which helps to produce such behaviours. It is a good time to think of negative-stress-redution-procedures, like zen, yoga, meditation, vipasana, deep relaxation, breathing techniques etc. etc. and t put in money and effort for a considerable time into such procedures.
which is causing murder
What does it mean?


PLUS NOW I DON'T TRUST HIM!
This may be true. For such a great crime as enjoying porn? He did not try to kill you, he did not run around with women all around, or crime, or theft, or murder, or drugs; he did not cheat you of all your assets. He enjoys porn, and so you don't TRUST him? If you keep looking for some reasons to trigger your compulsions (habits) like distrust, blame etc. it isanothe matter. You are free to do it! ('He eats onions, so I am divorcing him!')
I'm v jealous of the porn and getting a bit insecure now ,

Lack of trust and insecurity are aspects of one's personality, which develop in childhood. This is a good time to take a look at YOUR life, and your areas to change, with the help of some therapist or counsellor!

speaking with a counselor though nothing is helping .

Are you doing it to fix your hus, or to destroy your ego, haughtiness, control, intolererance?

What are your goals with regard to love life? with regard to your life? kids? You can set healthy goals, values, priorities and act in a goal directed manner, rather than reactively, as in this case.

Is this me?

Parts of you, which you introjected in childhood, are appearig with their own thought-behaviour-feeling! There are different parts in a person. Your question is a very good thing to start a journey of self-knowledge! You will also arrive at ways to produce harmony between the different parts of you, some of which don'd know each other!

Do all men do this?

Almost all men do it. I know only one male who dislikes it. He does not masturbate also. But I am sure he is not a eunuch. He is a male.

Am i overreacting ?

This is a very healthy and helpful way of looking at it. Looking at own behaviour. If you go ahead with this question, and with such qs. to look at self, and to make corrections in self, and to acquire behaviours and qualities which help in life, family life, parenting, work life, etc., you will go a long way, eventually going through personal transformation, and have a good family life as a bonus.

I don’t want to leave if the next guy is going to do the
same thing ….

With the next guy, or alone, or with other people, your CATCHING, controlling, frightening behaviours(he hides), DISTRUST, INSECURITY, are all yours! In this life! unless you use this crisis as an opportunity for taking a look at self, to start a journey of self change and growth.

We've talked about it lots

What transpired in your "talks" ? In the talks, did he do at least 50% of the talk and listening? What categories of words did you output to him? Understanding responses, listening, reflecting to him what he said, paraphrasing what he said, plus a host of helpful discussion techniques? Or, accusations, blame, contempt, threat, ultimatum, anger, etc?

and I'm up for anything sexually/ slim / attractive

This is a sense of self worth which a person acquires in chidhood. It doesnot necessarily have any connection with the figure of the person. It is any way considered healthy to have a good self esteem. Till the healthy levels.

so what’s wrong ?

1. You are attempting to control where you have no right to control.
2. You are deciding on his style of sexual functioning.
3. You are deriving an atavistic pleasure in experiencing victimhood - see what this brute is doing to this nice little me!
You can fill up 4

and 5

and so on!

It's v near the end and the kids are heartbroken

From your ways, the kids seem to have picked up "heartbreaking" for such things. Probably a 'high-strung', high-tension situation has come about in the kids also, as they modelled on you! It is also called EXAGGERATION, overreaction, interpretation problems, distortions.

but I can’t handle the mistrust.

You are already handling it!

Sorry means nothing anymore it’s said so much

Sorry can mean a lot if it is said to someone who is UNDERSTANDING, EMPATHIC, willing to change,willing to see, hear, willing to change views, attitudes, habits and behaviours, and feelings. To someone who has GOASLS like good relations, good life, good family life, love, health, etc. You can learn to become deserving to get sorry!

On your deathbead, how will you look back at this great problem which once threatened your marriage? Or, may be after your death, if you can still look back at the life you lived?

You are taking steps for self correction! There is a long journey ahead! All the best for you and your husband!

Answer 2

Go on the computer, and make sure you look up porn of guys, see how he likes it. Hell even save a few pics on there just so he can see what your looking at. He'l com to you and ask what your doing? Say and do the same thing to him as he does to you. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but sometimes you have to be put in the other person's shoes to know how they feel. Here is hoping he doesn't like the idea of you looking at other guys and he'll stop doing it behind your back. And as for the not trusting him, well that is something different. You can't have a healthy marriage if there isn't any trust, rethink about why you don't trust him and just sit down and talk with him about it.

Answer 3

It's all very well saying how disgusting it is to masturbate over porn. But how many men can not be aroused by the sight of a sexy lady getting it off. Some old fashioned advice would be to walk in on him whilst he's watching porn, throw off your white ankle length raincoat, stand right in front of the telly in the most provacative fashion you can muster. At the time you'll hopefully be wearing some real high powered lingerie including the stockings and suspenders. Make a few long and meaningful ahhhs and ohhhhh's then just when he is about to see a bird in the hand is worth two on the BUSH. Whip out what he may have mistaken for a rather large sex toy and smash him in the mouth with your rolling pin.

Answer 4

Well he should be up front with you ,as porn is OK if it dosn`t take over your life ,which it seems it has
He could be using the porn to do things that he is embarrassed about or a fantasy he has etc but he should ask you first and let you have the chance to refuse first. The insecurity comes from his sneaky ways . He may have lost interest in you for his unselfish ways but that's not your fault. So you must confront him over his porn problems first and explain your feelings and then if he still won`t listen then you may have to leave . As it is hurting you personally and also the kids so for all your sakes do something, you can find another partner that wants you for your self and you will still have your kids that love you for you

Answer 5

If sex is available I would never masturbate to porn. I admit I do enjoy watching porn with my partner every now and again. Your guy sounds nuts if he is turning down sex with you. Personally I would love to be with a woman who is up for anything, slim and attractive. Please don't think us men are all alike and no you are not overreacting. He is neglecting your needs which is out of order. If he can't understand this then he is an idiot. I am truly sorry regarding your children, they don't deserve to be stuck in the middle. However they also won't want to see their mum being made unhappy by their dad. He really needs a wake up call or risks losing everything. Good luck.

Answer 6

Porn is not bad! I check out porn on ocassion and even enjoy a dvd now and then with my wife. I won't say all guys watch/look at porn, but I would venture to say most do or have. Just like most women have.

Why do guys look at porn when women are around? Honestly, it is because they don't feel comfortable looking at it while you are there.

Porn expresses fantasies, a lot of men are not secure enough to ask you to try something or they are worried about what their wife would think of them, if they were to ask for something. Just take anal sex for example. Some women really enjoy this, others say if you get any where near that, they will kill you. So lets say your husband has never brought this up to you that he would like to try anal, and he has no idea how you would react. So it would be weird or hard for him to bring this up, because of the unknown or the fear of rejection as well.

This is just an example, I would suggest watching porn with him, and trying to get him to act it out with you.

It is completely natural for men and women to fantasize about others than their spouse. If you are truely that unhappy and don't think you can resolve the issue, your's and your kids happiness is the most important thing. It will be hard at first but things get better and you will move forward.

If he doesn't want to work on things with you and stop looking at porn, or at least stop hiding it from you, there are some deeper issues going on.

Turst is the foundation for a good marriage, and it seems like there is a fault line running right through your's right now.

Good luck, and remember, be open and honest with him, and experiment sexually with him. Dress up, play games, use foods, etc. What ever trips your trigger.

Answer 7

In this case you are right to be offended and hurt. Honestly, most every man will look at porn and every man will pleasure himself to porn. I don't know why exactly but we do even if we have a great sexually open wife.

As long as this activity doesn't effect the couples sex life then I don't really see a problem with it because it doesn't adversely effect the relationship.

I know there's debate about pleasuring oneself to porn is a form of cheating or not.

However, it sounds like he replaced you with porn. This is a problem because it is obviously effecting your relationship. If he thinks he's addicted to porn then he needs to do what an alcoholic would do with alcohol. He needs to drop it all together.

Answer 8

You said you've talked to him but didnt say what his excuse was and you didnt say why you dont trust him. Most men get turned on by porn and I do think it is normal to an extent. Its difficult when you have children and have been together a while things become mundane and the thrill goes out of things and you have to work harder at things. Whatever you do keep the lines of communication open. I think you both need to understand where each other is coming from.

Answer 9

I answered a question about this earlier today....although I keep hearing that it's a normal thing for guys to do, I'd disagree there. I reckon it's a common thing that guys do & I'd like to believe that not all guys feel the need to get involved with it......but I'd question it's normality.

Your husband doing porn has nothing whatsoever to do with what you look like or how you perform in bed. Although us ladies tend to start comparing ourselves with it & we never come out too good in the analysis....not to ourselves anyway.

Anyone doing stuff like looking at porn is going to say it's normal.....but who's to say what's normal or not?

The thing here is do YOU find it normal.....do YOU feel it's acceptable for your husband to be doing that?
We can't tell you what you should or shouldn't have to accept within your relationship. Your husband doesn't even have the right to do that.

What I feel is this.......if you don't like something that's going on within your marriage then you have the right to say so, you also have the right to say you're not prepared to live with it......however, I also feel that your husband also has the right to say he's not going to stop what he chooses to do, like you can't force him to behave as you want.....ultimatums never work as far as I'm concerned.

If on seeing how much damage this has already done to your relationship, he still isn't prepared to stop....there's not a lot that's going to stop you both from going your separate ways.....I reckon all relationships need compromise, but neither partner has the right to force the other to live a way they're not happy with.

I tend to think that if I take my husbands feelings into account & wouldn't out of love do anything that would cause him pain.........I'd expect the same treatment in return.

Answer 10

This by far seems to be the most common topic in Answers and I will say this. I think that like someone else commented it is very common, and a form or stress relief that became a habit long ago. I don't think it reflects on his love for you for most men separate porn from the woman they love. It is simply a fantasy, an outlet, but they don't want to loose your love for that means the world to them.
You are lucky he isn't turning to other real women as this would be a true threat to the marriage as that would be flesh and blood vs images on a screen.
Try if possible to embrace it, and tell him such that you will not judge him, and make it light-hearted by maybe saying something like; "just save some for me"--he'll get your drift.
Hopefully one of these thoughts will help you!

Answer 11

For me it is not a replacement but because SHE is not into sex at all. She does it about 2-3 times a month just to passify me and so she can say she is trying. But even when we do, it has o feeling and is not satisfying. She is not willing to do much of anything. NO foreplay on her part and only position is one of us on top (so basically two). There is no passion, no excitement, no variety, no desire on her part, it is just a cold act. Perhaps you should try sharing the porn with him. If he wants to "do himself" while looking at it, then just "do yourself" at the same time. That will probably prevent either of you from ":finishing" yourselves. Do not let this become a problem. If, as you say, you are "up for anythign sexually", then you should be able to join him and enjoy whatever comes of it (no pun intended). This might help. maybe sliping the occasional "it would be fun to try that" kind of thing in there when it is true.