FINALLY last part of poem?

Question

(rest of poem continued again)) sorry bout that.

He must end it now or forever he’d cry
Out of her arm he pulled the long needle with care
Took one last long deep breath of the cool hospital air
So precisely he stuck that needle to his heart
But nobody noticed as he fell onto her cart
He had unintentionally killed the one that he loved
So he took his own life to rendezvous in the Heavens above.


i know its kinda deporessing, but is it good?

Answer 1

Dark, or depressing poems are not "bad" poems...dark poems are often far more powerful than lighthearted ones.

However, the poem itself is not very good. Why? Several reasons, all of which are correctable, if you really want to try.
1. Don't use couplets; they are far too hard for amatuer writers to pull off without sounding childish or too "rhymy"
2. Don't "say" what you mean, "imply" what you mean. Poetry is "not" prose, although many lazy free verse writers will try to pull of rants and call them "poems". Use words to paint a concept, a picture, not just "speak" to the listener.
3. Listen to what you write and use your ear to hear "if" your work sounds poetic or more like a diary entry. "I pricked her arm with a little death that squirted pain's release into her veins" is not the same as "I pushed the needle into her arm and pushed the plunger down until the poison had been injected into her and she died." Do you see what I mean? Can you hear the difference?

I believe you "want" to write poetry, which is the hardest part. You can't "force" poetry, you have to "want" it. Let the subject talk to you, let the topic decide the form (rhyme or no rhyme, free verse with a rhyme here and there for effect, etc.) and the voice (dark and metered or light and variable, or any combination thereof).
4. Don't ask "is it good". Just let the poem be what it is. If people like it, they'll tell you...but most often they'll tell you what they think you want to hear. The best person to judge is you, by how it affects your audience. Just understand what seems good to a girl or boy of 13, won't necessarily meet with the same enthusiasm by an older listener, and vice versa. In the end, it will depend on whether you're trying to write for competition or just to have an outlet for your mind that you share with others from time to time. Don't become a poetic terrorist who constantly forces people to "listen to this one" or "check this one out." Write good poetry, and leave one laying around once in awhile for people to "find". If they like it, they'll tell you they saw it...if they don't, well, they'll either ignore it or you might hear their negative comments as well.

Answer 2

In my opinion, it's a little dark. Also, if you kill yourself, you will not go to heaven. Doesn't really flow well. Sorry, hon, just my opinion.