What is the best way to deal with my husbands bitter angry ex-wife?

Question

This has been going on for over two years now and I can't figure out a way to control my anger when she is so rude and disrespectful all the time. My husband doesn't want to hear about it anymore but it's not fair since I do the children pick-ups because he is at work. Just yesterday she was rude to me and my son. My 8 year old son said "hi" to her and she ignored him only to turn around and "flip" us both off. I wanted to have it out with her but we were at a school and the kids were there. I feel like my husband is also being disrepectful by not defending me? What can help me? He won't go to counseling.

Answer 1

Don't pick up his kids from her anymore!!!! Its not your responsibility!!!! Its his!!!!

Answer 2

You're absolutely correct in feeling that your husband is being disrespectful. It's really not your fault that your husband's ex-wife can't get over her failed marriage with your current husband.

Why doesn't your husband want to hear any more of this? This is HIS problem, not yours. HE needs to stand up, draw the line, tell his ex not to cause any problems (or else - court, police, etc.).

If your husband isn't doing his part to make this a better situation for the two of you, then tell him that he's going to have to do the pick-ups of HIS children and HE is going to deal with his ex-wife's miserable attitude.

Good luck, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Second marriages are never easy.

Answer 3

DON"T DEAL WITH HER is the best way not to deal with her..huh?
Don't bring ANYTHING up anymore. When you get home from picking up the kids and your hubby ask's "well how was _____today"....just say I don't know I'm not there to be her friend I just pick up the kids I don't even know if she was there. Or reply "I didn't see her she was talking to some guy in the bedroom!! He's divorced from her right? So why would he care about what she's doing?
My opinion is to ignore her like she ignores you and your son. Don't be the information carrier for your husband anymore, just pick up the kids and leave!!No see ya's or bye bye's just business all business. Don't talk about here at all and she will get the message. Or the next time she flips off your son press charges against her for lude conduct in the presence of a minor, or assault (verbal).
But I think just forgetting her will make her so mad she will tell your husband do not send her over here anymore and then he'll have to face her.
I myself...I'd break her finger she'd only do it twice..!!!!!
Hope it helps.

Answer 4

As in most cases, your problem is not her or your husband.
You problem lies within how you feel about your husbands lack of interest in a situation that has very much meaning to you. You are reaching out for help and advice, you believe that it is being denied you. You're being attacked and not being defended by those closes to you. Communicating that to your husband ( you may have already tried-with no results) would be the first option. It could be that your husband doesn't care or that he doesn't believe that it is important enough to take any strong action at this time. Remember, they are divorced now and maybe he feels he no longer HAS to react to what she does or believes. Whatever the reason for his or her treatment of you or perceived treatment of you. You need to gain a grip on yourself. And stop looking towards others to solve your problems.
Set boundaries, let him know that for no reason that she should be allowed into your home or personal life, that you do not trust her or like her and you want no dealings with her on any basis.
I know this must be a difficult time for you and the feeling of aloneness and of defending your son against an obvious enemy combatant must be taking its toll on both your nerves and stamina. I can give you one piece of advice, without knowing the situation any better. Never trust anyone with your personal safety or safety of your children. If someone gives you, the slightest hint that they will be of harm to you, your, children, or anyone else that you care about, Do not trust them today, tomorrow or next year! If you somehow bury the hatchet and make friends, forgive but NEVER forget.
If you need to talk further please feel free to caontact me!

Address
www.keen.com/IsaidIt

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1-800-ASK-KEEN, extension 02018715

Answer 5

I find it strange that you say there was no betrayal in this case but the ex wife believes she has or was betrayed by the her husband and the new woman. What on earth would make her believe something like that? She has to let it go, try to be kind and civil and do not disregard her feelings or make fun of them as if you are superior, this may or may not help. The sometimes using the kids as a tool, how? If it is by not allowing them to spend time with their father then he should seek some type of joint custody or visitation in a court of law.

Answer 6

Boy o Boy do I know how you feel. This is what I did about it.
I am supportive of my husband and his child with his ex. However the responsibility of that child is his. When he is in my home I will treat him with respect and love however I do NOT pick him up or drop him off or pay the child support. You do not have to put up with that type of abuse especially now that it is directed at your flesh and blood. Tell your husband that you are no longer comfortable going over there, his children are always more than welcome and you love them but the ex is now directing her anger at your child and you absolutely will NOT tolerate that and he will have to pick them up now. Good Luck to you!

And BTW - I met my husband years after the divorce and still his ex is angry. So it is not necessarily so that you have done something. Sometimes exes are just psycho!!

Answer 7

Wait. . what do you mean children pick ups? Are you picking up her children? Or does she have children of her own and you end up meeting at the same place?

You need to have a one on one talk with this woman. Be polite and formal. Tell her that her rude remarks and gestures are hurting you and the kids. Tell her that if she won't stop for you, stop for the children.

Secondly, sit down with your husband when you have some alone time. Not when you're cuddling or you have five minutes and are in a hurry - make time. Sit down with him and tell him, calmly, everything that is on your mind over this. Make a list if you want too.

If all else fails. .

Answer 8

Find another way to do the pick ups and drop offs. Explain that you are uncomfortable with meeting at schools, etc. and do the exchange at a local police precinct. She will be less likely to act up. Or stick up for yourself and tell your husband you will not subject yourself to his ex's abuse. If his children need to go to their mothers he needs to handle it not you. Anything that has to do with the ex and the children is his domain, completely remove yourself from it, that is what I have done and it has made my life less stressful, now my husband is dealing with his own ex and I deal with my ex. We still talk about some things openly, but I do not have to deal with her behavior or try to explain her behavior to my son.

Answer 9

You're just in a bad spot. There's very little your husband can do for you, as she isn't likely to take advice from him if they've rejected each other as life partners and are not now on good terms. It's best to simply ignore her rejections, which are really directed at him, and feel sorry for her.

Keep in mind that you could very well be in the same position a few years from now, and resolve to behave in a better manner to your successor.

Answer 10

Talk about bitter and resentful!

Unfortunately there is little you can do about her behavior unless she oversteps her boundaries and then the police and restraining orders will be necessary.

Until she can move on with her life you will always be 'the other woman' and she will despise you no matter how fair you try to be toward her.

It would be easy to get in her face and tell her 'listen, you being angry with me is one thing but flipping off an eight year old is not right. I treat your kids with respect so please do the same with mine.' It might just make her grow up a little.

Of course the other thing is to ignore her petty outbursts but getting an eight year old to understand a bitter shrew is a bit difficult.

Try to get social with the other moms that pick up their kids. She wouldn't dare flip you off in front off other mothers. Set up play dates for after school or invite people over for drinks to get to know one another a little better. There are safety in numbers at those school gates. Or get involved in a car pool. It would save you all gas and mean you are spending less days at the school gates.

Yes your husband is being self centered. But then he divorced her, he has obviously had enough of her. I highly doubt you will see support forthcoming from him on this issue.

Personally I would just stop picking up his kids, even if my own kids were at the same school. I'd pick up my kids and tell her and your husband that from here on in she will be driving their kids from school. If she doesn't feel that she can respect you then she obviously doesn't trust you with her kids and so she can drive them to your house every day from now on.

The time for being polite and putting up with her crap is over. You married her ex, not her. She resents her ex? fine but she needs to stop be blaming you for it.

Answer 11

As for pick ups, see if your hubby can arange for someone else to pick up the kids from the hag. I guess if this has been going on for 2 years and your husband has not done crap about it, I'd tell him that you're just not going to continue having to be put through that. If he can not get someone else to do pick up, then he is going to have to do it himself. If it's not avoidable, leave the kids with a sitter and go kick her @ss. Good luck.