We are a young married couple. We have a nine month daughter and another one on the way. I recently caught my husband cheating on me with a women 10 years older than me. I am devastated. He has been lying for months saying that he is working, but really he has been going to clubs and being with this women. He says that he wants to change and only be with me and our kids. But I am having a really hard time forgetting what happened and most importantly forgiving him. I think the only reason he is saying that is because he got caught and the other women does not want him. If anyone has been in this situation or a similar one, please I need some advise.
2007-07-10 05:10:31 · 22 answers · asked by Sarah 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Most women are going to give you the once a cheater always a cheater so dump him BS. That's not true, read some books on the difference between men and women. There are thousands of them out there. If you decipher through them you will find out that women who cheat feel a lack of love or emotional connection with there partner. Men who cheat are not doing it for love, they do it strictly for sex. It doesn't mean that you are inadequate or that he doesn't love you. If he does he means what he said, some men need to have that wake up call for them to realize what they have to lose before they let the little head stop dictating what the big head does. My advice is to get past it. You probably had lovers before you got married and you don't dwell on that so make him feel guilty and if he's a good man overall work past it. If he cheats again then sleep with his best friend , tell him and dump him.
2007-07-10 05:23:43 · answer #1 · answered by orno11 2 · 0⤊ 6⤋
okay - if you want to keep him in your life and stay with him, there has to be rules and trust has to be regained. take him to work, get a babysitter and go out with him. maybe go to a couples group. only you know your heart - alot of people will say that you should dump him, but here is the thing - that is alot of stress for you guys new marriage, new babies and one on the way - maybe he freaked out and made a horrible mistake and is truly sorry - and maybe he wanted to be caught so it could end and he did not know how to tell you what was going on. now that he has been caught if it happens any more - then no he is not sorry. but if you love him and think there is a chance - try at least, or you will always have the what if's running through your head. but just one chance - anymore than that is just setting your self up for a life of cheating.
2007-07-10 05:23:33 · answer #2 · answered by brandi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's some serious advise, hon, and a little on why it happened...
Firstly, you are young, and probably too young in your relationship to be parents.....You two went from being exclusive lovers and now are in a crowded relationship with children. You, went from being the sexy babe, hot chic, to mother and housekeeper... and he went from being the man, the stud, the sex machine to father and provider (big jumps, aren't they?)... women adjust to their new role far better than men adjust to either yours, or his.... and that's why he is or was, having the affair, ---- to recapture being the stud, the sex machine, the macho dude. These new roles are an about face in mental adjustment from the marriage you entered into... And you both probably thought having a baaaaaaabyyyyyyy would be lovely and romantic, and for sure it is not, is it? And no one told you that this would happen not only to him, but to your marriage as well... this is so common, as to be almost a universal problem with new parents... not necessarily the affair stuff, but for sure the resentment, and eye-opening adjustment of just what parenthood does to marriages... Most of us survive, but 50% of marriages do not, as witnessed by the divorce rate in this country.
Well, now what? Betrayal is the only real deal buster in a marriage, only 20% survive two years after betrayal, and this is with counseling.... call any counselor, and if they read their own professional literature, they know. Your only chance, is counseling for both of you, before your resentment is out of control, and he just gets sick of the snide remarks you have every right to say. In counseling, you two will learn why this happened to you, and be given exercises and ways to repair your marriage. For sure it isn't easy, but if you wish to save it, this is about the only way.....And you both must be in it willingly, or your marriage in the end will fail.
You will be having two young children, and every child deserves to have both parents in their immediate environment... Hon, you will never forget, but you can learn the process of understanding and forgiveness.... and you two may just be a pair of the lucky ones, and then so will your children, be the lucky ones. Good luck sweetie... hope this helps.
2007-07-10 05:31:42 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It MIGHT be Ok or forgiveable if it was a one-time thing (not that I am condoning that), but this was a long-term affair with a woman. She may not have even known he was married, and now she does, so she wants to get rid of him. The only reason he "wants to change" is that he lost her, and is worried about losing you, too. Too bad ... so sad. Now he deserves to lose you, too.
You are not just his baby machine -- you are (or were) his wife. It is best to get out soon, before your 9-month old is old enough to get to know this loser. You have the right to severely limit his time with the kids, since he was never around to bond with them, but you also deserve some healthy child support. You also deserve a better man! This one will not change his ways.
Assuming you are a Christian, you should learn to forgive him, but you do not have to forget what he did to you.
Best of luck to you!
2007-07-10 05:19:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a woman cheat on me and I found out about it. I calmly and pointedly asked her about it. She fully admitted it. It was the last time she ever saw me. We weren't married, but if we had been, I'd have divorced her. It was devastating, but I never contacted her again. She had two young boys that I adored, and it killed me to lose contact with them, but given the circumstances since I wasn't their real dad it would not have been appropriate to remain in their life after she moved on with another man.
I didn't want to be yet another face-in-her-crowd to these kids and contribute to what I felt would be a confusion for them.
She lied to me for a few weeks while she was planning this, and then the day she left for the weekend she looked me in the eyes, kissed me, said I love you, hugged me and then went off to have sex with this stranger she met out of a personals ad for that whole weekend.
I left her....you should leave him. No reason to live with someone with no heart and soul.
2007-07-10 05:28:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG, I feel so sorry for you. Your DH has treated you horribly. I hate to say this but I think it's his age showing, he's still immature and doesn't know what he wants. The responsibility of a wife and two kids is probably more than he can take. My father did the same thing to my mother and it was more than she could put up with.
Only you know what you are willing to forgive or put up with. Do you think you will be able to not throw this in his face every time you get mad at him? Getting over something like this takes a lot of time. My heart goes out to you.
2007-07-10 05:18:02 · answer #6 · answered by **Llola** 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What matters is the children, you, and him in that order. You have to decide what is important first, and then see where this puts you decision wise. I would give him a second chance, for the children's sake. Even a cheater can still make a good father and even a good husband. I know a couple where the guy had a mistress all his life (same one) and everyone knew it, including the wife. And yet they were a very happy couple. Interesting, yes.
2007-07-10 05:14:17 · answer #7 · answered by ? 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
you staying with him depends on how badly you both feel the need to work it out. my husband did the same thing and when he realized i didnt want him anymore ans stopped begging him to come home he decided our family was the better choice it does take a long time to forgive but you never forget the thing is you have to learn that if you are going to stay in the relationship that you cant throw it in his face you have to move forward not backwards
2007-07-10 05:14:28 · answer #8 · answered by mmedina96 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest couples counseling if you really want to work it out. The bond of trust has been shattered and you need to rebuild it and that's a long hard road. Find a counselor quickly before it's an unsalvageable situation.
2007-07-10 05:14:24 · answer #9 · answered by Kitten 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
not sure how long you two hv been married, h/ever, if he's already cheating this early on, chances are, he'll do it again...eventually. take it from me, once a cheater-always a cheater.
i married young as well. at the time he was cheating, we had 2 kids and one on the way. funny how husbands tend to cheat when we're pregnant! anyhow, he came clean about the first one so i stayed. less than 6mos later, he was at it again.
ultimately, its your decision...good luck and congrats!
2007-07-10 05:33:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋