lack of desire for sex?

Question

I have been experiencing a total lack of desire for sex lately and it is coming between me and my boyfriend. We have been together for 14 years and have 3 kids, ages 11, 8 and 1. He has been under a lot of stress and so have I. Its hard for me to "want it" when all he does is complain about the house not being clean enough (mind you we also have 2 apartments that I have to clean, paint and get rented out, which are done now, 2 of the kids are in baseball and the oldest on 2 teams), it seems like he finds stuff to yell about, nothing is good enough. Then really gets mad at me when I dont want to have sex. In fact, he woke me up from a dead sleep (which I have not had in awhile) and wanted it and got mad when I told him I was too tired ( I couldn't hardly keep my eyes open), this morning before he left for work, I tried talking to him and he said he wants nothing to do with me. What can I do to make him happy? I could care less about having sex, in fact I don't even want it. Help

for wishing star........ the thought of him touching me right now makes me sick....and he doesn't like it for me to "just lay there"

as far as the apartments, they are rental ones.....we have a house, they are separate we don't live in them.....as far as not being married...... because 2 of his friends got divorced soon after getting married and losing everything...he thinks that what all women will do.....it hurts me that we are not married...

Answer 1

Lack of desire for love making is generally caused by stress and fatigue. It could also be physical. So you have to address those causes. Even if you can’t do it over the long term, you can take some time outs. But in any case, you know that you need rest and need to eat right, with some exercise. Get some sun. Take little breaks where you just sit and stare… (form of meditation). Have a checkup. But if you want to make love, set the stage. You and he need to take some time out. Have a date night every week. Get a motel room, hire a baby sitter. If something more serious than this, get some counseling.

Answer 2

The issue clearly isn't sex. The issue is your relationship. I think its time to see a councilor. Don't let that scare you. You just need a 3rd party for you both to talk too. Healthy marriage and healthy sex life should go hand in hand. That brings another issue. 14 years together and 3 kids and you haven't gotten married? I can't help thinking do you work besides the renting and if not if something would happen to him Lord forbid would you get his SS benefits? Life insurance benefits? Is the homes in both names or just one? See a councilor. Get your husband to go with but don't attack him or shove it in his face. Give him some respect and it wouldn't hurt to tell the true which clearly is the fact that you feel unloved and also worn out so much has clearly hurt your desire for sex.

Good Luck!!

PS. i saw what you added as far as marriage and all. Listen I'm old enough to have heard some of this from my wife and fom my friends wives. The issue is not sex the issue is the relationship. You need a counsilor to talk with. Now I don't think they are all the same but good luck finding a good one. I also do truly believe you do need to work up the will to have a date night while doing counciling and try to find some of that spark. Last he needs to realize by not getting married doesn't save a relationship from failing. He could still loose a lot but I don't and I'm sure you don't want to see that happen. Blessings!!!

Answer 3

Hi... you have a one year old, so that might be a contributing factor to your low sex drive... nature provides less of a sex drive after a child comes a long because the mother is focusing on the child during the first couple of years. lower hormone levels isn't uncommon.

and you're very busy and i can see why you're tired.

would it be a possibility to budget in someone to come and clean your house every two weeks? it's a thought, and would give you more time, at least for part of the month.

your husband is being a little childish and selfish. i can't understand why he hasn't been compassionate enough to ask you why or what is wrong? even if you don't fully know, he might consider YOUR FEELINGS once in a while?

if this is a major issue, have you considered some marriage or sex therapy? sometimes it works wonders, teaches us to communicate with each other, and helps us to destress and accept each other at face value. perhaps therapy would also be a good way for your husband to actually SEE how busy you are these days?

sex isn't something a couple needs to argue about. to me, i think it should be spontaneous, and if one person isn't up to it, the other needs to accept it.

just my thoughts.

hugs

Answer 4

This kind of thing is actually very simple but it looks complicated because of the emotions you feel when you try to figure it out. Here's the bottom line honey: A marriage is a relationship of compromises. That doesn't mean that both people have to constantly do what the other says but it does mean that both people have to consider the other person's feelings within reason.

If you have sex with him every time he asks, you are making too much effort.
If you sometimes have sex with him when he asks, you are being reasonable and you are compromising.
If you rarely or never have sex with him when he asks, you are not making enough effort.

Don't forget that this doesn't only apply to you. He needs to understand that he also must compromise for your sake.

If he gets angry every time you refuse, he is not making enough effort.
If he tells you it's OK not to do it tonight, he is making the right amount of effort.
If he always refuses sex with you because he's worried about your feelings then he is making too much effort.

Just like surfing, both feet have to land on the board at the same time, or you will be fish food.

Both partners have to make the same amount of effort in the right direction or it will not work out. It will be like trying to make potatoes by boiling rocks, or like the horns on a rabbit - non-existent.

Make an assessment of your effort and an assessment of his effort. If one is lacking, get it unlacking. If someone refuses to make the right effort, then file for a divorce because one way or another that's the direction it will go in all by itself. Better to separate with your honor in tact and your heart clear, than to deal with the pain and suffering of infidelity and lies. You don't want that shi t, believe you me.

Answer 5

If nothing you do is good enough for him then I can see why you aren't wanting any sex from him. I think you should tell him that it's a major turn off for him to come home and complain about everything you've done or haven't done. Sex starts long before you hit the sheets. If he's wanting some he should chip in and help you out. I also think you should cut back your oldest child's schedule to just one team. You should also get your kids to help clean up around the house. Give them a list of chores that have to be done before they can watch tv or do what ever it is they like to do.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Girl sex is great and if you are not wanting it nor enjoying it anymore then you need to find someone else young and exciting. You need to relax and not work to hard its going to wear you out really bad. But the best thing if you still love your boyfriend and want to be with him plan a romantic dinner with the kids away and just take control, believe me it works he will want you more. And it doesn't always have to be about sex. Try watching some porno movies together that also works you get in the mood.

Answer 7

For the house cleaning problem, you need to clarify whether he is picky on it or the house is really not clean enough. Then, you need to think it over if his character of complaining and yelling happen since you know him, or just recently.
For sex, just sit down and talk to him. Don't let any other thing to bother you two. Take the best environment for such discussion. You two have to bring out the root problem and see if you two want to resolve it. Otherwise, the problem will become worsen. Find the best solution like making compromise between you two to do sth to please each other. Get to remind each other that if still love each other, both of you should give out patience, understanding and acceptance but not picking problems or complaining.

Answer 8

I'd be careful, your playing with fire there. If you don't ever give it to him he is gonna find another way to get it. I understand you have your hands full with three kids and two apartments but seriously, it can be done and you can give it to him a couple times a week at least. Poor guy. I am a working mom who has one child (4) and work 40 hours a week outside the home and have a huge house that needs cleaning but I still manage to please my husband in bed. Men need sex, so do women, just splash some cold water on your face, drink some coffee later in the evening, and get it on with your husband!

Answer 9

When you say "I don't want sex," what you're really saying is you don't want to be intimate with him. He is interpreting this as rejection, which is normal. If you were meeting his sexual needs on a regular basis, he probably would not have gotten so upset. You need to make sure you get enough rest, so you're not too tired to meet his needs. Imagine if he said, "I'm too tired to talk to you" or "I'm too tired to go to work." Occasionally this might be ok, but not day in, day out. Sometimes you have to "fake it till you make it." You may not feel like "having sex," but if you willingly consent to meet his need, then you might find yourself getting into it.

By the way, 14 years, 3 kids, and you're still not married. What's up with that?

Answer 10

So is this about your lack of sex drive or him?

Why do you have two apartments if you have children together?

Why aren't you married?

Your two older ones are old enough to help, why aren't they?

Set a schedule, day by day of when things will be done and who will do them. Both of the older ones should be responsible for their rooms, and could receive an allowance for vacuuming, sweeping, dishes, laundry, dusting, picking things up, etc. Organize your life and you will have more energy...and less work. You will then be able to to give your husband (an yourself) the pleasure and love from one another you deserve.

You are making excuses...stop.