What do you think of this short story?

Question

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1273032

I wrote it, and I don't think it's very good, personally. Still, I'd like to get your opinion on this.

I'm referring more to the plot than the writing style. This is a first draft copy.

Answer 1

the good stuff....
1)I loved the opening paragraph. You used some striking imagery. It also made me want to read the second paragraph, so it did its job.
2) I liked the name Stephen Ambrose. It tickled me.
3)I liked the monsters. That was a surprise, wasn't it?
4)You really do have talent, that's easy to see.
Now, the not so good stuff....
1)you need to pay closer attention to grammar and paragraph formation. The story didn't flow very well in places. It took longer to read than it should have.
2)The part with the bum sleeping on the bench? For some reason, I had pictured him with his back to Stephen *probably because you didn't describe anything but his clothes to any degree* so that when I read the knife was sticking out of his back, I was kind of jolted out of the story. Too many details are boring, but not enough can mess up a story.
3)How come giant insects that know how to dress themselves need knives to kill someone? Wouldn't they have another, more terrifying way of doing it?
4)Metal handled mops are still not that heavy. I'd think about choosing a different weapon for Stephen.
Now those are just minor tweaks that might make it better. But your story doesn't suck. If it did, I would have stopped reading it. You just need more practice. That's all. Don't stop writing.
Oh yeah, by the way, you need to not put yourself down in anyway. Putting your work down is just as bad. So, stop it.

Answer 2

You have a great imagination, which is an asset to any writer.

I think one of the problems with the story is that you are doing too much "telling" and not enough "showing."

Keep on writing. Don't give up. As with all writers, the more you write, the more you will improve.

Answer 3

Duuuude - Great idea but needs some sharpening!

I have found that reading helps me when I write. That is - the style of what I read creeps into my writing.

By your current style I'd say you've read either a lot of Judy Bloom or J.K. Rowling.

Read some great novels/shorts by classic authors. I'd recommend Hemingway, Twain, Vonnegut. Not that you want to write just like them but you need a strong voice in your work. I just read Hemingway's "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber". It is an awesomely written short, that is not so short....

Answer 4

I'm going to be brave. It's not well written. The descriptions are too straight forward and bland. I'm sorry if this offends you.

The idea, however, is good. I would like to know more about these monsters.

I think you're holding back, big time. Don't be afraid to write whatever comes to mind, lost yourself in the story, become the story.

Best of luck!

Answer 5

Its good but it definitely needs more descriptive words. If it was a book written completely like that i would never be able to finish reading it. I like to read and feel like I'm there, but in this story i didn't, i felt like someone was just speaking in monotone reading from a paper.

Another thing, which is completely just my opinion and you can just ignore it if you want. I didn't like the main characters name. "Stephen" doesn't sound like the name of a janitor, i would change it to "Steve". Names really stand out to me, and also help describe someone. Stephen sounds like an educated college university college student to me.

Good luck with all your writings!

Answer 6

As a first effort not bad, practice makes perfect. One trick I use is to read it allow, this can often help with flow and the way themes develop.

Answer 7

Too long, dude!