3-somes,swinging and open marriages?

Question

I really dont understand why couples do these things it doesnt make sense to me why they want their marriage to be like this..My husband and i have been happily married 16 yrs and neither 1 of us would ever wanna be with another man/woman..It seems so wrong to me and doesnt seem like a real marriage....Are their husbands/wives not enough for them,dont they worry about catching an std from somebody,dont they worry about their husband/wife leaving them for another person..I think when your married making love should be just between a husband and wife and not other people..Doesnt seem like their totally committed to their marriage and each other...Does anybody agree with this.

Answer 1

Sounds like what you are doing is working for you. Good for you. Other people get bored. Many women enjoy sex with other women. Anonymous surveys have found that most women fantasize about it. Some people love their wife or husband but can't imagine sex with just one person for the rest of their life. If they're consenting adults and it makes them happy, why should it bother us?

Answer 2

I think it's great that you and your husband are on the same page about monogamy - it's important to find someone that shares your values, particularly about something as personal as sex.

I had one friend (he and his wife are swingers) explain to me the mentality of a swinging couple; he said that they were so secure in their relationship they had no fear, no jealousy, no anxiety, none of the negative emotions one might normally experience if your partner was cheating on you or pursuing a relationship with someone else. They knew that they would always come first with their spouse, and if their spouse was uncomfortable with anything it would be stopped with no hesitation. But they also believed that inviting others into their bedroom kept their sex life fun, fresh, interesting... it kept them from being tempted to cheat by the passion and excitement of a new relationship, because anything they wanted was theirs for the taking with no one getting hurt. He believes this arrangement has kept their marriage as strong as it is.

Some people identify sex as a primarily physical pleasure, and some see it as a primarily emotional pleasure. It sounds to me like you're the latter, and if I had to guess I'd say most swingers are the former - seeing sex as a physical release and a pleasurable activity, but not necessarily a spiritual expression of their love.

Either way, I firmly believe that anything that happens between safe, sane, consensual adults is their business... if it makes them happy and no one gets hurt, how can I say it's wrong? :)

Answer 3

I live a lifestyle that has alot of people float through it that are swingers. I say "float" because they didn't find what they wanted in those activities and went looking for answers in my lifestyle, D/s, and didn't find them there either.

I have found that most of them are looking for a cure to a dissatisfaction in themselves that plays out in swinging. It doesn't help, but those relationships weren't healthy to begin with so it doesn't ruin anything.

Multiple partners is not my choice, but it works for some people and the same with open marriages. When I first got married in 75, open marriages were all the rage. My ex and I had one. We never found anyone we wanted to be open with, so I can't say it would have worked or not. In the end, he still would have put me dead last to everyone else including booze.

I never think its a good idea to make judgment statements about your marriage. Alot of divorce lawyers have clients that are stunned to find out that things aren't as they seemed.

Answer 4

I'm with you sister. Pay no attention to hog rider any more than to agree that everyone has they're own opinion. Being married 15+ years I can relate to every word that you are saying. However some don't see things as we do. People will relate percentages and numbers all day long in favor of these actions. What I would like to hear just one of them calculate is the percentage of marriages that are in ruins because of these actions.

Answer 5

A lot of couples go through a period of experimentation in their relationship; many of them in their 30s or 40s. This is not anything unusual.

And, in spite of the fact that the odds are actually against everything going smoothly (avoiding jealousy, personal image issues, performance issues, STDs), odds alone obviously don't stop people from taking chances ~ just look at Vegas and the popularity of Native casinos...

Answer 6

I agree. My husband and I have been married for 24 years.

We agreed a long time ago to remain exclusively to one another and have for all these years. We took vows and made a pledge to be committed to one another.

After all, when you invite someone else into a relationship, you invite all their problems along with it. How can a few minutes of sex with someone else, that you don't know as well as your mate, be great enough to put up with another person's baggage and the problems that result within your marriage because of it.

Answer 7

I feel like if you want to engage in these other activities that's fine, but why get married in the first place then??

That's the part I don't understand. If two people get bored of each other after so many years, that's understandable, but they should just get divorced, and be done with it. Then they can engage in whatever else they want to. The ones I really feel sorry for in these situations are those couples who have children. Kids really can't be expected to understand the things adults do, and I think it's confusing, and possibly even damaging, to expose them to these extra marital acts.

Answer 8

You know, out of curiosity, I have watched TV programs about swingers, and it doesn't interest me one bit. I don't understand why they do it. According to them it works for them, so have at. I don't care. It's just a curious thing to do when you are married.

Answer 9

I agree. Totally.

I am in love with my husband so deeply and we just agree we wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else in that way.
I don't understand being with anyone you don't love - just for fun? Just doesn't make sense to me.

Answer 10

I strongly agree with Rebekkah's answer. Swinging is a vastly misunderstood lifestyle, unfortunately misrepresented by the scandals the media latches onto. We don't wear leopard print spandex, chest hair, purple polyester and gold medallions the size of dinner plates. We're fully up to speed with the 21st century.

To answer your questions directly:

"My husband and i have been happily married 16 yrs and neither 1 of us would ever wanna be with another man/woman.."

Are you certain? Have you ever discussed it? Or is it one of those things that goes unspoken for fear of hurting one another with awkward truths? Unless you've both talked openly about it, and you have made your views crystal clear, you can't really say you "know" for sure.

"It seems so wrong to me and doesnt seem like a real marriage...."

If it seems wrong to you, then it IS wrong...for you. My husband and I are moral people. Honesty and integrity, respect, and ethical, moral living are necessities for us. But in our relationship with one another, we have both realized that this standard rule that most marriages abide by - namely monogamy - was meaningless to us. A bit like having to stop at a red light in the middle of freaking NOwhere when you can see 5 miles in all directions. You look at one another and wonder what the hell you're doing. Frankly you feel stupid sitting there, obeying a stop light that didn't even need to be there in the first place. For crying out loud, a stop sign would've sufficed!

I assure you, our marriage is very real. Just because we don't define it with sexual monogamy doesn't mean we aren't fully devoted to one another. In fact, freeing up the sexual aspect of it has allowed us to see what REALLY makes our marriage as solid as it is. It has nothing to do with sex.

"Are their husbands/wives not enough for them,"

A common misconception. Yes, we're definitely enough for one another. It's not boredom with one another that drives us to seek "other fun". We do it because we can. "Oh we can't do that..." "Well...why not??" and we looked at one another realizing that there really wasn't any valid reason that we couldn't. We knew it wouldn't affect how we felt about one another, we knew we trusted one another...honestly, if neither of us was offended by it, what was the crime?

"dont they worry about catching an std from somebody,"

Yes, we do. It is a risk, but we are very careful about our partners. We're not into free-for-all anonymous orgies. Safer sex is absolutely mandatory, and we take the time to get tested regularly when we are active and educate ourselves.

"dont they worry about their husband/wife leaving them for another person.."

I figure if my husband isn't smart enough to know that I'm the best woman for him, then either I'm failing him somehow (and I trust him to tell me if I am before it comes to this), or the other woman is most welcome to him. If it comes to it, and he finds someone whom he loves more than me, then I would expect him to leave me for her. I will not hold him here because of what I'LL be missing out on if he leaves. I'm not married to him for what he can do for me; I'm married to him because his happiness is my passion. If another woman makes him happier than I can, then my vow to him - to be his friend and helper in this life - requires that I let him go so that he can live his life more fully.

"I think when your married making love should be just between a husband and wife and not other people.."

So do I. I don't "make love" to swing partners. I can't. I don't love them. Not like I love my husband. It's like comparing apples and oranges. That's why swinging works for us! We can see just how far short others fall in fulfilling us the way we do for one another. But don't get me wrong, I really love playing with swing partners! It's a rare and intimate glimpse of a very real person who would otherwise remain an unnoticed stranger. And the fact that any human being goes unnoticed an unappreciated - even in this transient way - is unforunate. It's just an opportunity to say Hey! I'm human, you're human, and we're all in this boat together. You're not alone, and you are a beautiful creature. Everyone needs this kind of recognition.

"Doesnt seem like their totally committed to their marriage and each other..."

Whatever it may appear to the outside world doesn't matter much. There are few things that I can count on in this world. The sun comes up, the sun goes down, the world spins, I breathe in and out, and my husband is mine, and I am his. It's just the way things are.