My brother is gay, how can I tell him its OK and I'm fine with it?

Question

Hello all, I'm a 25 y/o guy, I have a brother 3 years younger than me. While growing up I kinda always knew that my brother might be gay but, I never "really" knew. Untill one day when I was messing around with his PC and kinda fiured out he is.

See I have came to notice that my brother have been feeling really down over a long period of time, but I have always mistaken it for just him being a "quiet / likes to be alone" kind of guy.

We come from a VERY conservative background, so I might know why he might not even concider coming out to us at all. And I'm starting to feel how much he might be in pain because of this. Me and my brother arnt the type that chat a lot together. But I dont want to grow up and loose him for something I dont think is significant enough to put "barriers" between him and me / us.

I love my brother too much to loose him over such a thing. I was hoping if someone can tell me how can I come up to him and tell him "I'm OK with it?"

Answer 1

Well, the first thing you might want to do is correct your habit of not communicating with your brother - and you start by asking to have a talk with him in private about something personal.

You might say something like, "Hey, I know we don't talk very much, and looking back I feel like I should have made more of an effort trying to get to know you better. You're my little brother, and you deserve that much from me.

"I need to be honest with you: a little while back I was messing around with your computer and I accidentally saw some stuff you might not have wanted anyone else to see. It was an accident, and I'm sorry. And I should have said something about this sooner, but I needed some time to find the right words.

"But I think it might have been a good accident, because it opened my eyes and made me wonder if you were hiding something because you were worried about how the rest of us would handle it. That's a very understandable concern, considering how we were brought up.

"But my concern is that you feel like it's not OK to be yourself, or that you don't feel safe to talk to anyone about this. I've noticed that you've seemed kind of down lately, and thought maybe you were in kind of a lonely place.

"I just want to tell you I'm OK with you being gay, bi, or whatever. You're my little brother, I love you, and I don't want this to come between us. I'm not going to tell anyone else, I swear. And I want you to feel free to talk to me about anything, okay? I can't promise I'll always have the right answer, but I'll do my best to understand."


Or something to that effect. If your question is any indication, you shouldn't really have too much trouble finding the words to say what you feel.

Props for being a good big brother.

Answer 2

Wow. Congratulations on being able to see the truth in homosexuality despite what is taught in your home!

First off, things on the PC don't mean 100% that he is gay. I was looking at my cookies and at first look, it looked as though I was straight. I had searched for news articals about events that many straight guys would love to see. (Like the Britany thing, I don't have to say any more, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) Now, I did have some "gay" stuff on there too. However I personally had to look for it. It wasn't that much at all. He could just be exploring, so take the into consideration.

Say you are still 100% convinced that he is gay. Honestly, I'm a closeted guy myself and if a family member asked if I was gay, I would lie. Even if they told me it was okay, I would still lie. I guess you have to gay to understand that. One thing I would love though, is if a straight member just popped in a copy of "Brokeback Mountian" and started watching it with me in the room. Personally, I think that is a wonderful movie. It is very moving. No, there isn't much sex. In fact, all the sex you really see is heterosexual sex. There is one gay sex scene but the camera is used to basically hide it while still giving you the idea. After the movie, talk about the issues. Keep in mind that your brother will be VERY nervious about this. He might even use hateful discrimination words to describe them but that is simply a defence. Never use those words yourself! Describe to him that you really felt bad for at the end of the movie. Explain how homosexuals are okay and discrimination is wrong. Add in the comment (not directed at him), "If someone I loved, like a family member or a friend was gay, I would love them the same as I did before I knew. I would be honored that they came out to me." I came out to one of my internet friends and he felt very honored that I shared my deepest secret.

Maybe you can take him to dinner before the movie. Personally, I wouldn't tell him what movie he was about to watch. I suggest watching it yourself first, just so you know better what's going on. If you used hate full words around him, he will have this underlying feeling about how you actually hate gays. It only takes one time of muttering those words. If that is the case, tell him about how that movie changed your entire outlook on the subject and you see yourself as a better person due to it. Feel free to email me or IM me. Send me a message through here to get my AIM, YIM, or email

Thanks, Congratulations and Best of Luck,

Justin

Answer 3

I think you should try to work on your relationship with him first. He might be feeling lonely, but let him know you're okay with him, and that you want a better relationship with him before confronting him about being gay. If you're totally sure he's gay, then just say it, but also say you are there for him no matter what., and that he can trust you despite your family's background.

Answer 4

If you think this important for the both of you, remark about some news story about some injustice against a gay person or gays in general. Simply say that you think it's wrong for gays to be treated badly and that if you ever found out that any of your friends were gay, you'd be cool with it and supportive.

Then let him take the subject further, but ONLY if he wishes to.

Answer 5

I would tell him just what you've told us that you love him and that his sexuality doesn't mean anything to you and that you'll always love him and support him. And than if he ever feel the need to come out to the rest of the family make sure that you're with him to show him that you really do support him and that you're not just saying it.

Answer 6

I think it is important that you discuss this with your brother. Depending on where he is with acceptance of his sexuality, he may have a knee jerk response of no I'm not, don't push it. Let it go, but he will remember your conversation when he is ready to come out and will appreciate having his brother as an advocate :) Good Luck!!

Answer 7

Well depending on how you found it and what you found on his PC it could be a place to start.
You could bring up what you saw on the PC and just say that it's ok and he's still your brother.
you could sit down and say "Bro, I want you to know that no matter what you'll always be my brother and nothing can change that" if you let him know your there for him he may come out to you without you having to confront him about his sexuality.

Answer 8

Take him out of the very conservative house. Buy him a beer and say "Bro, you don't have to say anything now, but I'm getting the feeling that there is something about yourself you can't share with the family. I Want you to be happy. If you're gay, that's really fine with me."

Or PFLAG and see what they recommend you do. This is their specialty.

Answer 9

I think you SHOULD tell him. You said that he feels down all the time. I know exactly how that feels. He probably feels very alone and I think that having your support would mean a lot to him. He needs to know that with all the hate that he is going to face in the world...he at least still has his brother. When I came out, my older brother was very supportive and it helped me a great deal. I wasn't so alone and I did not feel as depressed as I had for several years.

Answer 10

WOW..... You will show him you care and that you love him by just coming out with the fact that you have known for a long time that he is gay and noticed his being withdrawn, and quiet and you are there for him. Even the thought of Coming out is often very traumatic; especially if the family and friends are conservative or deeply religious.... Showing support by showing interest, asking questions, or just being a brother will be a great help to him.. . If he has just one person that he can vent his feelings to that will alleviate much of the anxiety that he is feeling. However, In order for him to do that, he must know that what ever he tells you will be kept private and confidential....allowing him to come out to others in his own time.