ANOTHER PoEM BY ME!!?

Question

Carried to the waterfall
A place of rested gone
Where all the Grandmas, Grandpas go
A place for each and all
Drops of soothing water drip
From rocks so high and twisted
Bodies old, but hearts so young
Ladies swim, men whistle
Splashes catch against the arms
Veins bulging, peeking out
Their legs so tired, worn so quick
That's not what it's about
For at this special waterfall
Where all the elders go
We find it's not for aged at all
But instead where faded youth grows
And then we notice how the world dangles
Seeming to end in fog
Reach up and understand, it's not Earth
There's room in Heaven for all
So grab a hand and twirl around
The water's beat sounds on
Minds transformed and smiles so wide
To bad it's not for young...


I totally love writing poems!! I'm 13 by the way. Tell me what you all think!! Honesty - I can accept criticism. Besides, what can we learn from, "It was good." ?

Answer 1

You can write. So, everything I'm about to say won't change that.

This is the most annoying advice I was ever given when I started writing--it really got me angry, but I eventually realized the truth of it. Write what you know. You are a little too distant from the topic you are tackling to handle it in a credible way.

Thus, it feels like a third person story and lacks emotional intensity. I am not saying you have to limit your topic choice just filter your topic choice through your own particular experience. I hope that makes sense, and doesn't come off as too harsh.

I hope that helps. Take care and keep writing (you clearly know how, you just need to be more descriminating on topic).

Answer 2

Your poetry has a good "voice", and many of your lines have good meter and form. There are a few lines that really need to be rewritten, and you can hear them if you have someone else read your poem out loud (don't give them cues on how it "should" be read, just let them read it and you'll honestly see where the hard spot are).
You have talent, especially for one so young. Read lots of poetry, study the basics, learn the different terms, structure, styles, etc. You have a natural ear and you'll only get better if you continue to read "and" write...don't just write. Try different styles on the same subject, force yourself to write both rhyme and free verse, and when you write rhyme, try different styles of rhyme. Don't stick to just iambic, try other cadences. You don't have to write any of your "real" poems that way, but just like an artist who finds a specific style they love, they usually can do "all" the styles as well.
Good luck and keep writing!

Answer 3

Your salted tears mingle with mine; I long for days of sunlit beach trips. Even the minnows belly up in a line bring a quiver to my lips. I had a notion that the earth's ocean would be where the secrets were hidden. Now I can see no depths in the sea the images come to me, unbidden of a shy octopus cowering in a tank, seals and walrus' no longer playing, instead they circle a ship that sank glad that the drowned ones are staying. Sometime soon, a ship on the moon will depart out dead earth for another. The prophecies of doom linger and loom; Bless you in your sorrow, my Brother.

Answer 4

I think you should work on simpler more traditional poems before you try to take on something like this. You know, crawl before you walk. Write four lines with a nice clean meter on a subject you know. Use a metaphor. Master Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, a short clean poem with a single metaphor, before you write a free verse about the elderly.

Answer 5

WOW That was Fantastic. I loved it, you do have the fantastic talent of painting a beautiful picture, in such a beautiful poem as this you should try to remove the unpleasant images andkeep it surreal lik " veins bulging" although that was to emphasize the point. one more thing is that (if you didn't already know ) that we get young perfect bodies in heaven. still it is marvelous poetry

Answer 6

You sound like you have a future in writing. I like your poem, but be sure to avoid anything that sound like a cliche. A lot of young writers tend to use them. I don't think you've done that here. BTW, the last line should read, "Too bad"....

Answer 7

Your age does not matter when you know yourself and others who respect and adore you can see that you are a very bright, insightful and special girl. We can learn a lot from you and your poems and desire to understand as well as talk to others. You have a gift so don't ever lose it.

Answer 8

I really enjoyed this poem! Great job! Keep up the good work!

Answer 9

Really good keep on writing more stuff.

Answer 10

you're 13!!!... wow, great poem i assumed you were much older when i read it...total jealousy ><