Found his “box of memories” with the ex-girlfriend?

Question

I found out my husband kept old love letters, photos (some are nudes) and momentos in a sealed box marked "personal" in the very back of our closet. These items are of good times spent with his gorgeous ex-girlfriend. The girlfriend broke his heart into a million pieces and she royally screwed him over for an entire year while he kept forgiving her over and over again for all of the lies and cheating. He finally broke up with her 2 years ago. I thought he was over her. We've been married for for 1 1/2 years.

He sees nothing wrong with this at all! He says he does not open the box and can't seem to give me a good reason why he keeps this box in our closet. He won't get rid of the box. He does not keep nude photos and love letters of his many other ex-girlfriends, only her.

Am I over reacting? Should I be concerned about this? What would you do?

I thought he was over her. We married soon after the break-up. The only thing I have a big problem with in that box are those nude photos of her. He can keep the other things if they are that important to him.

I found out from one of his goods friends that it was love at first sight when he laid eyes on her at a dance club. When she broke off they're 1 month engagement (he later ended the relationship). He wasn't able to completely break free emotionally at that time. She lives in the same city we do. I know I was the one he married but now I'm starting to wonder a little if I was a last resort in a time of struggle.

Answer 1

girl, you hv every right to overreact. after all, you are his wife. besides, its been over 2yrs so i dont see why he's still holding on. if i were you, i'd burn it.

Answer 2

Here's what you say: that you married after your husband broke up with this woman. How is that marriage? Is it working so far - until you found this 'sealed' box that keeps mementoes of the past?
Maybe you were someone he met at a vunlnerable time. And - exactly how is that a lifelong problem for the two of you? IF and only IF your marriage is a commitment and it has ups and downs like any other marriage, is there something special about his history with a fascinating woman who intimidates you because he has nude photos and letters from their relationship in a sealed box in the back of a closet?
My, my, with all her publicity problems, Katie Holmes must eat her heart out every night thinking about how Nicole Kidman had sex with her husband. Nicole Kidman, sex goddess for whom Tom Cruise left a perfectly good first wife, Mimi Rogers!
Life's a crap shoot in many ways and marriage is no different. I don't have to give Katie Holmes as an example but you get the general gist of the problem - people have strong backstories to their lives when you marry them and why would you want to punish them for it?
Time, I guess, for you to break up with him because he obviously doesn't love you as evidenced by the presence of a sealed box in the back of a closet - and have your own passionate fling with a hunk. Then you'll be even. Would it make you happier?

Answer 3

I kept a box of momentos from past relationships while I was married too. It wasn't so much because I missed or cared about the guys I had photos of, but because it was part of my past and I couldn't bare to part with it...like a high school year book. My husband found the box and made me throw it out. I always regreted doing it.
If you have no other reason to suspect that your husband still dwells on this girl, let it be. You can tell him that it really bothers you to know that there are personal pics of his ex in your bedroom closet. Tell him that it hurts your feelings and makes you feel second best. But I would not force him to get rid of his memories. He will only resent you for it later. He has already parted with her and married you. You won. He's just not ready to throw that part of his life away. Besides, if this Ex ever ends up famous, you could sell the naked photos to a tabloid and make LOTS of money!!!

Answer 4

Learn to trust your man... I'm married now but I still have my ex photos and all... Some men are very sentimental and they like to hold on to some of the fond memories they once had...

My wife once asked me, "when will you ever get her out of your heart completely?"... My reply was, "Do you want the truth or do you want a lie?"

You see, having an ex in his heart is not a sin... unless it is affecting the way he treats you... but if he's nice and loving to you, responsible and all... why should a few souvenirs in the closet bother you?

Now, you can either kick up a big fuss and torment him like hell... or be gracious to talk about it and give that man a little space of his own...

Then you've gotta ask yourself... will kicking up a big fuss and tormenting that guy make you feel any better? If it doesn't, why don't you take the more positive approach of letting him know that you know about his little box and that you understand how much she must have meant to him but at the same time, let him know that it is you that will be by his side till his ripe old age...

A marriage is about trust, understanding and communication... I would exactly regard yelling as a form of communication...

Answer 5

Maybe he never had enough time to turelly get over her. You say they broke up 2 years ago and you have been married for 1 and 1/2. He obviously jumped right into a new relationship w/ you rather quickly! He must have had strong feelings for her when they were together. I would not be concerned about it, everyone has a past. He married you, that proves that his feelings for you are far greater than those he had for her!

I don't agree w/ him keeping the box, I think out of respect he should let it go and trash it! Especially if it is bothering you. He has opened a new chapter in his life and needs to let history be history!

I would probably be upset if I were in your shoes, but I would try to be a little more understanding based on the circumstances.

I kept love letters from my 1st Love for years, even after I found someone else! Eventually I trashed them. He will too.

Answer 6

The existence or non-existence of that box has nothing whatsoever to do with your relationship with him.

The box existed before you found it. Did it affect the way you feel about him or the way he feels about (and treats) you before you knew about it? Of course not.

So, your knowledge of it's existence doesn't change anything.

Unless it changes the way you treat him or the way he treats you.

That's what's important. How you treat each other with love, respect and understanding.

The memories, the past, exists whether he has physical mementoes or not. The mementoes will help him to remember that part of his life (the good and the bad - all of the days that made him who he is and who he will become), not only now, but when he is older & memory fades.

It could be serving as a kind of totem for him, a marking of passage or of growth in his life. A reminder of the challenges he faced and conquered in his past.

It doesn't matter why he wants to keep them.

What matters is how you treat each other right here and now.

Answer 7

I actually had my own box. No nudes though. I still have pictures of most of my ex-bf. The ones I cared about I took pictures with. I did eventually shread all the love letters & other momentos but kept the pictures. Maybe one day I'll get rid of pics but probably not.

It was a reflection of that time period in my life, it does not change how I feel about my husband. I have fond memories of some of those times in life,it made me who I am today.
The concerts, the college days, drunk new year's parties, I laughed and laughed at ,sunny tropical vacations.

Does my husband want to see them no, but he knows they are there beneath all our pictures, wedding albums, and children's baby books. I look at them rarely, clean or organizing that closet sometimes. I take them out and smile. Laughing mostly at my hair etc over the years or a favorite dress or place.

If he is using her pics as pornography or he still talks to her I'd have issues. otherwise I think one day you will find they disappear by his choice not under pressure from you.

As with me and my past bf your husband and this woman did not make it to a lasting relationship no matter who dumped whom. That is why she is an ex. Don't feel insecure really it is not about you or her.

Answer 8

Why has he kept nude pictures of his ex in the first place?
He married you, I would be bothered by this and any of the women who say they wouldn't be bothered by it are lying.
Basically I would take this as a symptom of deeper issues.
It would be bothersome to think that my husband was still infatuated or in love with his ex..After all why keep this box hidden away?
I would demand an explanation and explain my feeling on the matter. How do you think he'd feel if this was reversed and you had the old letters and nude photo's?
Seek counseling

Answer 9

I know this is hard for you however please know that is just an old box of memories. My husband has photos of his x wife and old girlfriends. I know its just an old flame box. I even have photos of my x. He even has some of me, and yes they are risque. I was a part of my X's life and though it did not work out there are some good times we had. I like looking at the photos and seeing where i was to where i am now. I have a great life and it was the life i shared with my x that prepared me for the life I now share with the best husband in the whole world. :)

Answer 10

It is absolutely not OK. He is now married to you and should not have his mementos from a past relationship. Also the nude pictures are a complete no-no. I don't think you're overreacting at all. I think he needs to get rid of the entire box. I had to do a similar thing right before I got married. I'm the type of personal who likes to keep EVERYTHING that has once been sentimental to me. For me that included old letters from boyfriends etc. I realized that although I no longer had feelings for my exes....I still felt an emotional connection with the letters, etc. b/c they reminded me of where I'd once been in my life and of good times. However, I ended up shredding them and throwing them out b/c I wanted to start my marriage with a clean slate. I did not want to have anything in our home together from the past. Also, my husband deserved that much. He deserved to have me fully...without all the extras from the past.

I would talk to your husband about getting rid of the box. Tell him it concerns you and that you don't see a need for him to keep it. Ultimately it will be up to him to actually throw the box away. Hopefully his love and respect for you will allow him to do it.

Answer 11

I would tell him that him keeping the box bothers you and to please remove them from your home. Your feelings about it should mean more to him than keeping everything. You are not over reacting about things that should be gone and in the past. There is no reason that would be acceptable to me for him keeping the nude photos of his ex girlfriend......I would probably take them out of the box right in front of him and rip them up. If this causes a war then you have every reason to be concerned that there is a problem if he gets mad at you for it. .....or you could take the pictures out of the box and see if he notices them gone. That means he is may still have some unresolved feelings about this woman if he gets that upset. If this is the case you both may need marriage counseling to find out what his problem is. Best wishes.