I caught my husband out on a lie the other day, then another a couple of days after. He tells me little lies often and then makes me think it is in my head. We are in marriage counseling for the second time and I'm really putting in 110% to get this marriage to last and work. I feel betrayed by him and just don't know if my counseling is a waste of time. We have been together for nearly 5 years. It truly has been a struggle from about week 8 into our relationship but I have stayed and stuck it out because I truly do love him and see he has some really beautiful qualities that I love. Now I'm growing tired of trying and getting let down when I think all is well and we are starting to make progress. It was a couple of days ago with the lie episodes. Its nothing like he is cheating etc, little lies. I just don't appreciate the fact that I'm being 100% he is still telling little lies. I feel like its the principal of it all. Now I just can't stand the look of him. What do you's think??
2007-07-09 16:15:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm trying to let it go and not buy into it to much. But I just feel as though this happens all to often. I have told him how I feel as I always do. I'm just so tired and hurt. I can't stand the let down feeling anymore. Being that we have struggled for nearly 5 years at this.
2007-07-09 16:16:57 · update #1
If he's not being honest with you, then he can't be honest with himself either. How can he be honest with your marriage? your right, white lies, little lies, it doesn't matter. It's the principle of it all. There's nothing worse than your own husband needing to lie over little things. How can you trust him? I think you need to tell him over & over to stop lying. Confront him right away every time he tells the lie. Continue your counseling.
2007-07-09 16:26:27 · answer #1 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Truth is the foundation for any lasting, close relationship.
Lies show he is trying to hide who he is and what he does. They show that he devalues your intelligence. They show that the relationship is more about impressions and image than it is about reality and intimacy.
If you picture marriage as a house, honesty is the foundation. If that has cracks and is crumbling, it's really hard to build anything, even if you have a great bed room, or living room, or recreation room.
You love him, but you may not ever be sure that you really know the inside of who he is, as long as he gets away with the lies, little or big. Because if he tells little lies, he's obviously going to be practiced enough to pull off the big ones too. Do your best to insist on the truth, no matter how little, or down the road, this mess is likely to explode into something big.
2007-07-09 23:36:50 · answer #2 · answered by waldguy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You gotta stop and ask yourself, "is this what I really want?" If so, stay, if not, move on. Forget about spending the money on the counselor (you'll need it later for an attorney)...there's not enough counseling in the world to help a liar unless they're ready to be helped (and he sounds like he isn't). I tried the counseling thing with my ex husband. We had been together 8 years and had two sons. I even let him choose our counselor, he went 6 weeks without me. I felt like that counselor was going to think of me as the devil herself. Instead he listened to me, asked the husband if what I said was true. Hubby tried to make light of it. Counselor pushed, hubby agreed. When we left that day, I felt pretty good. Know what hubby said??? Counselor and I gained up on him, he wanted a NEW one. I told him find a new wife first, we were finished. He was only going to see and hear what he wanted. I truly did not matter.
2007-07-09 23:43:39 · answer #3 · answered by floridagirl1261 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Life is too short to live it miserable.
You have tried to make it work for 5 years.
You are giving 110 percent.
What is he giving?
How hard is he trying?
From reading your post, it seems to me you are putting in all the work and he is goofing around with it.
If he is lying to you, you are only catching him on the little ones.
How many have you not caught him?
Maybe there are some big lies you haven't caught.
I'm not a big fan of counseling.
You pay some guy/girl $100 an hour to tell you stuff you already know.
2007-07-09 23:35:17 · answer #4 · answered by Mr R 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know it is pretty weird, but I am in a similiar situation. One thing I have learned is, Dont let ANYONE try to convince you its not important. You deserve to have all your needs met and to be happy, Once you believe you do that is. Him lying might be a sign that he is scared of your reaction, but it does not give him the right to not allow you to know the truth. I don't know what he is lying about though. I know what your feeling. With me, everything is great and we are so great, and then he lies again. and then i hate him again and we just go in circles. Bottom line: If he does not care enough to STOP doing something that is damaging the relationship, then maybe he doesn't think its THAT important. I am sure he loves you, he married you, he chose you. But you must require him to be honest with some bad consequences if he doesn't. Hope this helps
2007-07-09 23:52:26 · answer #5 · answered by SpecialKel 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I admire you for sticking it out. Not many do that anymore. I agree though. you need to tell your counselor about the lies. Even if they are little white lies. They are still lies, and I dont blame you ONE BIT for being pissed or frusterated or anything else. Just remember that you can be a strong person. If you feel in your heart trying isnt going to help anymore. Try Harder, and if you feel like its over. It could be. Remember that only the two of you can fix the problems, and if he cant meet you half way, you need to either get out of it, or give him a push. Good Luck.
2007-07-09 23:23:35 · answer #6 · answered by Mrs. 26 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honey, it takes two to tango....If you are really trying to make this work but still feel he isn't doing his share and continues to lie, then you'd better listen to your heart and do what is right for you.
We all know what it is like- to love a person but to be annoyed by their flaws. But some flaws are "livable" with---and some are not. Sounds to me like you are tired of trying for so long and are not seeing the results you wished for.
If you cannot even stand to look at him, then it's over- and you know it. Be honest with yourself and admit that what you once had is dead now. Trust is basic in a marriage and if his lies make you feel so sad and betrayed, you know it's over already. Good luck....Life goes on.
2007-07-09 23:27:18 · answer #7 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound exhausted! And I feel exhausted just reading your post...maybe it's because I live with a little white liar too. It hurt for the longest time that he is like that, but after struggling with it for over 5 years now, I am trying hard to just not care anymore. I love him and recognize that he is like this and I cannot change him...but trust me, the urge to leave him still comes from time to time.
When the day comes that you have FINALLY and TRULY had enough, you'll know it's the right time to leave him. Same goes for me.
We'll just know.
2007-07-09 23:22:56 · answer #8 · answered by getusedtoit 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think honesty is one of the qualities to make a relationship work.
And wow he is also using manipulation on you.
Draw the line, stand your ground. You want him to be man enough to tell you the truth and let him know you can handle the truth better than lies. If he loves you, he will respect that.
2007-07-09 23:25:03 · answer #9 · answered by Tina 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think deep down inside you know what you want to do your just looking for permission to do it. make of list of the pro's of your relationship and the cons in your relationship. you might think of going to counseling for a while on your own to figure out why you allow the lies and why you are letting your husband treat you this way. Best of luck.
2007-07-09 23:24:48 · answer #10 · answered by cheoli 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋