Why am I so afraid of the future?

Question

I'm a recently divorced 29-year old. My ex and I were separated for two years. When we separated, she was in her first year of medical school, and I was in my first year of law school.

I flipped out. I passed my classes, but I was an emotional disaster. I only kept working out of anger.

Now I'm calmer, I've graduated and am studying for the bar. But I feel that I've given the best years of my life to anger and my ex. I haven't dated much over the last two years except for a few flings.

Friends are starting to have kids, and I think I royally screwed my life up. I'm working hard for the bar, and it doesn't seem that anything will change soon. And I haven't had any real female companionship in a long time. I feel too old to do anything but work, like a slave. But I realize I have a life ahead of me, I just can't see it ever being any good. Any thoughts?

BTW, I've been in treatment for depression since the separation.

Answer 1

I guess you are afraid of the future because it is uncertain. Probably when you got married you thought that it was all set in concrete and your future was sorted, but then things didn't turn out that way and you could feel a little 'ripped' off about it. Things happen for a reason, and that is usually to make us stronger and teach us a few hard lessons along the way. Instead of looking to far ahead into the future, start by taking everyday at a time and have 'little goals', thinking to far ahead adds pressure. 29 is not old, you are only as old as you feel - look at life now as being a start of all things good.

Answer 2

Will you stop. You have the world by the balls! At 29 years old your studying for the bar? That's excellent.

There is no way you should be feeling depressed. So what! Your woman hasn't arrived yet and those turn out to be the best relationships on this planet. They are the best relationships, because those are people that are ready to settle and begin a life with a partner. Your not some stupid punk, running around getting girls pregnant and ruining lives. Your a man now! I waited for the man of my dreams until I was 33 years old and my God, he was worth the wait.

A real man knows exactly what he wants so when she arrives you'll know. You will certainly know how to treat a woman, especially when you fall in love.

Just sit back and relax. Get your self respect, pride, dignity and esteem back. Just get to know alot of woman and when she arrives, you'll know and you will agree, it was worth the wait. Good Luck

Answer 3

It''s the unknown, I think, I some what understand what you are saying, I'm going through a divorce after 30 years, I scared but know some how I'll hand on my feet, I was on medicine all so for depression four four years, I went cold turkey from that because I made some realty bad decisions and was not in my right mind, not to say you should do this ok?? I see clearly now being off the meds, but that's me.
Life is scary, and I'll be the first one to tell you that, but you must trust yourself to make the right decisions with the knowledge you have, and do not be afraid to ask questions when you do not know something.

Answer 4

Your still in the thick of it. Stay strong and do what you know is right. Eventually the anger over the anger and the waste of time goes too. Try to find away to pass the time internally. Eventually you will have a moment of clarity and all will be well. You will not wake up one day after your life has passed by, that doesn't happen.

Now you know more of what to look out for from some women. Cheers! It will all be over soon and you will not be able to remember why this time was so difficult.

Answer 5

Realize that everyday you continue to feel this way is another day of which you've let your EX rob you....

Just don't stress on it.. 29 is young still. There is alot of life and excitement ahead of you and that special lady will come along when you least expect it..

Take some time every now and then just for you, do something you enjoy with other people.. look around in your classes and see if there is someone there that catches your eye.. Just take it a day at a time.

Answer 6

dosen't sound like it could get any worse than that. Should only get better if think have a life ahead. Actually sounds like a whole different turn around as far as therapy, career, and hope. A lot of people look back as the years pass and think have wasted many. As far as time some of us shouldn't belong here since their time ran out. The ones still here after that have been living on what they sometimes called living still because they are on borrowed time. If someone is given this extra than must be for good reason and purpose since its not their own and given only to the ones that will change it.natural to be afraid of future if had not lived good life and need advise myself with that one even help since don't want to attract anymore.

Answer 7

Have you ever heard of the term, "Do over?" It's not a bad thing. You ended an unhappy marriage. Is that a bad thing?

Yes, law school is an all-consuming thing as is studying for the bar. (To be candid, trying to keep a marriage afloat with two demanding grad school programs is definitely a challenge.) However, you are nearing the end of your law school life and looking at the beginning of being a practicing lawyer. You've overcome some huge hurdles....give yourself a pat on the back.

Yes, friends are starting to marry and start families. That doesn't mean it won't happen to you. (I know someone who divorced at 27. He spent a year in relationship "isolation" -- he gave himself a year to work out all the anger/issues from his marriage and lived a monk's life. He kept busy with work and did a lot of rock climbing (his hobby). Towards the end of his rehabilitation, he met the woman of his dreams -- she, too, was an avid rock climber. He was 31 when they married and was a dad at age 33.)

Don't sweat not meeting women; it'll happen. However, make sure that you're in a good state of mind to start dating; work on making yourself happier and resolving whatever residual emotional baggage you're carrying around from your previous marriage. It's not fair to the future women in your life to embroil them in your past relationship issues.

Don't be so despondent; your life is just beginning. You've entered a new phase of it so enjoy all your accomplishments! Good luck.

Answer 8

You should focus on the exam /bar comming up. So what if your friends are having kids already, it isn't about keeping up with the Jonses, you have put effort into you schooling, finish it and start a career, love will happen again, just focus on yourself and rebuilding a happy future. Do things for yourself and what you enjoy doing, but don't compaire where you should be in life to where others are. We all end up at different paces. keep working on what ever it is with your counselor and focus on you. Maybe anti depressants if you aren't already. more people than you realize are in some form of therapy or on anti depressants. You have gone to law school, its normal to feel stress and with so much focused onstudies I'm sure you do feel out of the social loop, but hang in ther enjoy yourself and take pride in the hard work you have done. a lot of people deal with anger the thing is is that you are doing something about it, koodos to you. life will pull together for you. focus on yourself and do some things that you enjoy whether it be jogging, gardening, camping, do things for you, enjoy your life and enjoy yourself and forgive whatever it is that makes you full of anger, that is the only way to move forward. forgive and move on. forgiving doesn't mean you approve, but forgive and move forward. Good luck to you and I hope you do really well on your bar exam.

Answer 9

I have been there. The good news is that you are working through the steps of grief. This is not only a natural reaction but healthy. Many people forget the divorce is the death of a marriage and skip the grieving process only to have it cripple them out of the blue.

The next step is to find yourself. Not your job, not what your friends are doing but what your hopes and dreams are. Feel every aspect of life. Sit in a cafe and listen to people laugh, go to a movie and cry in the dark and eat a meal when your ravenous and every smell makes your mouth water. Use those senses you have rediscovered to find what interests you and who you are inside.

When your done grieving and know who you are again you will have found your purpose and be ready to enjoy everyday again. Your getting there be patient when you do it right it takes awhile.

It took me four years, and I am happy and enjoying everyday.

Answer 10

Any time any of us get into a relationship, we're taking a risk.
A risk of getting hurt, a risk of doing the hurting (which is just as bad, believe me, I've been in both situations), a risk of losing ourselves.
The important thing right now is you're getting yourself figured out.
You're getting your life on track (that is not wasting life).
So when the right one does come along, you'll be ready.
Get through all these hurtful feelings, leave them behind you, then move on.
Once that happens, you're going to find the perfect woman for you.
Good luck and Best Wishes