How is this poem?

Question

Tell me what you think of this poem.

When tonic is poured

and you cannot drink

though law allows

for intoxication

then,

life is empty.

If your eyes are wide with anticipation

for the taste,

the first taste

of social lubrication

yet,

you do not indulge

then,

life is empty.

21 is gone and soon

22

and I have yet to drink as if

I were celebrating

freedom,

that's when you realize

life is empty.

So open my mouth

lick my lips

and feel the burn of satisfaction

as glossy eyes squint

and bumbling feet stumble me home

then I will know

life

is not empty.

Answer 1

Ok, Now where is the poem?

Answer 2

I think your poem has potential, but may be going in a difficult direction.

For starters, your poem suggests drinking is a way to make life less empty...this is a faulty lesson. You could have chosen to show your subject drinking, only to find out that life was "more" empty...which is what drinkers often find out far too late. Hopefully you will never have to suffer through detox or rehab.

Secondly, although you do have some very good lines, such as "bumbling feet stumble me home", "I have yet to drink as if I were celebrating", many of your lines are weak and trite. Additionally, try to avoid cliche terms like "social lubrication"...you didn't invent the term, it is over-used, and thus cliche. There are times when cliches can be used, but I didn't see the need for one in your poem. You can write better than that and could probably come up with lines that might someday be cliches of their own (which is a good thing). Finally, some lines simply don't make sense: "when tonic is poured...though law allows for intoxication..." "Tonic" is not alcohol, so the pouring of "tonic" would not mean you couldn't drink it if you wanted to stay sober... because you "can" drink tonic all night long... it is water, bubbles and quinine, that's it.

I'd recommend you rewrite the poem, avoid the cliche, make sure your stanzas take you where you want to go, and think up more clever lines to add to the ones you used...you appear to be talented, so brush up your tools and revise.

Answer 3

I actually thought it was pretty good. I do think you may want to consider altering your line breaks--one word lines carry more emphasis and punch "then" and "yet" are not very powerful choices.

I did like this line a lot:

bumbling feet stumble me home

I thought your content worked though I think you may want to work on the ending to make it stronger.

Thanks for writing.

Answer 4

Good. Has potential. Overall I like it. Sounds like a person in recovery who wishes they could drink alcohol but cant.

Answer 5

I like it you do a good job w/ details and I can really visualize whats going on. Keep writting!

Answer 6

That was lovely, you really have a talent! You should start a poem book of all your previous poems.

Answer 7

Very, very good. I have had a time in my life where I could have definitely related to that? Could you have "laid it out" (space-wise) differently? Aesthetically it looks weird "on paper".

Answer 8

WOW! That was terrific! That was a great poem. Give me tips:)

Answer 9

wow that was a really great poem i love it.. .. you have the gift of poerty keep on writting.... you got such rythm in this poem.. it's beauitful.. keep on going..

Answer 10

yea its pretty interesting i like that you picked a topic not often chose