tell me if this makes sense.. new poem..?

Question

i want to see what you think about my new poem and what you think it may be about. i have had a lot of heartache lately and i wrote to possibly help me. so yeah tell me if you like it and if it makes sense!
BEST ANSWER 10 POINTS... WILL REPLY WITH B/A IN 2 OR LESS DAYS!!!!!


“The Recovery”

How can something be so wonderful, yet such a disaster?
The times we spent together, I will look at as a happy never after.
Imagination fills your mind with false belief.
Never really growing to the fact truth might bring more relief.

A world where someone lives an eternity and never goes away
Not just a picture I look at in the corner of my room each day.
Would do wonders to the soul that is cracked forever.
Never really facing reality and all of its forceful endeavors

Heaven is a wondrous place once some get to reach.
It is like the amazing sunsets that last forever at the beach.
The rays protruding from clouds are angelic and full of peace.
Like all of the troubles erase when I look out onto the water, completely ceased

Soon there will be a time when all of this will make sense.
When thinking of our old times together won’t nearly seem as dense
Time can be a felon that steals you completely blind.
Gone in a split second, with a complete absent mind

Moving on takes inner strength that some never detect.
Completely lead in the wrong direction, not knowing what to expect.
Will anything ever be like it once was before?
Not having to run from the truth, to completely ignore.

Answer 1

Good news, bad news. The good news is that because your lines are longer than 4-5 beats, you can break them up into two shorter lines so they are no longer couplets. Couplets, two rhymed lines back to back, are very difficult to pull off unless you use different beats and poetic effects to make them sound less "rhymy". The bad news is that many of your rhymes are "forced"...in other words, the word you use to rhyme the line would not normally be expected and seems out of place... it's just used so it will rhyme.

One solution is to read the poem out loud and hear how the lines sound (with very slight pauses at your new line breaks). Feel the cadence, the rhythm, and if you're not sure, have someone else read your poem and do NOT coach them on "how" to read it, just let them read it and you'll hear all the hard spots. You'll also hear the lines that don't really work, and the ones that need to be rewritten to correct grammar, etc. You may also think of new ways of saying what you want to say so it doesn't sound so contrived.
More good news: you have promise as a poet, all you need to do is listen, read, rewrite, listen some more, read some more, write some more, and revisit your poems a few days, weeks and months later. You'll find even old poems are fun to rewrite once you've let them sit a bit...and you'll be amazed at how some of them look almost awful over time (that's because you're getting better!) Good luck and keep writing!

Answer 2

Imagery is quite good but lacks intensity and passion.That's why I think that rhyming and meter kill the spirit of a short poem.I write poems in free verse without the fear of being criticized and I just love writing in this style,they have an inner rhythm and express my pure emotions.Try to write the same poem without thinking of meter and include those lines that you excluded for the purpose of rhyming and see the results.

Answer 3

Woah, heartache sucks doesn't it? I like the poem, the ideas seem to flow well into each other. If you do a little tweaking in the meter department I think it could be great.

Advice: Put that damn picture away.

Answer 4

Wonderful poem I mean it, i really loved the imagery and nice descriptions I had a nice mental picture in my head of everything you said. To me it was sort of about a girl who went through something tragic and was stating how one day she would look back and laugh at it. Am I close? Anyway, awesome poem keep it up. Keep Writting cant wait to read more!

Answer 5

I really like it! I see it as healing after a breakup and wanting to move forward. You have a lot of talent going for you. It is really well written. And, yes, it makes good sense. Good luck to you.