It doesnt feel right?

Question

My husband cheated on me with 2 different women, and I am very hurt, it has been about a week since I found out, I wanted to leave him at first but didnt and still dont have the strength to do it. We talked about it last night and all and we tryed to figure out what we are going to do, and he thinks we should try to stay together, but to me it just doesnt feel right. sometimes I will be perfectly fine and then other times I look at him and cant stand the pain that he has caused me. What should I do? Should I give him this 2nd chance? Does he deserve it? I dont know what to do or how to stop hurting over this, I want to work it out, but dont know if it is worth trying?!?

Answer 1

It's ok for you to not know yet if you want to forgive him or not. In fact, it's logical. If you made up your mind too quickly, you would either be foolishly forgiving him immediately, or you would be passing judgment in anger.
What you want to do is give yourself time to rationalize what has happened here. You want to look at the situation somewhat objectively, and that means without too much pain, so give yourself the time you need.
Secondly, your husband has a lot of atoning to do to make up for putting the love you two have aside for lust and whatever else he was chasing. Your decision may very well be affected greatly by his actions, along with whatever conclusions you come to singularly.
The pain will probably never go away 100%, but you can heal the wound, if not the scar.
That depends on his efforts. He is the one that has to nurture and dress your wound that he has caused.
But you too must play a role in repairing your marriage. That role would be for the two of you to become closer and more caring for eachother than you have been in the past.
But the biggest factor is not the me or you factor, but the WE factor.
Live this marriage one day at a time for now. Don't deny yourself your feelings, and don't repress your anger or sadness. There are 5 steps to grieving in death situations, and I think the 5 steps apply in affairs also. Read up on them.
Do see a marriage counselor. This is one of those situations where the two of you probably won't be able to talk it out completely alone, although do have many calm discussions alone without the psychologist. Just make sure that they are calm discussions, otherwise they will be counterproductive.
If you decide that you absolutely can't forgive him, you will know it when that moment comes, and you won't harbor doubts. Don't force yourself to feel that way prematurely, and don't force yourself to forgive him in a hurry either. Give yourself as much time as you need to make a decision here.

Answer 2

If you can let go of this, clear the slate and really start over, then take him back.

If you know in your heart you are not capable of doing that, if you know that when he loves you, you wonder if he is thinking about her, then you must end this and begin again with another.

Forgiveness means forgetting the hurt and chosing to leave it behind. Many marriages have continued after this terrible pain to the relationship but many others didn't.

Regardless, you must search your soul and go in a direction that will grant you happiness and peace of mind once more.

The question isn't if he deserves it. That is not at issue. This is about you. What do you need most?

I am sorry this happened to you. I do wish I could take it all away from you but I trust you to do what is in your best interests for a happy future.

Answer 3

You need a lot more time than a week. This can take months and years. It is absolutely critical that he submit to some accountability process so that you can regain trust with some integrity. Of course he wants to keep trying... he is not the one who has been wronged here.

Your feelings are normal. Find an objective thrid party (counselor of some kind) to help you process your feelings. Eventually you two may want to work with a counselor together.

Good luck. If you choose to stay he better consider himself the luckiest man on the planet and live that way with you.

Answer 4

This would be more like a 3rd chance. I would say no to working it out because how could you ever trust him again. Why should you go thru all the pain and agony when he is the one who did something wrong 2 different times. It will most likley never work out bewteen you 2 since you cant stand him at times.

Answer 5

I am going through the same thing in my relationship, but I don't know for sure if he is cheating on me. I think it is normal to be ok sometimes and then totally not ok others. We have decided not to continue our relationship, I think that having trust is part of the back bone of a relationship and I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. If your guy needs to go out and find something new or try something new, in my eyes that means that I'm not good enough. Sorry for your broken heart.

Answer 6

If you think it doesn't feel right, then maybe it isn't. He has broken your heart by cheating on you with two other women. I think that maybe you two should try a seperation. See how that works. If you feel that you still want to be with him, you can just get back together. If by putting yourself through a seperation you can see that it would be better to leave the realtionship and try to start over with soeone else, then you should consider divorce.

Answer 7

In my opinion once a cheater always a cheater. If it doesn't feel right. I say go with your instincts and leave him. There is someone else out there for you, that will honor you and not cheat on you. I am sure it is really hard to leave right now. But look deep inside your heart. Leaving is the right thing to do.

Answer 8

You said 2 woman, sounds like you already gave him a second chance. Your hurt will go on for a long time. Only you can decide if the marriage is worth saving. No one can blame you if it is just to overwhelming to deal with and you decide to leave. I personally would have already been gone.

Answer 9

I think you need time apart. For you to see how you feel, and he needs to decide what he wants. If you cant figure out why he cheated, and solve that problem, the you are wasting each others time, and risk further pain.
Ultimately, it's up to how you can deal with it. Counseling for both would be good, though

Answer 10

This attitude drives me nuts. No you should not GIVE him a second chance, he needs to earn it. If he wants to stick around, then you OWN him. You are the boss of him. Every password and email account is open to you. You have the right to inspect his phone, his voice mail, and know every number he dials. You OWN him. If he is going someplace other than work, he must tell you. He should expect you to show up any place any time. You OWN him. He needs to earn you back. See the difference.