How do you stay in a marriage with a depressed person that has a low self esteem?

Question

Ive been married my wife for about 7yrs who suffers from depression and has a very low self esteem. Ive thought about leaving her many times but when I get close to actually doing it I start feeling guilty. We have tried counseling and
just cant seem to shake this state of mind that she is in. Most of her problems come from living in a dysfunctional family growing up and she has been through alot in her life. We are both in our early 40's and we have been drifting apart for a while. I am a very determined person but I am getting to the point of giving up. I have tried the nice approach....the tough Love approach...and somewhere in between to get her to snap out of it but nothing seems to work. Her friends have tried to help her as well but no luck. She has heard the "You have to Love yourself before you can Love someone else" speech many times. I dont know if I could leave her without feeling like I have abandon her but the time has come for me to do something....

Answer 1

She needs medication asap!!

Answer 2

I would try to do the counciling thing again. Take her to a doctor that can maybe prescribe something for her depression. If she is not willing to help herself as you and her friends have been trying to, then sadly there will be a day when it all has to come to an end. From the sounds of it, you have been a dear friend. But if she won't let a change happen, then she will almost never change. Is that fair for you to have to live that way just because she is? I in no way am trying to sound mean, but something has to be done, right? Good luck to you. I sincerely hope that she does get better and can be a happier person.

Answer 3

Sweetie, I'm sorry to say you can't save someone who doesn't want to save herself. For 7 years, you have stood by her and been the one trying to pull her up but all she will manage to do is pull you down if you stay. I'm a pretty compassionate person but that only goes so far. She's wallowed in her self-pity for 7 years....and I'm guessing her whole life. I have a hard time believing there is ANYTHING that's happened in her life to warrant this. You can only blame "having a bad family" for so long. You are a great husband for trying for so long and going to therapy. Since therapy didn't work, I would pursue divorce. If she's never going to be happy, you might as well try to be happy yourself. It's not fair to deny yourself that. It's natural you feel guilty but at some point, she has to learn there are consequences for the life she's CHOSEN. She is choosing to be depressed and unhappy. If she really wanted to, she could pursue medication, therapy every day,e tc. But she's determined to be unhappy and that's not fair to you. You need to leave while you still have a chance to find happiness again. And please.....when you start dating again....don't go for the women who have low self-esteem.

Answer 4

Did I write this question about my husband? Everying to a tee - Wow! We are a tiny step in front of you though. My husband suffers from depression and he talked to a psychiatrist and is taking Zoloft. It took a while to get into the right dose, but his emotions and feelings are more settled now. He quit going to the Dr., but I wish he would have continued to help with his self esteem. For you, I think you should try to stick by your wife and see if she'll try some meds. I know it's very hard on you, the other person in the relationship (aka whipping post). It's hard for her to be on her end too.

I've had many days when I have wanted to give up, but we have small children and I do my best to keep the household upbeat so that the children aren't brought down by him. It gets exhausting, but try to do it for yourself and your beloved wife (and children, if you have any).

Only you know when you can't possibly continue like this anymore. If you can hang in there for her to try something else, by all means do so. If you get to the point where you can't possibly live with it any longer, you'll have to set up a plan for divorce. Definitely talk to her as much as you can about how you want to go back to happy days. By all means, DON'T cheat on her - that would completely destroy her.

I wish you much luck and strength!

Answer 5

Sadly depression affects more then the initial person whom suffers from it. I know that this is a continuous uphill battle for you both. If you still love her, then maybe medication might be the way to go,.. If you have already tried this approach, then maybe you could think of something you all used to like to do and plan a nice night out. Rekindle some of the old feelings inside her before she became so depressed? I feel for your situation and sense of hopelessness, but all things are not lost if there is still love in your heart for her. I wish you all the best!

Answer 6

Hey, try to find out why is she in a depression, you said that it is because of a disfunctional family, well since that was her past we cant do much about the same..... but what can be done is try to find out what motivates her and what is it or who is it that brings a twinkle for her!! Also i beleive by now she would be knowing that u r trying to help her out of the depression... which would be even more depressing as she would feel a sense of self pity... so next time do not let show that u are trying to do anything extra...... ..Ofcourse medication and drugs will help also help
.... u can also take her to to her dream vacation if she doesnt have one ther go for LA :)

Answer 7

I went through that. I'm still battling it, really, but I have a great counselor who has seriously helped me. Has she done one-on-one counseling, just for her? If she doesn't trust her counselor, it's not going to help. My counselor and I could be great friends, under diff circumstances of course. I highly recommend she tries to find a counselor that she likes. I made it w/out medication, but I hear it actually helps some people. I'm not going to do a "Tom Cruise" and say it's all bad, but you should be careful.
She does have to want it, though. I mean, I'd love to tell you to stick by her no matter what, b/c she needs you so much right now. But, if she doesn't want to change for you...I dunno what to tell you. I wanted to change b/c I love my husband more than the world, and wanted to be what he needed, and I did it. If she wants it, I think she can change, w/ the proper help.
Don't expect her to "snap out of it" though. This is bigger than her. She needs help. I hope you can both move past this. It sounds like you really love her.

Answer 8

Sounds like her depression is serious enough that she needs to be seen by a doctor and get on meds to help regulate her. Now remember that meds aren't an exact science so she may need to try some different ones before they hit on something that works for her. She needs to realize that she needs help or that she will risk losing you. Let her know that she needs to get the help or you will indeed leave her. Maybe it will be a wakeup call.

Answer 9

Your wife is mentally ill. Clinical depression cannot be "snapped out of." She needs a psychiatrist and medications. After she is stable, she will need a class on building self esteem. Try that track. If it doesn't work, don't feel guilty about leaving to find happiness for yourself. But you owe it to her to stick by her until she is stable.

Answer 10

You dont stay. You cant let her drag you down right along with her. You have obviously tried everything and nothing is working. You didnt say if she was on medication or not but if not them maybe thats an avenue to try. Self preservation is a must. You need to leave for your own sake.

Answer 11

I don't know - I don't understand why counseling isn't helping. Is she on any anti depressants or anti psychotics? Sounds like she needs to be.