We are getting separated and she is seeing someone else already.?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 18 years and have 2 teenage children. We have had a turbulent marriage and she has had numerous affairs. I have never been unfaithful. I have always forgiven her but it gets more difficult after each affair.

We have now decided that we should separate and we want to keep things amicable. We have to sell our house before we can separate so we are both still living together but not sleeping together.

She has started seeing someone else while she is still living with me. I know that she can do what she likes when we separate but this feels cruel. We both care for each other deeply and I get very upset at times, like when I think about her with him, and when she stays the night with him. She can't/won't move in with him.

I have asked her if she can put him on hold until after we separate but she doesn't want to.

I don't know how I should be feeling and I don't know what to do. Can you please give me some advice?

Thank you

Answer 1

At some point you're going to have to realize that she doesn't respect you and hanging on to this relationship (well, what's left of it) is only doing you harm. Best thing for you to do is to move on. It's time to get back into the game. You're going to have to let her go and realize that you're not or have done anything wrong. Best thing for you to do is fight for custody and be the best father you can be. Never put her down in front of the kids and get out and meet new people.

Answer 2

I've been married a long time, so I can relate to what is happening with you. You both want to stay in the house to save money until you sell it. One of the reasons you are getting divorced is due to communication. She has been cheating on you instead of trying to make your marriage happier. She is very, very selfish. You already know this. This is why you are divorcing. And you haven't ever had good communication or you would both understand what is wrong with your marriage and have been to counseling. The fact that you forgive her after every affair tells me that you are a door mat. The first time, forgive and try again. The second time, NO WAY. She has been very disrespectful to you and you have taken it. She is now slapping you all over again by flaunting her relationship in front of you. Do not stand for this. Stand up, be a man! While she is out one night, change the locks on your doors and pack her suitcases and put them out on the lawn. Leave a note with it: " You have been disrespectful one too many times. Find a place to stay until the house is sold." Your children will respect you more if you do not tolerate their mother's bad behavior. Then you be the rock for them. Take good care of them until the divorce is final. You may be awarded the house and the kids in the end, if you want them. Good luck.

Answer 3

Obviously this woman does not care about your feelings at all and possibly never has. Tell her that if she wants a boyfriend now that she will have to move out of your family home. Contact a lawyer and see what can be done. This has to be affecting the children and it is not right.
It is time that you spoke up for yourself. This woman is walking all over you. You do not deserve any of this. She has not respected you at all. It is ok to be amicable to a point but she could not even wait for the separation to bed another man. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I really am. So go call the lawyer and see what they say. Good luck and just remember, there are plenty of women out there that will not do this to you. You will find love again. Best wishes.

Answer 4

This really stinks. She sounds really selfish - I wonder how she would feel if the situation was reversed. I don't understand how you say you both care for each other deeply - you may care but to me she is CRUEL. I would be feeling really angry at this point. She has been having affairs all along and disrepecting you. Now she doesn't even have the decency to keep what she is doing quiet or private. What kind of an example is she for her children? Have you spoken to a lawyer to find out if she can be forced out of the house? I know you want to keep it friendly but how much do you have to take? She is really a pretty mean person and I wish you better than her.

Answer 5

Women want to be with their equals, not someone that will bend to their will.
You my friend are the later of the two.
Your "forgiving" of her affairs just told her that you would take her crap. You at you know you are still taking her crap.
What she wants is more important to you than what you want?
THAT JUST WRONG!
"We both care for each other deeply", THAT IS CLEARLY NOT TRUE BECAUSE SHE IS NOT CARING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!!
"We want to keep things amicable", ITS MORE LIKE SHE IS STILL ALLOWED TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS AND YOU WILL JUST TAKE IT LIKE A WIMP.

I was once too nice just like you and my wife had an affair. Now I'm a lot stronger and my wife (same one) loves me more than ever, but the ironic thing is I don't love her. There might be a middle of the road path where you both can love each other, but I didn't find it. If you want to get your wife's REAL love back or at least become a strong enough man to keep the love of your next woman.

Answer 6

First you must know that any woman who would keep cheating on you - does NOT care for you deeply! I do know that once a party leaves the premises - by law it is considered abandonment & it can be won in court - so be careful of that. Secondly see a GOOD lawyer - they can handle things amicably - However it does not seem as if your soon-to-be-X wife is going to be handeling things in the interests of her & YOU - but rather HER. I know that people can move on after a divorce & sometimes do while going through their divorce - however - you ARE being taken advantage of. Explain to her that her flagrent behavior is a direct violation of the agreement she made with you to separate & divorce in a manner of respect. However YOU are going to have to come to terms with the fact of her moving on & while you are not so able to set aside the past 18 years so easily, your going to need to focus on your future - what are your wants, needs and goals. Make a list for yourself and then each time you have to make a decision, make it based on whether or not it gets you closer to acheiving those. You will eventually find that you stop focusing on what she is doing - but rather what YOU are doing.

Answer 7

you sound like a nice guy, that has been very patient.
Devorce sucks no doubt about it. but it sounds like thats really what you need. You deserve better, much better. Let her go out and do what she needs to do. in the end she not going to be anyone that anyone is going to trust and she will eventually end up alone. in the meantime, you need to get your life back, enjoy your two teenage children. and maybe you'll meet someone that will treat you with respect.

Also get a lawyer, now. document these activities. and do not i repeat do not let a devorse leave you broke, paying for her flings. I sense you are not a aggresive guy, but dont let her walk all over you on the settlement. fight to make it fair.... nothing more nothing less..

Answer 8

She seems to be saying loud and clear that she doesn't give a damn about you. I have a feeling you are going to take a long time to get over this, but she was over you in a heart beat. The longer you linger over your situation, the longer it will take to come to terms with it. Your first step is to see yourself not being with her anymore, try to socialise to take your mind off this and get used to doing things on your own. It must be intolerable still living with her and I think you need to draw up some rules.

Answer 9

im sorry too ask this,but why have you stopped with her for this long,how can you forgive her for doing this on you so many times,it isnt just you who is affected it is the chilldren too,

im glad you have finally decided to seperate,where as many ppl would have done so before now,and is suppose its good you are keeping it amicable,,but again why are you so upset about her having someone else,isnt this what she has been doing all along,,let him have her n maybe she will oneday do the same on him too and he will know exactly how you felt.

good luck too you hope your life begins to get better,xxx

Answer 10

You're being a doormat.
It's time you started getting angry. Accept the fact that your marriage is over. Don't give her the power to hurt you any longer.
If the house is in your name, change the locks.