Re: A family reunion....Can you write an amusing few paragraphs that include these phrases?

Question

1. Soooooo.....You were finally released from the penitentiary?
2. My cousin has a face like Woody Allen and a brain like Paris Hilton.
3. I'll need an extra session with my shrink when this is over.
4. Are we really from the same gene pool?!
5. And when did you say you were abducted by the aliens?
6. I am eating dinner with a large group of lunatics.

Answer 1

Wish me luck!!!
Tonight I am eating dinner with a large group of lunatics.
MY FAMILY!!!!!!!
We are celebrating the release of my cousin Vinny from Creedemore State Penetentiary.
Let me tell you about Vinny. He's a great guy, but..........
When God was handing out gifts, Cousin Vinny was at the end of the line! My cousin has a face like Woody Allen and a brain like Paris Hilton. And as if this isn't 't bad enough, since being in jail, he has discovered he prefers an "alternative" lifestyle. No,No!! it's not what your thinking!!!
About a year ago ( Cousin Vinny has been in 5 years), he told me that he was being abducted by aliens at night and returned in the mornings!! I was flabbergasted!!
"And when did you say you were abducted by the aliens?"
I asked, incredulous at such a farce!
He described the first time it happened and gave all the vivid details! According to him "THEY" (thats what they called themselves) were neither male nor female and they experienced what we know as sex through the "Mind Zap", a non hands on technique similar to the Vulcan Mind Meld. He said "Once you go ZAP you never go back"!!! Hmmmm!!
I wondered why ALL alien abductions HAD to involve sex!! Was that all we were really good for?!!
Well......The day had arrived and since Cousin Vinny and I were very close, I got to be the one to go pick him up!! Lucky me!!
I was a little late and he was standing there waiting for me.
"Soooooo.....You were finally released from the penitentiary?" I greeted him warmly, giving him a big hug.
He looked surprisingly good, maybe all that 'space sex' was good for him! I laughed to myself!
Arriving at the house he was bombarded by the ENTIRE family, all wishing him well and all at least half drunk already!
Looking at the motley crew surrounding me, I wondered "Are we REALLY all from the same gene pool?!"Cousin Vinny was one of the BETTER loooking ones, I'll say no more!!!
As the evening wore on I began feeling quite merry, having drank multiple glasses of champagne and hardly eaten. Everyone was having a great time,laughing and dancing.The atmosphere was festive indeed!!
That's why I was surprised when Cousin Vinny asked me to go into the back yard with him for a minute. He told me that "THEY" were here but that I could'nt see them because i had not been initiated. I laughed like hell!! He stood quietly.
"THEY would like to know if you would like a "sample" I thought he was NUTS!!! "Sure" I said "Bring THEM on!!!"
He told me to just close my eyes and hold out my hands.
I did, still laughing when suddenly this indescribable feeling of pure bliss washed over me like a wave! It became stronger and stronger and soon I was engulfed in a vortex of rapturous delight!! Just as I began to swoon, Cousin Vinny caught me!!
"THEY wanted to thank you for all of your kindnesses to me over the years" He smiled and headed back in to the party.
I KNOW I'll need an extra session with my shrink when this party is over"!!!!!

Answer 2

One day, not long ago, my family had a reunion. It all started off quite well untill "my cousin who has a face like Woody Allen and a brain like Paris Hilton" said to my uncle "Soooooo... You were finally released from the penitentiary?"...so my uncle replied with "And when did you say you were abducted by the aliens?"...and that's when it all kicked off... my mum was just sat in the corner crying "I'll need an extra session with my shrink when this is over" and it all left me questioning "Are we really from the same gene pool?!"....so i gave up and just started screaming "I am eating dinner with a large group of lunatics" Then they all shut up and everything was put back together. We never met again!

Answer 3

Each morning, the first thing I do when I wake up is cross out another day on the calendar. And, each morning I notice the crosses are getting closer and closer to the date with the BIG circle around it. This countdown is not like your Christmas countdown. Oh, no, the latter is all about ANTICIPATION and the best, most exciting day of the year for every NORMAL 10-year old I know. This countdown is the COUNTDOWN OF DOOM. Let’s see. In… one, two, three, four, five, six, (…more like SICKS, if you ask me…) days I am eating dinner with a large group of lunatics.

Only six more days, then, BOOM, BOOM, KA-DOOM! It’s the annual LeCheminant Family Reunion. Don’t even ask me how to say it. It’s my mom’s side of the family, so we only need to pronounce the funky name once a year. Even then we call each other by first names… or some REALLY odd nicknames. For example, one of my cousins has a face like Woody Allen and a brain like Paris Hilton? They call him, “Wally Parton.” Go figure.

Go figure. O.K., there’s really now way to figure out Cousin Douglas… or Vic. (He must be 50 and he still hasn’t decided what his name is. Nevermind what’s printed on his birth certificate. “It’s just a piece of paper”, he says. “But a man’s name is not a piece of paper.” …Yeah, I don’t get it either.) Cousin DouglasVic is the one who started the snowball fight after the family luncheon at his father’s funeral. It ended when they cracked the windshield of Cousin Rob’s Mercedes. He (Cousin DouglasVic) always greets everybody (like it was the first time anyone’s heard it, though it’s been a bazillion times already) with, “Sooooo… You were finally release from the penitentiary?” Har-dee-har-har… SNARK!

“Har-dee-har-har… SNARK!” That would be Cousin Kathy. She brings her WORLD FAMOUS “Grasshopper Pie” to every reunion. The Iceberg Diner, down on 9th East and 39th South, makes a WOLRD FAMOUS “Grasshopper Shake”. It stands up 4 inches over the top of the cup it comes in! Vanilla soft serve, hot fudge, crushed Oreos, and mint… mmm-mmm-MMM! My personal favorite. Cousin Kathy’s “Grasshopper Pie” is made with real grasshoppers. GAAAAK! “You have to take a bite, or you’ll hurt Cousin Kathy’s feelings. She spends weeks catching grasshoppers to make that pie. And, it’s hard for a woman her age to chase grasshoppers”, my mom says. I say, “I can’t WAIT for the day the grasshoppers can out run Cousin Kathy!” Yee-HAW!!

“Yee-HAW!!!” That would be Uncle Stan. He comes to every reunion dressed like a pirate. Eye-patch. Fake peg leg. Hook for a hand. Stuffed parrot pinned to his shoulder wobbling around like a drunken pirate – the stuffed parrot, that is – NOT Uncle Stan. We’ve long since stopped reminding him that real pirates say things like, “ARRRGH!” and, “Shiver me timbers!” and, “Walk the plank, ye scurvy land lubbers!” Someone did the research and found a distant ancestor, Sarah Farr, who rang the church bell of her little English village one day in protest for something the King did. The King didn’t like it. And, just like in Humpty-Dumpty “all the King’s horses and all the King’s men” came after her. So, she fled to the Isle of Gurnsey and ended up marrying some Frenchie name Peter LeCheminant who was a pirate.

Pirates are actually kinda cool. I like thinking I’m related to a bunch of pirates with all the swashbuckling and gold doubloons. Maybe the rum-drinking would be O.K., too, if I weren’t still 10-years old. Yeah, pirates are cool. It’s the ALIENS that are really freaky. Doo-doo-DOO-doo… Doo-doo-DOO-doo…

“And, when did you say you were abducted by aliens?” That would be Uncle Terry… er, Aunt Terri. He/she claims to have been housebreaking his/her pet Chihua-Tzu, Miss Frida, by relieving him/herself with the bewildered doggie in arms in his/her backyard late one night in Sacramento when this bright light caught him/her in mid-squat. He/she says it was aliens that came and took him/her to perform experiments that ended up changing his/her sex. My dad says it was just a the spotlight from a police cruiser. The dog ended up running away at a truckstop in Barstow on Uncle/Aunt Terry/i’s next trip to the family reunion. Lucky dog. Maybe I could run away.

Wouldn’t be the first time family members have run away. Running away… a habit started by Sarah Farr and perfected by each of Uncle Murray’s six previous wives. Right before the last reunion (maybe because of it) Uncle Murray’s last wife, Dora, ran off with Uncle Murray’s next door neighbor… Ruth. He always called her “A-DORA-ble Dora.” She always rolled her eyes. Whenever he said it, too, he always leaned over and kissed her. She always glared and wiped the kiss off. Then, she would just walk away muttering, “I’ll need an extra session with my shrink when this is over.” They say Ruth is one of those herbal, holistic healing, hypnotherapists that wears a crystal around her neck and makes hats out of strainers and tin foil. Sounds like she’d fit right in, doesn’t she?

But, fitting in is something I’ve never seemed to be good at. At least, not at our family reunions. Seriously, I’ve thought about setting up chairs in a spectators’ area at the park where we always hold the event and then sell tickets to my friends so they could watch. They never believe me when I tell them all the wacky things that go on. Dunk tanks, with jello. Salad eating contests. Pizza frizzbee toss. Pineapple bowling. Hide-and-go-hide (,…which takes forever since no one ever goes seeking.) Multiplication tag (…where everyone has a scientific calculator and has to solve a complex quadratic equation or they are “It”.) Every year I wonder, “Are we really from the same gene pool?” And, every night I pray that I’m really adopted.