My husband and I have been having an ongoing arguement. He would get on the computer while I was out and look up things and then erase them and clean the computer. He was very secretive and I begun to suspect something was up. When I uploaded a keylogger,I found that he was looking up many types of porn.We used to look it up together but lately he pays no attention to me physically, or mentally.It really hurt when I realized that he was getting more pleasure from looking at porn then being with me.I finally admitted one night to installing the keylogger.He is very good at turning things around and making me feel at fault so instead of explaining or even wanting to talk to me about why he would look up the types of things he did ,all he did was yell at me about the keylogger and refused to talk about anything else.I have a very high need for sex and he used to too, but now nothing happens between us. Was I really in the wrong for suspecting him. There has been fidelity prob in the past.
2007-07-08 12:55:27 · 15 answers · asked by ambrosiag2000 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Maggie, that may be the case but I was too trusting once before. And he abused that trust. As for him finding out I told him myself. Thanks for your input though.
2007-07-08 13:05:43 · update #1
The secret key logger was kind of underhanded. I understand it, but you can't be surprised he was angry. Wait for him to calm down and talk to him again. Don't mention the key logger, tell him you need to talk about the lack of sex, and how the porn makes you feel. He'll probably lash out again about the logger, but just tell him you're sorry you felt you had to resort to that, but he's had his say on that. It's time to deal with the real issue.
There are two really, first is the secret porn, and the impact it's having. The second is the lack of trust in your relationship. You mentioned a fidelity problem, so I'm guessing you don't really trust him. He'll probably push the "don't you trust me?" angle, and you have to admit that you don't. And explain why you don't. Since he's more at fault here, he's going to fight dirty, because he can't win a rational argument here. Don't get caught up in the personal attacks, stick to facts and express your feelings.
Good luck.
2007-07-08 13:04:28 · answer #1 · answered by rohak1212 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
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2016-07-25 23:24:15 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It does look bad but it doesn't mean it is. Keep your eyes open, check his email and phone records. Once you have a lot of evidence, then confront him. Things can look really bad when they aren't so try not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Many couples argue over money, it does not mean it is a bad relationship or a doomed relationship. Many people are having financial difficulties right now. When the financial problems go away, so will your arguments. ADD: Many men don't want sex when their wife is big pregnant or even pregnant at all. When we hit the six month mark, we pretty much gave up on sex.
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2016-04-16 16:13:19 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No but there has to be some reason why he is rufusing sex over porn. Try talking to him tell him how you feel and tell him that you would not have installed that program if he had told you what he was doing instead of being sneaky about it. Maybe he is addicted to the porn. There is a problem and you both need to figure it out. Tell him that you love him and that you want to figure out what is going on. Tell him that you do not understand why he is not having sex or paying attention to you anymore. Tell him would like to know. Tell him you are worried about him. If all you cought was porn and not him talking to other women i do not feel he is cheating on you. Maybe he is just addicted to porn. He does have a problem what it is i have no idea but you need to try to have a talk with him and find out what it is. If you guys need marriage counsiling i would try that. I would try talk to him about what maybe the problem first. you were not in the wrong.
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2007-07-08 13:03:43 · answer #4 · answered by knowssignlanguage 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I personally think your looking at this all wrong. He is obviously feeling inadequate to you. I mean if he is having some type of self-esteem problem that would be why is looking up porn to satisfy his urges instead of being with you. Porn on the computer is safe...you have no personal connection with it. You have no two way communication. Its a one way street so to speak.
Not to mention, he erased it because he felt ashamed about it and knew it would hurt you; and if you knew then he would have to face up to his own insecurities. I wouldnt really take this personal. Just think about it.
2007-07-08 13:09:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
seems the big thing is trust and communication I think and would tell my spouse looking at porn makes me very uncomfortable, why do you need that unless you do that togehter, the way I see as far as spying, I would feel you should trust your mate and not go that far, but in the end if we live in trust all of our lives and ever get hurt when there doing something then the ones that mess around for sure, are going to keep on going because were putting our trust not to ever look into things.
2007-07-08 13:27:42 · answer #6 · answered by soccermom3 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If there have been infidelity problems in the past, he is becoming more distant and is secretive then no, you were not wrong. You tried to talk to him about it and he got mad at you, since there was infidelity before your actions were not out of line. I understand he is your husband, but I would question the relationship based on everything you have stated. Trust and communication should be the cornerstones of any healthy relationship.
2007-07-08 13:01:53 · answer #7 · answered by Starshine 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He yelled at you about the keylogger because he KNOWS he's doing something wrong and he's trying to turn the guilt of what HE is doing on you. Typical defensive stuff.
Horray for you!!!!! He clearly has a bit of an addiction problem to the stuff (i.e., he is looking at it without you, lying about it and your sex life is suffering) so he needs to get some help or I'd toss the puter out the window (or him....that's up to you).
2007-07-08 13:00:57 · answer #8 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 5⤊ 1⤋
wow, I would have done the same think!! Screw that if he wants the fake *** let him jerk it to them. He wont be able to say anything when you look else were for pleasure and affection. Why is it that guys can look all they want but when we want to put in a porn video we are...freaky or wierd. I say something else is up and you should continue to get to the bottom of it. If he is hiding that he is hiding other stuff.
2007-07-08 13:01:02 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
It shows a lack of trust on your end that you used a keylogger, but shows a lack of respect on his end that he isn't being honest about his porno habits. Talk to a marital counselor to help untangle the mess. Sex is a big deal, but this is bigger than sex. Both of you have some forgiving to do, and it's not easy but that's the only way to get through it. It's not worth fighting until someone "wins" if the bigger problem isn't solved. Best of luck to you.
2007-07-08 13:00:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 3⤋