How do you keep neutral between married friends who are splitting up?

Question

He has been open and told me what was going on, he recently discovered she has been having an affair, they discussed it & she denied it but he is now devastated and says he is leaving as he caught her with her lover. The wife is now being being volatile towards me because I left it a day after the news from him before I would talk to her. I said I was not getting involved & that this is an issue that while I'm upset at it, is their business. I offered my support as a friend but then she became volatile, said some really hurtful things and basically told me where to go, they are both like best friends of mine for many years, I have never done anything to be disloyal to either of them and am now concerned that a lifelong friendship is being terminated by 1 of the couple & for what? Do I just ignore her now or wait til she calms down & hear her out? The way she has treated me during this is as if I did something bad to her. How do I avoid getting involved or hurt any more than I am?

I am disappointed in her she used me to go out to places so she could be with the lover, she insisted he was just a friend and he was also a friend of her husband so she and he were basically together right in front of all of us and all our friends. I did nothing to Egg anything on her husband told me the story himself after he discovered it all. The contact i had with her was over the phone so there was no judging from me and no body language for her to be so angry with me. I do understand she may be transferring her feelings of guilt onto me. But is this it, is our friendship over?

Answer 1

It sounds to me like she's trying to cover her embarrassment by placing all the blame and attention onto you. You can give her time to accept that she's wholly in the wrong and hope she admits it, if only to herself, so that your friendship can get back on track. Don't let her treat you like dirt, that's not acceptable behaviour. Don't rush into anything, maybe even keep out of the way for a while, but let your friends know you're there for both of them if they need you. If she ignores that then she's obviously not worth the upset she's causing and you're probably better off without her. Remember, time does heal ( I know that's a cliche but it's true), but it could be a while before everything calms down.

Answer 2

Dear Bubbles & Rainbows. I can understand the situation you are in, having been friends for years only to see them seperate and you stuck in the middle of it all, Not nice place to be. However there is always gold at the end of a rainbow. The wife of your friend is proberly scared of what is going to happen to her and her marriage, and is proberly embarassed that you know she was playing around hence the volatile situation you found your self in. Your male friend is rightly upset at what he had found out, that much is clear. But how do you want to deal with this situation? My suggestion is you wait a while until she calms down. go to see her explaining that you have been friends for years and you would like to continue in this vain. You must state that you refuse to take side, or be a messenger for either party, but you can be an ear for who ever needs you, however you must stress that what ever is said by one person will be kept with-in the walls you hear it and will not be repeated to the other. This is not showing any disloyality but honest friendship and trust. I don't envy your position, but if you want to remain friends with both parties, follow the rules above
Best Wishes and good luck....David

Answer 3

Question of the Century, Why did you string along this Single Mother and her Child for 6 YEARS? Just wandering. Personally you just are not the right one for her. After a year a Man knows whether or not he has found the Lady that he can marry. You stringed her along she got tired and now wants to avenge her pain by torchering you. Take it from me, she wasted a lot of time and so did you. You knew right from the start that she was not marriageable for you. So When a Woman is this bitter about the past and what you mean to her she will never be what you need. I am loving the fact that you said " You were like a father to her child, that is a pathetic statement. A father would be there to protect and provide for the child let' retract and say that you were like a "Daddy" instead. You made her child sound like a charity case wow.

Answer 4

My wife left me 6 years ago for her lover. To be honest its amazing how many so called friends will cross the street rather than have to talk to you. there is no answer to your question. And by what you have said it seems you are taking the side of the guy as you told her you were upset by what she has done. Just stay clear of her for a few days or maybe longer. She owes you an apology for the things she said to you but really my advise is to not get involved at all. I have known couples to get back together and then both turn on the friend that was trying to help them .
Good luck anyway

Answer 5

Oh dear. She wasn't much of a friend to use you like that - but theres no point judging - generally there are two sides to a story. Once they sort it out then hopefully your friendship will get back to normal. You have to remember that they are two individual people - once you've been together a while people tend to 'coupleize' you! Stay calm and neutral but walk away if you get any more of the fallout for your own sanity.

Answer 6

This is going to be nasty. Very few divorces are not. Try not to become a casualty of their fallout. Keep your head low and try to be there for both of them. She doesnt mean what she says, she is probably panicking and is frightened. Let them contact you if they want to talk but dont put up with bad behaviour from her directed at you. She needs you more than you need her at the moment. Stay calm and maybe take a good step back. It might be an idea to distance yourself from them both a little, let them come to you. If they have been good friends to you in the past, give them their grace and let them work through things. Would not wish divorce on my worst enemy.

Answer 7

You have told her that you will be supportive her as a friend by that you don't want to get involved in the situation. Just to be a friend.

She probably feels you have deserted her. And she probably feels embarrased that you know what happened and feels badly that she is the reason for the end of her marriage...

You can choose to listen to her out. and then just go on. And not let what she has to say influence youone way or the other... Or you can choose to keep your distance until she calms down. But be forwarned that it make take a long time for the two of you to reconnect.

Good luck If you value both of them as friends then you correct to try to not get involve with the dynamics of what has happened between them

Answer 8

Sounds like she has a guilty conscience over the way she has treated you throughout her affair. I think, for the moment, it might be wise to take a step back from the whole situation. You're not breaking off the friendship completely, you're just giving them the space needed to work through their problems as a couple.

Answer 9

That is her guilt talking. Speaking from experience, people do not remain neutral. When my hubby and I divorced all of our friends assumed they knew why. He got all their support. I got none. Had they known the truth about the divorce they would have certainly been a little more selective about who's side to take. Give her some time to come around. She'll be ready to talk and until then be available for her.

Answer 10

You are going to have to choose if she continues like that.
I think she is lashing out because she has been caught red handed and doesn't like herself much at the moment.
In my experience, most of the time when couples split up you do tend to see one of them and not the other, and this is generally because the other person makes a new life with someone else and cuts their old life off.

I would let her get on with it and look out for the friend who needs it the most!!!