Am I ever going to like her children from a previous marriage?

Question

My fiance has 2 children, the 6 year old definitely has ADHD, and the 3 year old possible does. I have a 6 year old myself that is very mellow and mature for her age. Her kids drive me CRAZY. We're working together to calm her down, and now she has an appointment to get help. We don't know what do to. I am madly in love with her, but wish that her children just went away. Will I ever get along with them? I need advice on what to do about her condition and what I can do to make this work.

Answer 1

Welcome to the wonderful world of Dad bailed on the kids.

ADHD, I and every single man dating a woman with kids out there swear, is developed by children who do not have contact with a male authority figure in the home. So, it's time to bear your brother's burden, young man.

Have a good long talk with Mama. Tell her you can get the behaviors straight, and how you plan to do it and that you need her backup. Literally. My man spoke with my son regarding whatever issue we were having at the time, man to man, this is how it is....not mean, not intimidating, just this is how it is...I stood a bit behind him and nodded to my son when what my man said was true. My son knew the sentiments expressed by his step father were shared by me, even if i am the wimpy mama and step-dad had to say it.

Right now, i really wouldn't worry about liking them, Get the behaviors under control..

Help mom establish a routine of dinner, baths and bed. Agree the house will be settled by, say, 8:30. This should allow for some peaceful adult time. mom can take a nice hot bath and you can chill on the computer while she's in there. 8:30.

my partner's son is also a mellow, mature child who excells in sports and school. The kids who have interaction with their fathers fare better. My son was 12 and off the hook when my partner moved it. My son drove my partner crazy. But 12 years of my tactics, mom's tactics, was making frustratingly little progress. Within 2 years my son had learned to speak in an appropriate volume, respect other people's space, perform more consistently in school and comply with a request promptly. We all survive much better now and my man can actually communicate on His level with my son now.

Also, occupy their time. Go online to childrens/preschool/elementary free activities/curriculum. Print out things to color, glue, cut and display. My kids loved this activity. Do "lessons" every day. ADHD kids need to practice structured activity, even if it is fun.

Go to the local appliance store and pick up a refrigerator box and a washing machine box. Attach them with brad clips, cut out windows and doors and let the three of them paint a "Castle." invest in a kiddie pool. Empty after every use. Get squirt guns and water toys. You wear them out, not the other way around.

Part of Not having to discipline is not giving them the opportunity to choose a wrong behavior. ie: Structure.

Take them off sodas and sugars and high carbohydrate foods. Ask the doctor about incorporating a multi-vitamin into your daily diets, kids too.

They need to sleep 12 hours. In a dark and quiet room...nightlights allowed.

Take this in hand now. you are madly in love with her, and her kids will be madly in love with you...in a decade or so when they are competent young people who are prepared to live independently. Aim for the end result. You take it in hand.

I wish you all the best, and a wonderful loving family. God bless you and yours.

Answer 2

I have a child from a previous marriage and I usually end up dating women who have kids. It definately is an issue ONLY if you're with someone or are someone who makes it bigger that it is. First, the kid does not come first if you're married to someone nor is the kid first if you intend to marry someone. If that person does not put the relationship (you) first then it will definately fall apart. Second, you do have a choice especially if you don't have kids of your own. You can be with someone who doesn't have kids and there goes that problem. However, I guarantee you'll have some other issue with someone else. No one is perfect. Third, if you love the guy and want to be married then start being a great step-mom which means you learn to not feel left out when he talks to the ex about the child. You don't interfere with the "old" families communication and despite not being a biological mother, you love that child with all your heart and possibly show him/her more grace than you would your own. He/she feels just as bad and weary about the situation as you do.

Answer 3

First understand that the children are struggling even worse than you are. It is difficult on young children to have a disorder that they can not control with out help, guidance and sometimes medication. They get frustrated too because they WANT to act right but their mind won't cooperate. Don't get in the habit of blaming them. They are young and whether you realize it they can intuitively since that they are driving you crazy and that you don't like them. Which can be scary and cause them to blame themselves if things go wrong or don't work out.

Perhaps take the perspective that your natural child's personality is not better, simply different from theirs.
Examine yourself as well, because wishing that they "just went away" is serious. That is like wishing a physical part of her body just went away. These are not in-laws they are her children and they are NOT going away. If that is an issue for you, you may need to see someone to work out those feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person just an honest one. (which is rare these days).

Loving her madly means loving the kids with the same intensity. Because once your married they will belong to you as well. There should no longer be her kids and my kid, but our children that we love together and forever.
Love is not about loving when it's easy, it's about loving in spite of the difficult or ugly.

Answer 4

Do you have custody of your child? If you do then I'm sure you'll understand the rules of single parents dating. The first is the package rule. Accept the children, accept me.

You really need to deal with it. You're the adult. If you can't get used to her kids then leave her alone. The fact that you have a child should make it easier to put yourself in the position of having to choose between your child and a lover. If you were to choose this woman, it would not be fair if at anytime down the line to make her feel like you do not accept her child too.

Love THEM or leave her. Good luck dude, hope everythings works out

Answer 5

Wow, patience, understanding and time is the only thing I can think of. As you get to know them and spend time with them and they you, I think a bond can be made which will foster understanding, and trust. When they realize that you care, and get a bit older I am sure things will change. On top of everything else they probably act out because mom has someone new, not all kids adapt to this easily. Hang in there, put forth an extra effort and things will work out in time.

Answer 6

I don't buy the ADHD thing - not in a 6 yr old, and CERTAINLY not in a 3 yr old. The meds are only going to make things worse. ADHD at that age is usually just a cop out for parents who have been inconsistent in their enforcement of rules, and have thus created a monster. I suggest you take them off the meds (Good God, if you put a 3 yr old on anti psychotic medications, you are truly sick), and work on being a parent instead.

As for whether you'll like them - you are an ADULT, and they are basically toddlers. I'd say THEY aren't the ones with the problem. You knew when you married her that they were part of the package, didn't ya?

As for what you can do, step up and start being a parent. They've been through a lot for as young as they are, so they're really just looking for attention and stability. If you start giving them that, I guarantee you'll ALL be so much happier. And don't compare them to YOUR 6 yr old - that's ridiculous. That'd be like comparing your fiance to your ex - they're totally different people.

Answer 7

my fiance has a daughter with some issues, and sometimes i do wish that she would go away too, i know that sounds harsh but she can cause so many problems within our relationship, which otherwise is a very strong union, his EX is also a pain and tries to cause problems whenever she can, but i love my fiance, i wouldnt give him up for anything, so i am trying to work through these issues before we tie the knot so to speak, i believe that if the both of you sit down and agree 100% on a plan of action and stick to it, you will get to where you know you can be, also be aware of what those children have been through in her previous relationship, thats where my fiance's daughter got her issues, his relationship with his ex was very turbulent and she did see and hear alot, so that wasnt her fault.

Answer 8

You are making a mistake. For a grown man to pick on 2 little kids (you wish them to just go away). It is not a fair fight for a big man against 2 kids and I am sure you will put the mother in an awkward position of choosing.

Just walk away. There is no room in you to take on other people's kids.

Answer 9

Try to be patient. If you love her then it shouldn't be only about her. Remember the whole package or nothing. Remember you are not their father so they are still trying to get used to you. Give it time and find out about getting the child on medication. Children don't try to be bad but if they have had alot of changes lately it could be very confusing to them especially bringing another child around them in the relationship. If you truely love her, give it time and be patient. Hope this helps

Answer 10

She comes as a full package with children who has ADHD. It is obvious the kids aren't going anywhere so you have to make a decision before this thing goes any further. I know what you are going through had a best friend whose son had ADHD. He got so out of control that he slapped my then 2 year daughter and he was 8 and she wanted me to understand because of his condition. My husband got upset every time she came because her son was out of control. Not on his meds because she said it made him like a zombie. I had to eventually call off our friendship. She said she didn't have friends because of her son but everybody in my family was miserable, I had to make a choice for the good of all sever all ties. Are you prepared to go through this. Sometimes medications has to be adjusted and even with meds they still have bouts. Either your in it for the long haul or you haul off somewhere while the getting is good. I felt bad after our friendship ended but what was I suppose to do allow her out of control child to make my other four kids miserable and my husband.