My Husband Doesn't Like Me To Have Money In My Account or In My Savings...?

Question

I have noticed a pattern with my husband of 7 years.

Whenever I get any money... he always fishes it out of my hands. He doesn’t ask for it, he just pulls up to the drive-through and politely asks for the cash or runs his debit card to my account without telling me.

I don't know what to do, I can’t save or purpose money towards certain tasks or projects because of this. Any suggestions.

Also, my husband makes me get direct deposit, rather than giving me the choice to cash or deposit the checks myself. My personal preference would be to cash the ck myself, because I seem to spend it slower that way. What do you think is going through his mind?

Answer 1

Not a good sign. Either he's been burned before by a woman and is now over reacting, or he's a complete control freak. If it's the first one, you need to let him know that you don't appreciate this lack of trust, and either way, you need to get some control of your finances. Does he manage the money well at least? Or are you always running around broke and waiting for pay day?

Maybe you need to dig a bit deeper and find out where the money is going. If he's spending all of it, then you have an equal right to determine how it's spent. If he's socking it away in a personal account, he may be hoarding for himself. He may even be preparing to leave you. Has he done this all along, or is this a relatively new behaviour? If it's new, you need to do something fast. Are all the household bills in your name? Are they paid up? If he leaves tomorrow, would you be stuck with all the debts? It's not a pleasant idea, but it's happened before. Make sure your financial situation is balanced, that he hasn't stuck all the debts in your name, and all the assets in his.

I'd suggest you start to take control of your own money. Don't ask him, just do it. Get your own account, that he can't access, and have at least some of your pay deposited into it. You'll learn a lot from his reaction to this. If he freaks out you know there's a serious problem. If he is hurt and scared, he's worried you're going to leave him. I wish you luck, and I hope I'm wrong about him.

Answer 2

I'll be the devil's advocate on this issue since everyone seems to assume that he is just taking your money and spending it.

First of all is there a reason why he is taking the money? Have you in the past spent money and put your family in a situation where there was not enough money for the bills or other things. If this is the case then I don't blame him for taking the money from you.

If this is not the case, could you elaborate on what he is doing with the money? Is he spending it all on him? Is he saving for retirement? Is he investing?

In the case that this is a control issue then you need to confront him. Unlike many people that replied to you, you just can't go behind his back and take care of it. Talk to him and find out why he does this. If it is a control issue then forget about the different accounts and so on, you need marriage counseling not separate accounts. Once you have separate accounts he will find another way to get control.

Answer 3

It seems like he needs you to need him, and by making sure that you have nothing is his insurance policy that you wont be going anywhere soon.
You need to confront him and find out what the issue is, if nothing gets better you need to stop the direct deposit (you say he is making you do the direct deposit, but unless he's holding a gun to your head you are the one making that decision) and handle your own money, and don't forget to cancel his card to the account. The last thing you want to do is set yourself up for failure. Be strong and stand up, you are your own person regardless of the fact that he is your husband, if he loves you he should not need to control you in such a way.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Actually, Hon, I'm wondering what is going through your mind. Why are you allowing this man to control you this way?? I would cancel that direct deposit tomorrow and set up my own personal account in another bank with my name on it only. One thing your control freak does not realize is that there could be any number of situations when you could need access to your money immediately without consulting him. Really, just don't put up with this nonsense any longer.

Answer 5

He's a control freak. My Xhusband hated that I had my own money, and he would never contribute to any household bills until my money was gone. He didn't even want me to work, as this gave me independence to make my own choices, or leave him if I chose to. But I always insisted on working and keeping my ability to do things or have some money to put towards what I thought was important - Because he didn't care about my opinion or what I wanted, or what I thought was important for us or the kids - Because he only cared about what he wanted and was very selfish in all his points of view and decisions.... I could never trust him to take care of me.

I wouldn't in a million years, put up with the way your husband is controlling you. I would insist on a certain amount of freedom, and if he couldn't accept it I wouldn't accept staying married to him. You must stick up for yourself if you want things to change. This may cause difficulties in your marriage if he is unable to accept allowing you any independence. But unless you are willing to bow to his wishes and accept that he will have complete control over money and all of your decisions - as you have been doing - you must stand your ground and insist on having your own money and right to save and spend toward your own goals (when yours and his are not the same goal)

What I suggest is that you open up your own account that he doesn't have access to. Have your paychecks direct deposited into that account. Decide what amount you should contribute to supporting the household, and put that amount into the joint account. You can discuss this w/your husband, but you may want to set up the account and direct deposit first. Then when he notices, discuss what each should contribute jointly. Explain that each of you should be allowed to save or spend whats extra after bills, etc. And when you both agree on certain goals that require working towards as a team, you can both combine some or all of your savings together jointly as agreed upon. Unless it is something discussed and both agree what each will contribute, and mutually desire to accomplish - savings and extra monies can be kept separate, and spent with individual discretion.

And when your discussing how much each will contribute.... If there is a great difference in income amounts, try to negotiate around percentages as well as amounts.
AND remember, housekeeping,cooking, laundry, etc... these things don't come free of even cheaply. Just look into how much private housekeepers make hourly.

Answer 6

I don't know what is going on in his mind but I mean does he really make you get direct deposit. Can't you request your money by check. I mean you work for the company not him. If you have to get a seperate account maybe under a family members name that you trust and save your money that way. But of everything talk to him. If it is really bothering you maybe yall can work it out. If not then maybe try to get away from him.

Answer 7

This must be the second Q from you.Why do you talk of this so called husband like he is your parent?Your 'husband' is trying to deny you your independence and you allow him to do it.He does this because he knows that money will empower you to do the things you need to do to improve your lot in life but he hates that.It is a question of power and respect and you have to say NO NO NO!!!! You will keep some of the money you work for or you will start walking.Think of this.He has you in a corner if and when he decides to leave you he will leave you so broke that you would have a hard time finding yourself.Get your independence even if you have to fight for it.

Answer 8

Control...if you have no money then he thinks that he never has to worry about you leaving him. He thinks, errantly, that if he controls the purse then you are stuck. Get another account that he can't get into. Do not get a card for it. Deposit your checks into that account where he can't get to them. You can tell him about the account if you wish. Stand up for yourself and tell him no when he asks you to pay for everything. You have to learn to stand up for yourself or he will continue to walk all over you. He will eventually quit harassing you about it. Tell him how you are feeling about his control and that you do not like it. Let him know that you would like to save for a few nicer things for the household. If he doesn't come around then I would suggest counseling to work through his issues and your lack of self confidence when it comes to him.

Answer 9

you're able to have the means to yet you may probably go with a replica of the dying certificates to coach that your husband is particularly lifeless and a few form of I.D. to coach you're particularly the beneficiary. the excellent thank you to look after it truly is to close that account and make it a joint account. That way you will constantly have get admission to even on the comparable day he had that stroke.

Answer 10

I see all kinds of red flags here. My suggestion is to get counseling as quickly as possible. There are many possibilities to explain what's going on (he could be controlling, abusive or with a tendency toward becoming abusive, insecure, carrying baggage from a previous relationship or his home life as a child and many other possibilities).

Please call a counselor and get some help.
SG