Should me and my wife try to save this marriage?

Question

Fisrt thing I want to say is that I love my wife. It is just I don't think she loves me back. It all started when she wanted to go to texas to see an old friend and I did not want her to go. She told me that they had been friends forever and I knew they had been. She ommitted the fact that they were in a relationship previously and when she came back she wanted the divorce. All she would do was talk about him and her time there and then made the desicion to move with him. Then all of a sudden she wants to fix the marriage. It hasn't been the same since. She has been very wishy washy lately being lovey one day and distant the next. I do love her and although our marriage hasnt been the best I kinda want to fix it. We are going trying to go get counciling now. The main reason I have been dwelling on this is the fact that I need to know now what to do, our lease is almost up and its either stay here and maybe it will get better or go back home. I am very confused.

Answer 1

I have in depth experience with this situation as I lived it last year. If you love your wife, you've got to leave her and let her figure out that she wants you and the marriage. No more chasing her or begging her to work things out. Obviously, she had/is having an affair and is probably ashamed of her behavior and doesn't know how to handle it. Affairs are tricky and hard to get out of sometimes, even when you desperately want to end things. Counseling only works marginally, unless you get a super great counselor (hard to come by). If you show her that you can make it without her, she may realize that she doesn't want to live without you. I know she wants to keep her marriage together, she just doesn't know how to break things off completely with the other guy (meaning no communication). Separate for awhile and see if things improve or she sees that the other guy is not what she needs. If things don't improve after 3-4 months, I'd start divorce proceedings. Things worked out for my husband and me about a month after we separated. I was the one that did all the things your wife is/was doing and we did the counseling route too.My husband loved me to death. It still didn't make me stop thinking about the other guy. I was very distant from my husband without even realizing I was, but he felt it. We both filed for divorce and moved to different states. A month later we were back together and we didn't go back to our home state to finalize the divorce. I hope you are able to glean something from what I've shared with you. You will need to get away from this situation to make you well again. If it is to be, you two will get through this awful time. God bless you and your wife!

Answer 2

Wishy washy is not a good sign. You still love her and would like to 'fix' the relationship. What relationship? the guy for one reason or another does not really want her so she runs back to you because it's easier and she is licking her wounds. You are now a resting spot until she finds another better thing.
I would give her a major wake up call and get a separation you both need time to think this through.
You will need to get over the shock and start thinking clearly without her around. Can you get over her sleeping and have pillow talk with another guy? She didn't just fool around she got emotionally involved!
These are serious questions and they have to be addressed
after a short time get marriage counseling. But be prepared to say goodbye.

Answer 3

Thats rough. Well heres my advice. You love her so i think it's in your best interest to try and save the marriage. At least you can say you tried. Maybe the best thing for you would be to spend some time apart. Spend some time getting to know yourselves and what you really want out of life. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. She might have thought that this other man could make her happy and then realized that that wasn't the case. The best thing to do in the mean time is really talk it over. Have a serious heart to heart about what you both need and want from the relationship. Agreeing to see a counselor shows that she cares in making this work. Try reading some books on the matter. A good book you could both read together is "don't sweat the small stuff in love" Good luck.

Answer 4

By the way she is acting... Maybe she should go to some individual counselling too. to make sure she really wants to be with you. Acting "wishy washy" as u put it, sounds like a sign that she's got issues within herself that need to be worked out b4 any marriage issues can really be solved. If you love her, then by all means, fighting for it with all your heart is what you need to do. But, if she doesn't want it, then it will never work. So marriage counselling to open up the lines of communication is probably a good idea, but counselling for her is a must.

Answer 5

Well, only you can really answer this - depending on how strongly you feel about her. However, the fact she disregarded your feelings about going to visit this friend, and even went as far as covering up the fact the two of them were in a relationship, is a pretty horrible thing to do. I would also question why she wants to fix the marriage all of sudden. She was so quick to want to be with this other guy - maybe the other guy said he didn't want her and now she is trying to fall back on you. I'm not trying to be negative, but it all just seems very odd to me. You need to have a long talk with her and counseling isn't a bad idea at this point.

Answer 6

She signed a 12 month lease agreement??? Already working on the divorce?? I don't think she is going to budge buddy~! I don't know what you did but yea that's a serious woman right there. If she is no longer attracted to you that's a hard thing to get back. The marriage is worth saving for you but not her. Whatever is lacking in you she in more than confident she can b full filled with someone else....anyone else!

Answer 7

let me start off by letting you know, how much I appreciate your trust in love. Don't give up on it. Second, I see that you've written that you have not gone to counseling yet. My advice is try that first and you might feel differently. Couseling will allow the true colors to be seen, so if your wife is hiding her feeling for you or another man, don't fret she won't be able to hide infront of someone, who knows how to probe it out of her, and you as well. Your not off the hook, look at yourself as well, but do this under a caring and guided hand such as a couselor. I push this b/c with this situation, there seems to be some hiding going on and if you have third party it might be easier for the both of you if you decide to it this way.After and only then base your decision off of that. /But remember also, if you have forgiven your wife for leaving then thats said and done, but I don't think you have, so maybe start there. Keep trying but do not do not allow yourself to be continuously hurt by someone who does not want it to work. Don't let this be a case of just being with someone b/c you don 't want to be alone. All blessings to you and your marriage.

Answer 8

Do not EVER base your relationships on a lease expiration!

If you love her, it is worth trying to save the relationship. You don't have to have a perfect marriage for it to be worth saving.

Your wife's actions suggest maybe she was considering a divorce before she left ... and the fact that she is still with you suggests that she still loves you.

Go to counseling, deal with the issue of her and the other guy, and see what comes of it. Don't place a timeframe on it ... that will only add pressure neither of you need!

Answer 9

sounds to me like she cheated while on this trip to Tx. But when shes home she is torn. Shes probably got some pressure from the friend too. this is why she's wishy washy. If you can deal with the fact that he cheated then work it out. If you cant then move when the lease is up! sorry but its the truth whether you believe it or not.

Answer 10

Our marriage was in big trouble at 10 yrs. We sought counseling. It was great. Spent almost 3 months at it. He worked with each of us individually, and together. What he really did was help us figure out what our problems were and put our problems out on the table so we could deal with the issues. We learned to work things out and used his teachings several more times in later years. We have celebrated 40 yr of marriage, and it was definitely worth the effort to save it 30 yr ago. Go for it and good luck.