Today has been a rough day for writing. I'm not sure what I think about this one--at all. So, feedback is very much appreciated.
Mystery
You spoke to me
in the secret language of thunder.
Words like rain, sweet rain,
vibrating the window pane.
Tapping out simple notes
a gentle message of love
You filled me
with the silent strength of stone.
Sturdy like high walls
set deep within the earth,
immovable, unshakable,
a sure reminder of your faithfulness.
2007-07-08 11:00:37 · 16 answers · asked by Todd 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
You actually wrote a poem! What a relief to read a real poem rather than prose in forced rhyme. The alliteration in the "silent strength of stone," followed by continued alliteration in the next two lines sets the mood of a gentle kind of strength, rather than violent strength. If this was done on one of your bad days, I look forward to what you'll produce on a good day.
2007-07-08 11:07:15 · answer #1 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Not sure I understand where this is going. It does sound like it's been a rough day for writing, but you have some good ideas in there.
It sounds like you have the kernels of about 3 different poems going on simultaneously: one about the mystery (could use further development because it's not clear exactly what it is that's mysterious), one about silent, unshaken support, and one about a lover speaking to you in a voice of rain and thunder.
Could be you have a series of poems that need to be teased out of these lines. I'd be interested to see how this develops. Keep sharing--
2007-07-08 18:33:30 · answer #2 · answered by KD 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Nice poetic imagery in "secret language of thunder," and "silent strength of stone."
Lines 3 & 4 seem a little awkward to me, though.
I'd rather see a two-syllable descriptor for rain, instead of "rain, sweet rain." ("words like sweetest rain"?)
"Vibrating the window pane" seems a little funny, too ("Rapping on the window pane"?), but it's ok.
Nice work as a whole!
2007-07-08 19:53:11 · answer #3 · answered by Sir N. Neti 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ohhhh.."secret language of thunder"- Wow! That line is strong! In fact this entire poem is filled with strong lines. I Loooove similie and metaphor in poems! I think this one could be published. The absolute only thing I would change would be the title. It is not a mystery how you feel hear; it is as clear as day!
2007-07-11 07:45:41 · answer #4 · answered by Mum's the Word : + 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have great alliterative image and evoke a great deal without overspending your words: very nice. I would prefer lines 3 & 4 in the first stanza not rhyme (you could end with "window") and a different adjective than "gentle" (or again, eliminate the word). Also, add a comma after "Sturdy": it gives the line a moment to breathe and adds focus to that word.
Very nice, very clean, simple and elegant. Thanks!
2007-07-09 07:44:06 · answer #5 · answered by ObscureB 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry about your rough day.. Someone said "Out of the greatest pain comes the greatest art." You. friend, are a victim of that. This is a great poem...particularly..because the narrative is as calm as a rippleless pond.
That's a meditative approach to looking at mystery...good work!
2007-07-08 21:23:31 · answer #6 · answered by Monsieur Recital Vinyliste 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's sweet, dude!
(subliminal ...Yoink!)
Your will is made
of silent strength of stone.
Impenetrable like a wall
set deep within the turf,
like a donkey's hoof,
a sure reminder of your stubborness.
2007-07-08 18:30:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Todd, I like you have had a strange day it seems. I like your poem even with two rains in one line. I do that too, just to emphasize. I don't know if that was your intention but it's all good to me.
2007-07-08 20:22:30 · answer #8 · answered by The Dark Prince 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yup very good....
I liked the 1st paragraph...
The message is clear and all the words have a relation with each other...It's beautifully coordinated..
I'm gonna star u!.....keep up the good work!!
2007-07-08 18:08:05 · answer #9 · answered by Sus-Girl 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Whoo! must be a special someone eh? The "meta" in this is very sw33t considering the length, amazin' Todd *^_^*
All the Best, Shad @)~>~
2007-07-09 23:12:59 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋