prenuptials - what is fair? I want to hear from both sides.?

Question

I am a professional man. I would like to know what people think, because I don't think there is a right answer.

Assumptions:
1. This is not first marriage, so all that sacredness about marriage for life is moot in a way.
2. I make 10 times the woman, say 400K vs 40K.
3. I am willing to pay for all her expenses (everything except for her childen's luxuries, say private music and athletic lessons) while she's with me, for her to keep all her income, spend her income as she wants, say for her children's lessons.
4. But if she and I are divorced, I don't want her to take half of my savings while we are married. I propose 0-10%.

What do you all think?

The reality is although we all don't want divorces, but it will happen. Why get married? To enjoy each other as much and as long as possible. But I am not asking for any moral lessons or the sanctity of marriage, just am I unreasonable with my prenuptial financial plan?

Answer 1

I fully support the prenup agreement, especially for a later in life marriage or a marriage where one partner has more assests than the other. I suggest that you let your lawyers hash it out. What you listed sounds very reasonable to me. I see no reason why you should pay for her children's stuff. I also see no reason why she should be entitled to your savings. She is keeping her income and she should be able to save her own money. Like I said, let your lawyers work it out, they don't have to live together.

Answer 2

I understand your feelings however, I think your suggestion is off. I am a "professional woman" who makes around $60k a year. If and when I remarry, I would not mind a prenup under the following circumstances/guidelines:
1st - Prenup should state - what each had before marriage will stay that persons sole and separate property.
2nd - Any income after the date of the marriage - either parties - should be joint income.
3rd - Any property, etc. that comes in after the marriage is community property and shared if there is a divorce.
4th - Excluding her children and treating them as the neighbors' is wrong. How will she feel knowing that she can have anything and everything she wants (with you paying) and yet, her kids are second class citizens.
5th - If you have a prenup that protects your assets before the marriage, you won't have to worry about her taking 1/2 of your savings. Only that which you acquire after the marriage.
6th - I'd add in there some type of sliding scale so that if you all make it past milestones - i.e., 5 years, 10 years, etc. - that the percentage of assets splits more her way. Reason, you probably have a life insurance policy on yourself that has your kids/parents as primary beneficiaries, not her. She should be protected in some way for the future, especially if your income is some much more than hers.

Bottom line, you are being unreasonable.

Answer 3

I won't get "best answer" on this one. First of all just b/c youo divorced the first time does not mean you will do it again. But with that attitude you probably will. Let me tell you just b/c u make 10x what she does you should know by now that money can't buy happiness. Why not pay for her children. Remember when you marry this lady you are getting a"package" deal. When I married my hubby he was as much a father to my child as he was his own, maybe more she lived with us. I love and respect him for not only that but tons of other things but raising my daughter is s/t he did not have to do. He done it out of his love for me! He expected nothing in return. I don't agree with you , I feel like you should love this woman enough to know that it is going to work. That is the reason ppl divorce. They marry knowing that they CAN you marry for better or worse. I think if your going to have a pre nump that she is entitled to 50% of everything that the 2 of you earn , buy, loose what ever from the first day of the marriage to the end. I just hope that you do not have to use the pre nump.
Besides you are making 10x what she does , you already have enough and if you split what was earned while the 2 of you were married would not take you long to earn what you lost back.
Please treat her children as a part of the family, if you don't they will feel it and there will be probs if she loves her children.

Answer 4

Davidlee,
Personally I am glad that you are considering marriage! I just posted a question: Why do women "just" live with men. So...good for you.
Back to prenup! Surely you have savings, maybe some mutual funds, your pension and so on. Check the value of these assets and they are not to bargained with in the event of a dissolution of the marriage. Encourage your bride to secure her assets the same. I like your thoughts up until you say she can spend her money the way she wants. I think you are to both contribute to the well being of each other in all respects. Work jointly in a savings account. Build it together so that should you both move to a home that exceeds what she could have done independently she will feel part owner not like she lives in your home.
You are certainly not unreasonable with your prenup. And while I am here making what she is making and I were to be in her shoes...I would speak about the prenup before you would. I would not want to own what you had before me in the event we had to part. Talk with her.
(side note: If you had asked me this question 2 years ago...I would have flipped out). Maybe you can reduce the scenario down to her income and ask her if she was to marry a man with less than what she had saved and potentially get half her house...what would be her thoughts? Good luck!

Answer 5

I Understand fully what you are asking. My Fiance and I were both married before and when I divorced after 30 years of marriage, I was left with a sizeable income which I invested in Property and Stocks. He however owned a Boat and a Car and that was it. I did speak with a Lawyer about this and his comment to me was basically "What you came into the Marriage with, you take out of it" Your Spouse cannot Claim anything you had BEFORE you married but if you do not have a Prenup for the years you are married, He/She can claim 50% of any Money, Propertys, and even Retirement Funds. I Love my Fiance very much but I do not intend to go through another Divorce, so for now we are Both content to Live together. We have been Living together 6 years now and it works for us..

Answer 6

I have to agree with you totally, if your paying for all the living expenses, vacations etc etc etc and she is keeping 100% of her income during the course of the marriage to do with as she sees fit then she should have absolutely no legal claim on anything you have done or accumalated before or during or after the marriage.

I'm sorry to all you ladies, but lets face facts there are too many women that will chase after a man that is fairly well off with the intent of creating a higher social and financial status by marrying him. Only to turn around a few years later and divorce him taking half of everything when in fact she contributed nothing. I'm sorry but cleaning up the house and taking care of children that are not his does not constitute grounds for the woman to gain considerable financial means once she divorces him.

All he is doing is asking her to state in writing that she isn't a gold digger and that she wants him, not the money or things that he can provide her with.

If i were you, i would either just keep her as a live in girlfriend (And make sure your state does not have common law marriages before moving her in with you). Or flat out ask her to sign the pre-nup, if she signs it then you know her intentions are pure. If she goes running for the hills let out a huge sigh of relief as you have most likely avoided a gold digger. Don't let these people sway you into thinking if you love her you won't ask her to sign one, facts are facts most marriages end in the first 4 years.

I'd even go as far as making sure you have a will that states she gets nothing if you die, at least to start out with, after she's been with you awhile then sure go ahead and change it so that she gets what you want her to get. Don't go into marriage as a blind fool, if she doesn't like your terms, i guarantee you will find someone that you can love just as much that will agree to your terms.

Answer 7

I think that the conditions of the prenuptial is very fair indeed. I do understand your concern but if you both truly love each other and you know for a fact that she is not a gold digger, then I would say get married with a prenup. If she is a bonifide gold digger (make sure she does not get pregnant with your child), then you need to run as fast as you can. Since this is not your first marriage you are probably more careful in your choices. Best of luck.

Answer 8

You are a professional and have worked hard to accumulate your assets. You have the right to protect yourself financially.

Don't think the wife can get 50% of what you have totally, it's what you accummulate during the period of marriage and any appreciation of assets.

1. Primary mortgage? If you still have a house mortgage, you should ask her to pay a portion of it. Otherwise, why should she get any of the appreciation?
2. Common accounts: don't have any joint bank and credit card accounts so there is no comingling of funds and her debts are hers. File your income taxes separately.
3. Existing funds: you might set up a trust fund or investment funds and have some professional firms manage them
4. Be weary of gifts: in many of the cases presented to the People's Court, the defendents usually claim monies passed or loaned are gifts. So, your wife can claim what you allow her to keep are gifts but what she contributes entitles her to half.

I'd say given her income, if she is to come after you, it will be at least college funds for her kids. In 2006 dollars, typical amounts for 4 years of public college (plus room and board) is $130-150k.

Because of the lopsided ratio of your earnings, a good lawyer she hires can drag you out for a while. So you also need good legal protection.

Answer 9

Eh, If you marry the mom, you marry the kids. Pay for their 'luxuries'.....Can't fault a man for helping to produce an educated,well rounded person. They will benefit from it, you'll benefit from it(they'll never forget you for it) and you'll LOOK like the man you know you are.
Give the wife her income PLUS a personal spending limit out of your income. Better yet, make her a stay at home mom. America needs them BAD.(again....you all are producing future citizens)
Marriage goes down hill? That's where a pre-nup comes in legally...not DURING the marriage.
I do think you are unreasonable and selfish sounding with the 'during the marriage' financial arrangements. But the 'end' of the marriage? I believe she should walk with what you are offerring. I wouldn't even expect that. Especially if I had my own income.
Concerned about her 'draining' you while married? I have 2 accounts my hubby doesn't know about and we are LOWER middle class....I know YOU can afford a P.O. Box, you know what I mean?
Peace to you and good luck.
D

Answer 10

I am with the prenup agreement. But as for the not spending money on her children, you do realize that the children come as part of a package. I do feel you on not wanting to, but think about it. As for no money with divorce, it depends. If you have a child with her, I feel that you should at least support that child you made. And if you are the reason behind (i.e. adultery) you deserve to lose half. Other than that, I think you pretty much should protect yourself. A person should leave out of a marriage with as much as they came into it, unless they make money together or the other spouse committed adultery.