what to do?my husband family is still friends with his exgirl that he had an affair w/while married to me?

Question

we have been married for 20 yrs. during first 3 yrs my husband was still in contact with his exgirl (with the help of his family members). i left him at one point and within a week she had moved in and was living with him for about a month until we decided to try and make it work; i found out about 6 months ago that his family still speaks with her. matter of fact she is a close family friend. i am furious and very insecure about this. my husband does not think it is a big deal. it is causing a large problem in our relationship. i am even considering splitting up. i am tired of his family causing problems and i am tired of him not coming to my defense with them. he thinks i am being stupid to make a issue over this. am i?

Answer 1

He should take your concerns seriously. He should always back you up publicly, as you should back him up.

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to have anything to do with his ex. If his family chooses to socialize with her, besides his family being a bit insensitive to your feelings, does it really change anything in the relationship between you and your husband?

Good Luck!

Answer 2

No. I don't think you're being stupid but yes your making an issue over it... However, I think it's something to make an issue over! For 20 years, his family has remained in contact with this "other woman" behind your back and he's going to act like it doesn't matter?!?! I don't think so.

If he didn't care about this woman, he would understand how it might upset you.
If he was seriously just friends with this woman (even if you don't like them being friends), he wouldn't have hid it.
If it's not such a big deal, like he says - then why didn't he just tell you about it? Because he knew you would be upset BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

I think you need to keep your cool for now. This is the man that you chose to spend FOREVER with - through thick and thin. I would talk to a counselor and see where things go. If he/she thinks it would be best for your husband to come along then that's something you'll have to work out with your man. But for now, you need to vent to someone who can give you a professional answer and a healthy way to handle this situation and your marriage!

Best wishes!

Answer 3

Your problems with your husbands family should be handled by your husband, it's his family. He should stress to them how bothered you are so that you and he should be not included at a gathering where she is invited. You can't choose their friends, so your husband is right about it not being a big deal, just as they have no say in who you are friends with. However, you CAN choose when and how to socialize with them. You chose to take him back after the affair, even after he moved in with her, so you need to deal with the issues of your insecurities because you DID take him back. He's not coming to your defense because he thinks it really is no big deal, he has currently been with you for 17 years after the affair so you need to let it go and stop throwing it in his face if you want your marriage to work or you'll still be harping on it when you hit your golden anniversary.

Answer 4

You have to remember that he married you and not her and that 20 years is a long time to be married to someone.While I don't agree with cheating on your spouse, he did it 17 years ago so you can either forgive and forgive it already or move on without him. As much as you hate the fact that his family is still close to his ex, there is nothing that you can do about it. He can't control who his family associates with any more than you can so it is unfair of you to blame him for what they do. If his family and his ex are plotting to get you, you are feeding into them and allowing them to win every time you and your husband have spats over this. You need to sit down with you husband and calmly explain to him how this makes you feel. What ever you do, do not say things to attack his family or his ex because that will only lead to an argument.Instead of saying "Your family......." say something like "I feel.....". It is all about how you word things. How do you know that his ex hasn't moved on with a family of her own? I would hope that she would of given up on your husband years ago and got a life of her own.

Answer 5

You have no control over hus's family and who they are friends with. You have to live with it. But for them to have her at the house when you are there is an ultimate insult. Until this insult is placated by a sincere apology, the relationship is severed. No contact with minor grandkids, either.

You have good reason to be insecure about your husband's friends, however. I don't like handing down ultimatums, but he can't see her again, ever. And if you catch him, you can ask the girlfriend on what day is it most convenient for your husband to move in with her. Hotels are so expensive you know, since he's not living with you anymore. You need to know what day to schedule the movers.

You need to explain to him that ANY of your feelings are worth considering because they affect the whole family's life, and for him to brush off your feelings disrespects you profoundly.

Yes, I'm upset about this. No, it is not stupid. You cheated on me once with this lady, I'm not going to wait and watch it happen again. I want her out of our lives, period. And that is not a request.

Best wishes.

Answer 6

I was stayed friends with my ex boyfriends family for close to 23 years after he and I broke up! In fact his Mom was my best friend!! He was in a different city and married.
When I divorced & moved to TX and he had become a widow. His Mom could not wait ot get us together. We've now been married for 10.5 years
My point is even though his Mom & brothers and I stayed close he was not in the loop. When we got together he didn't even know I'd had a child!

Answer 7

I have to wonder why you're so insecure after TWENTY YEARS together.

You said you just found out six months ago but you're tired of his family causing problems. I think the real problem is not this woman but that he's never taken a stand for you and they have no respect for you.

Look, your husband has stayed with you for 20 years. Unless you really think he's cheating, he's yours, no matter who his family talks to. You can't change these people or him after all this time. You can only change yourself and your perspective. If you can't do that then maybe you need to get out of your marriage.

Answer 8

ask yourself

why are you still with him?
why do you need him?
why do you feel they way it is now?

If you answer YES to this question:
Would you be OK or better off without him?

then make the split, else you need to accept the fact that his family and him will be in close contact with the ex and you will have to life with it for the rest of your relationship. It will not go away no matter what happens.

Go to a place or friend who can help or leave town.

Answer 9

i'm unsure what you're stressful approximately. It feels like the excellent family contributors (or a minimum of adequate of you), understand her pastime. And, why do you nonetheless call her your BF???? She could have her very own subject concerns because of the fact of her upbringing, yet permit her understand that she does not could sleep with adult males, or harm a family contributors to get interest. You all enjoyed her in basic terms as she became and her present day habit is making it problematic which you would be able to proceed on doing so. I say kill her with kindness. The toddlers are not going away, so she would be able to constantly be around. you're able to attempt to brek up the marriage, in spite of the incontrovertible fact that it would in basic terms reason drama. I say seek for her out, permit her understand that this has to supply up and take a examine out to get her to alter her techniques. If she does, screw her and circulate on which incorporate your very own existence. Why waste anymore time on it???

Answer 10

i think that his family obviously likes her better than you. let him know that you are very hurt and what would he do if it was the other way around. Im pretty sure he will see things differently. I would even consider moving away from his family and specially her.Move to a different state. You will then really know if he loves you like he says he does. He will do whatever it takes to keep the marriage. Good luck..