deployed soldier who's wife of 14yrs now wants me out of the house. from luv ya to hate ya in 11 months. why

Question

I am a deployed soldier married for 14yrs with 3 children. As most people know a deployment can be hard on eveyone in the family. When I left it was hard. filled with hugs and kisses and promises of my return. Over the months things have changed dramatically for the worse. She won't say she wants a divorce or even say she doesn't love me anymore. Now with weeks left she wants to find me an apartment for when I come home. I have continued to send about 90% of my pay home for the kids, mortgage and all the other expenses. Before I left we thought for the kids sake it wouldn't be a good idea to take any leave. The whole I am home now,and then I have to leave again. That had already happened a couple of times between the MOB and we didn't want to put them through it again. I try and call every other day to talk to the kids, but the lines can be long. She does work full time. I just want to know if this makes any sense to anyone. She did have PPD with our first child. I am not a doctor.

Answer 1

I'm sorry this is happening to you....whatever her problem might be, perhaps just move to the apartment and then the two of you can seek counseling....hang in there buddy....just take one day at a time....take your leave..it may be tough on the kids when you have to pack and leave again but every moment counts..as long as they know how much you love them......take care...

Answer 2

First of all I do am sorry, now lets go to the basic of the problem, yes you are right,it's always hard for the family when one will go away,especially the kind of job that you do. Second its the wives that end up with all the responsabitlies,problems,and so on. Now you just said that you all have kids, answer this for me;did your wife had the chance to have this "post partum depression?" all women that had children do suffer this sign,not because we wanted to but because it happen after the birth of a child. You can call it illness but in a way it's not,this post partum do go away,it's luck of hormones and make women feel sad, unwanted, anger, empty and much more.
We do get this sometimes right after the birth,but most of the times it will not show for months or years. So instead of wondering why, why not understand it more,what she's been doing, she probably didn't know about this depression because she is so busy with the kids and her job. I say this because I am a miltary wife as well but navy. My husband was always gone 6-7 months per year,and we had 3 children,which I never had no help from anyone. I was so busy with my kids, and transfering to one port to another that when the post partum hit me,it hit me bad, I thought I was crazy,feeling sad,empty, not wanted all the time. and still I put my family first before my needs. Well Im ok now,just want to tell you what it might be thats the reason why she's acting this way,.......think about it,really think about it for the kids sake..

Answer 3

It's a harsh scenario. The fact that you've been in the army for such a long time means that your wife has probably had to simply get on with it and raising 3 kids is hard enough at the best of times but she's had to do it alone.

Can you honestly say that when you return you've supported the family and not had difficulty in doing so? It may be that this is where the problem lies. There may not be anyone else involved as previously suggested by others. It may be that you return home and try to be the "boss" when they've all managed perfectly well when you weren't there.

You need to talk it over with her and listen to what she has to say. You also need to accept what she tells you and not dismiss it just because it's not what you want to hear. if it turns out that the marriage is over, then you both need to put your own feelings aside and concentrate on the children. It won't be easy but it has to be done.
Hope this helps. Above all, stay calm.

Answer 4

I really feel sorry for you. I am a army spouse and my husband has been deployed for 24 months now.I have never once thought about another guy, but i have been lonely and tired and sick of doing it by myself.

i don't understand the whole 'find a apartment' thing.

i understand PPD,i had it with my son. its hard on a person and you think you are going crazy cause all this sh*t you have to do, plus then care for a kid!!! oh, yeah, i would suggest like everyone else, to talk to her.

or ask her to go to the dr for PPD , she also could be severely depressed, as those symptoms often get 'misdiagnosed ' and PPD gets thrown in as a answer. NO one wants to be depressed, and people look at you like you are crazy, but your just really sad andlonely.

If she really does make you move out, i would call your command or tell them when you get back to base. (usa) it might be that she is just anxious about you coming home and thinking that its going back to what it was, and she don't want that, or she wants you to help more.

I don't know if you live on or off post, but on post you can leave, or she can call the mps, either way, have a place close, so you can see your kids.

if you love her, stick with her. 14ys is alot to just toosss away

email me if you need to vent!

Answer 5

I'm so sorry this is happening. My husband was deployed to Kuwait for a year and it was a bit awkward the first month he came home. It wasn't that I was cheating or anything, I just got so used to doing what I wanted when I wanted. In time I got used to things again. I never even thought about him mot living with me. There are several wives that become attached to other men while their husbands are away, I hope this hasn't happened to you. I pray that things will cool down and be perfect for you and your family again. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be okay but I really don't know. Again I'm so sorry. If you want to talk, please e-mail me. [e-mail]

Answer 6

Being a solider serving abroad is a tremendous sacrifice on you and your family. It must be terribly difficult for her to be with 3 kids and living a single parent life -- especially if she has no outside support (like family, et al.) to give her a break from parenthood.

If she recently gave birth, it could be post-partum depression. You might suggest that she talk to her OB-GYN about it. (BTW, that is an ugly phase -- when all your hormones, after 9 plus months of building up inside you -- are evacuated within weeks. Can be very, very emotional.)

Marriage counseling is a great idea -- it certainly can't hurt. It sounds like you are both good people and parents but distance and life's circumstances have put a tremendous burden on your marriage. Make it a priority to sort that out when you are home. Good luck.

As with all our service people, come back safe and thank you for your sacrifice.

Answer 7

How reseptive are you to some 'actuality'..?

Being an intermittant 'family' member to 3 kids, a wife, and THERE ways of liveing and copeing and getting by without your involvement ..[other than the financual and phone lines..] raises some logistical issues for both you and her..

At the moment, you are trying to understand / resist 'HER' decision to try 'HER' own method of raising 'HER' kids as a more or less singel mom...she DOES NOT seem bent on alienateing you from them...just, trying to keep them under HER parental influence ..
...your 'job' and carear dont make raiseing 3 kids a very 'normal' undertakeing..and you becoming a 'contestant' with HER choices and decisions trying to raise them wont help the situation one bit.
... copitulate ... surender to her choice of household management styles... she has dam sure copitulated many times across the last 14 years of your merriage...it's your turn to learn how REALY difficult doing 'that' was...

...secondly...doing this HER 'way' now, will give her a better appreciation of your confidence in HER parental efforts , AND she will feel better acknowledged as the 'head of house-HOLDER'...
something you have only been a visitor and intermitant partisipant too / IN..

...this isnt the end of your relationship with her, or your kids...it's an unorthodox method / means of copeing, that to HER seems important and necessary. Get off your self-immage of being a necessity , and try it her way this time.

...or... NOT.....!! .. .. ..who knows,...maybe being shovenistic and controleing and insecure will bring her around to your way of thinking.

But then, what the heck do i know...divorces litter my journey...i never surendered one wit of controle to a woman in my life.

by the way,..This same 'issue' comes up in theripy groups and counseling sessions with vets at the VA so frequently that it has been given it's own time slot in the programs. What i just sugested to you is deduced as an option that HINDSIGHT seems to indicate had a probability of good to excelent odds of reaching a conclusion that would have worked out less tramatic had it been deployed.. .. it is not advice. It's just an option that has been 'wished' by vet's who did things the way you are trying to them at the moment..

take it for what it's worth...

Answer 8

First thing I'd realize there is NO way you can know for sure unless you discuss it directly with her. Second thing is that I would demand to talk about it with a counselor present (not just the 2 of you) since with an objective party present, she is more likely to feel safer to discuss it (whatever the reasons are) and less likely to lie about it (since the objective counselor could see through potential lies better than the people emotionally involved). Otherwise you will just keep guessing and guessing and thinking of a hundred reasons and they may all be wrong.

Answer 9

It doesn't have anything to do with PPD dude. Its got to do with the old saying of when the cats away the mice will play. This broad has no respect for you or what you do. Keep sending your kids the support they need, keep your mind on the tasks in front of you, be safe and claim stress disorder when you get back home and knock the sh*t out of her

Answer 10

My hubby is in the service as well, and i no how it feels to be away from my hubby all the time, he leaves for a year here and there sometimes just a month or two, i hate it, but i know it's part of his job, but i do no how she is feeling, i have never reacted on these feelings but seems she is, seems to me, she is feeling lonley and tired of being alone ....sometimes i would think to myself, if i wanted to be a single parent i would of stayed single or if he's not gonna be here i might as well kick his butt out and then i don't have to worry about him and feel so alone, that may be all the things she is feeling, but i never would kick him out over his job, she needs to realize this is your job and your doing this for your family and you don't want to be gone all the time, the best thing to do is once you finally get to talk to her find out why she is doing this?..tell her you know this is hard and you don't want to be gone but you have to be, your doing it for her and the kids...she needs to explain to the kids that this is your job, my kids hate when there dad has to leave but they no the army is his job and he doesnt' want to leave us but he has to, and there so proud of him..she may have ppd....or it could just be that she is lonely and sick of you being gone....after this deployment is over and your back she may realize she was just acting this way out of anger for you being gone, communication is the key to a good relatinship, she needs to talk this out with you, try to get her to open up,....good luck with this