I need some serious answers on a situation please.?

Question

My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage. Their mother is now in her 3rd marriage. She married a very wealthy man which is a major contrast from what she came from (rags to riches). Her present husband is a very overbarring, controlling business man that wants his house in tip top shape. She never lays a hand to help because she claims she has a back injury which I don't buy since she plays volleyball and goes swimming in their huge pool.

The problem that has come up is that the oldest child was taking on all the responsibility of making sure the house(huge $350, 000 house) is neat and orderly before the adults came home. If 1 of his younger sisters didn't cooperate than he got in trouble for it. He would have privledges removed, couldn't go out be with friends and so on. He would always get on his sisters to make sure their homework was done, cook dinners and so on. He is only 17 and has had these responsibilities for quite a few years now.

He finally snapped and ran away to live with me and his dad. I've called a meeting with his mom and step dad and I'm not sure what to say. I have concerns about him going to my school district because it would be like sending a kid from Beverly Hills to Queens NY. He just wouldn't know how to handle it. We're hoping she will let us use her address for residency so he can finish his last yr of school at his high school. Some how I doubt she will cooperate because she's being bull headed already. What do you suggest I could do to help this poor rich kid.

For the 1st response.....I am NOT jealous. I wouldn't live in her shoes no matter how much he makes. This question is brought up because I am at a loss for word on how to present issues to her and her husband on how to help him.

Thank you to those of you reading this as more than the poor little rich kid story. Their lives aren't all it's cracked up to be either. This boy has never had a childhood. He was given the responsibilities of a parent as soon as he was able to lift a spoon to feed his sisters.

He has a part time job by his mother, is the camera director at his church and plays volleyball on Sundays with his family at a gym with other families.

Answer 1

One . . . you usually cannot depend on an ex for anything, not even the address for residency. Don't even try. It is usually (okay, not always . . . but usually) a waste of time. Besides, the fact that he doesn't live there could be reported to the school district by someone else, nosy neighbor, etc. I've seen it done before.

Two . . . the child (and maybe the others too) may be better off living with you and your husband. He needs to consult an attorney about custody issues.

Three . . . Unless you can work it out with the school district to let your child finish at his former school (and yes, there may be a fee for that), you will have to try letting the child go to your local school. Yes, it will be a huge adjustment. But adjusting is a part of life, a learning experience. Help him with adjusting as much as you possibly can.

And as other respondents said, try to let your hubby and his ex (or their attorneys) work it out as much as possible. Let hubby be the mouthpiece. Things will go more easily, if stepparents stay out of any negotiating as much as possible.

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Hi Sounds like you have a very serious situation on your hand's. I wouldn't pay any attention to the moron's who say you are jealous. They are probable bitter themselves. To me it sound's like your looking in the best interest of the child and I commend you for that. He should be of legal age to decide in the court's system if he would like to stay with you so that shouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't worry about a teen getting along as you put it going from a prissy school to a NY dump cause teen's get along in different situation's and I'm sure he can handle the situation. Specially if he has all that responsibility. A talk with the other parents probable won't do any good though if that is their way's you won't change it. I hope thing's work out well for you and good luck. Don't pay any mind to those who say your jealous cause they don't know you. People just like insult on here for their own pleasure. They don't have a life so they have to do something. Your doing the right thing looking out for the young man. He is lucky to have you. Sound's like your a great step-mom.

Answer 3

This situation could go in many directions. He is being responsible which will help him in the long run for when he gets out on his own. He is also learning discipline and how to care and cook etc. for himself and his younger siblings for when he has his own family. He may not be treated fairly at this point in time but you cannot look at things negatively because sometimes they cannot be changed. He's learning from what he is responsible for. Many kids his age don't know how to do half of what he does. Agree? Tell your step-son that he is being a great role model to his siblings and they will, more than likely, be there for him as they grow older. Positive thinking - it's so hard to do and I have to remind myself each day of it also. I also have to remember that kids need more support now than ever.....come right out and tell your step-son that you notice his efforts and you and your husband are proud of him (actually your husband would be the better person to say something to him). Support and acknowledge the postive aspect of the situation.

Answer 4

I think it is great that you are concerned about your step-children. However..........Your husband needs to be the one "doing the talking" in a situation like this. Make sure HE is the one to start the conversation and air his concerns over the treatment of his children. (I too, have a step-daughter that is used as a live-in nanny and housekeeper by her mother. Her mother hires nanny's and housekeepers, but fires them quickly because "her man" is also living in the house and she can't trust him apparently). At your step-son's age, he could go to court and request a change of custody and the judge would listen to his request. At the age of 14 kids have a say in where they want to live. Are all of his extra chores causing stress that is preventing him from accelerating in his studies at school? That alone would be "ammunition" in his defense. If you step-son really is miserable, he will adjust to his new school better than you give him credit for.

Have your husband and his ex sign a "contract" with their son that says what his REASONABLE responsibilities will be. That way, everyone knows how everyone feels, and everyone is accountable in the happiness of the all the children. Some parents do take advantage of older children, and forget to be parents. I think it is great that you are at least trying to opens lines of communication between the two households. Just keep yourself out of it and let your husband deal with his ex and the decisions about the children.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

So the Eldest son of hour husbands ex is not treated like a family member but servant . that if does not do the duties his facilties are withdrawn , or salary cut and yet he can not snap the ties with Mother because there is not House to live, no roof to protect

this is happening with the knowledge of the MOTHER. who gave birth to him ..

I feel that the mother who broke with your husband , is interested in her enjoyment.. (obvious she married a wealthy man and enjoys only volleyball and swmming.)

This also points to the fact she is not aware of her duties to her children. She is not capable to use the opportunity to nourish the children with care and love but is simply bathing in the Glory of her husband.. who is making her happy with luxury.. and she must keep him happy by maintaining her own shape.(the obvious interest in swimming ). so that both have great time in Bed...

apart from this She must have big Grudge against her Ex husband and Your present husband. She is settling the account by treating them such that when your husband hears this or knows this , will feel helpless as he would love his own child to be nourished but can do nothing. this will show on his health and his performance in office , home and in bed.

if boy can sue the mother for cruelty for not taking enough care. if your law permits that action . consult the legal expert.

if boy is of legal age where he can consent. then you can support him for his stay and study..

tale some action ..and do it fast

you may have to loose some of your time and money but that woman will set all right ..

Answer 6

I just wanted to say that he is 17 years old ...it is good that he can turn to you ..you can definitely give your support and act as a mediator...he is almost legal so he will be able to do as he chooses soon, like someone else said it is not such a bad thing to have allot of responsibilities as this will surely make him a better person ...as for him getting in trouble for something his siblings have done or not done ..well the parents needs to open there eyes up ..he is 17 and he should be treated as a young adult. It really don't sound that bad of a situation...

Answer 7

Wow...that brings up memories that i hate to remember. That poor kid. Well he is old enough to decide where he wants to live, and maybe a conversation with the school providing that transportation is privately provided would help to not disrupt his schooling.
what about the other children?
and i applaud you as a step mother, there is a thing called char-ma and people like you benefit from it.

Answer 8

Your husband should be the one handling this situation since he is actually the boy's parent and you are the step parent. From personal experience I can tell you that no one likes for a step parent to try to "take over". I have had to tell my children's father on several occassions that I had our children with him not his wife and I request to deal with him when a situation arises. I understand she wants to be involved and I have no problem with that but I do have a problem with her trying to take over and he sitting back and letting her. The situation might come out better if your husband handles this and you beside him, being supportive of him.

Answer 9

Just be there to support him...he's almost 18 and can move on with his life soon, that is if he wants to leave the other siblings to take his place...I fear this will inevitably happen....He needs to know that someone loves and appreciates him...it sounds like you do....just keep encouraging him and showing him the love and appreciation he needs..If you are a Christian, pray for him....God can help him get through this....the Bible says that God won't give us anything we can't handle....it also says that in our weakness He is strong....Trials are things we go through that show us how much we need to depend on God for all of our needs....Your prayers and encouragement are the 2 most important things you can do to help him through.

Answer 10

I am assuming that he lives with his mother full time? Is it affecting his school or job or anything? Could he move in with you guys? If that is not legally possible now he will be able to at 18. And I would not want to suggest him to be disrespectful, but my suggestion might be for him to stand up to his mother. He may even need his dad and you there when it happens.