rate this poem on the scale of 1-10 (along with ur opinions if any ammendments r 2 b made)?

Question

in the night dark and quiet
a girl tries to scream with all her might
crying for help,her throat goes dry
but no one listens,despite her tone high
closer he steps
her rumbustious voice continues to reverberate
she is alone,yet shows a bold strife
alas!the cruel shows the cruelty and she loses the meaning of her life
now the pains nibble away at the girl
ever so cheerful and voluble
eachtime she remembers that dark day
she has only one thing to say
"Being a girl is a curse,
for they have to always face the worse."

its just a poem with no such personal experience
i too would never want to be a guy !

Answer 1

I'll give you a ( 6 )
Pretty good poem.

Answer 2

Well, its good, but maybe a few suggestions?

Well, I'm sure you know this, but you must always capitalize in the beginning of a sentence. I'm not trying to say you're dumb, just letting you know. Many people in the "Poetry" section make this mistake lol

Also, since you already have punctuation in the end, I think you should add it in all the way through your poem. (like commas and periods). They will help guide the reader through your poem, let them know when they can take a breather, and just all around make your poem better.

Example (I will do half of your poem):

In the night dark and quiet,
a girl tries to scream with all her might.
Crying for help, her throat goes dry,
but no on listens, despite her tone high.
Closer he steps.
Her rumbustious voice contains to reverberate,
she is alone, yet shows a bold strife.
Alas! The cruel shows the cruelty and she loses the meaning of her life.
etc. etc......

See how the commas and periods help the poem?

Also, I would switch some of your words around. This is how I would write it, (the changes are in caps)

In the QUIET and DARK NIGHT,
a girl ATTEMPTS to scream with all her might.
Crying for help, her throat goes dry,
but no one listens, despite her HIGH tone.
EVEN closer he steps.
Her rumbustious voice continues to reverberate,
she is alone, yet shows a bold strife.

etc. etc.

Now, the line, "Her rumbustious voice continues to reverberate" sorta breaks the flow... since you have those two large words... The beginning of your poem doesn't have all those large-vocaby words lol So when you come to this line, you're like, "woah!" So, I would just choose a maybe more simple word choice for that line.

Please don't take my words as negativity... its just simple advice. But, always do what YOU think is best.

Without the changes I suggested (the orginal) I would rate it a: 6.5

With the changes: 7.5 to 8

keep writing,

運命

Answer 3

6

Answer 4

Rumbustious: uncontrollably exuberant
Exuberant: joyously unrestrained or excited

Why would you say that a girl screaming with all her might, crying for help, would be "uncontrollably unrestrained in her joy"?

Strife: heated dissention, struggle, fight

How does one show a "bold strife"?

How does "the cruel" show "the cruelty"?

I appreciate your use of sophisticated language, but you need to be careful when using a thesaurus, or your word choices will confuse, not enlighten or enhance.

Also, "crying for help, her throat goes dry"...
try, "hollow cries from a throat already gone dry", or something like that. Don't "tell", "show", "imply" or "expand" the image with your use and choice of words.

Your subject is a good one, your attempted use of sophisticated language is admirable, but you need to clean up the ragged edges. You have the potential of a good poem here, just do some editing.

Answer 5

Its got a deep mysterious tone to it. You can feel the tension as for being a girl well one things for sure I wouldnt want to be a boy lol!! Great job on the poem!! Keep Writting!!!

Answer 6

Actually, being a songwriter myself, it's not too bad..but you blow it on the last 2 lines.Your exit line should have more punch.. like, "Will I awake from this nightmare
will I ever have peace
I'm a woman in pain
will my cries ever cease
(just off the top of my head, but...) I would have given you a rating of about 8 but for those last 2 lines

Answer 7

I think trying to make the poem rhyme is getting in your way. To me, it's important to make the language natural in the confines of the rhyme and it doesn't sound natural to say 'her tone high'. Ordinarily you'd say, 'her high tone' and you might not use 'high' in that case. but rather her shriek or her shout or something else I haven't thought of.

I don't know what 'bold strife' means--if you're just using 'strife' to rhyme with 'life' (as it seems) I'd find something better.

You use 'shows' in 2 lines in a row. In a short poem like this, I'd try to replace one of them.

You use almost no punctuation, but use somewhat archaic words like 'alas' and 'rumbustious'. This seems inconsistent.

You only make one reference to the shadowy 'he'--I'd like him to have more shape and substance.

Keep writing, keep revising--you'll get better and better.

No grade from me--I don't like numbers. :-)

Answer 8

great lines specially the last two lines. 9 out of 10

Answer 9

Your poem is good,
It gave me wood.
It is so deep,
now I can sleep.

"The cruel shows the cruelty?" What did you expect if they are cruel?

Answer 10

I love your poem and you should read the poems I have put on this sight. I have written 3 in the last 2 days. please tell me what you think and IM me sometime