How do you find the strength to move on after a divorce? I was married for 14 years and for 11 years, our?

Question

was a struggle. We finally divorced and while I'm trying to live the "single" life, it's killing me. I don't eat, I've lost 20 lbs in the last year and all these men I party with leave me feeling empty. I recently found out my ex is dating now and it's killing me. I just don't know what to do and how to pick up the pieces. I don't want to live the single life, I really don't...I really want someone there to care about and worry about. What do you do??

Answer 1

There is a lot of good advice here. Whatever you do, you need to break out of the routine that characterized your married life. Don't go strictly for the "single life" as all that does for some people is to depress them even more. I went through the same thing following my first divorce as a very young man. We were only married for 2 years and after the divorce, all I did was dwelled on the things I could have done differently. I tended to remember the good times and gloss over (mentally) the bad times. She insisted it was all my fault and I kept blaming myself. Anyway, I started night school and got my mind on other things. As time went by and I made new friends, the pain went away. I met my soul mate and I've been married for almost 30 years. Meanwhile, my ex-spouse has been married 5 times. I guess time proved to me who was at fault for the failure of my marriage.

Answer 2

I was in your shoes not long ago and know what you are going through. First, I'm so sorry for your divorce. I got a divorce after 16 years, so I can relate. I can tell you what I did.

First, take each day one at a time. Think to yourself that each day was better than the last.

Second, do not concern yourself with what your ex is or is not doing. Focus on moving forward. Keep looking ahead.

Third, get some counseling. Over 90% of second (or third) marriages fail because you have not come to grips with the problems from the last marriage. I know that counseling helped me a great deal.

Fourth, I have heard that the "Divorce Recovery" program is very good. I went one time and it did not do much for me (perhaps I really didn't give it a chance), but several other people swear by it.

Finally, stop "partying" with friends. If you really want to meet a great guy, meeting up with drinks in your hands is not the way to do it. What kind of guy do you want? What qualities are you looking for? Be picky. Your last couple of sentences sound like you are paniking. This will certainly cause you to jump at the first guy who shows any interest in you. Believe me, there will be many guys who will say just about anything to get you to their place. Do not compromise yourself.

There is a lot more I can tell you, but that should be a good start. Let me know if you need any more advise.

Answer 3

Wheather u r a man or woman...if you WANT to be married then you must know this .. THEY r YOUR other half ... If u cannot treat them as so...you need to be SINGLE..... Marriage is not co dependancy...It is a word some doctors use to help you get over it and throw the blame off on to the former spouse. They send u on your way and say you r ok ...HELLO ...you r never ok after a divorce. If you cannot accept what you did to ruin your marriage you will never get it right... Take those little things and throw them out the door... Don't make them issues... PICK n CHOOSE your battles. Marriage is a partnership...from talking about issues to useing the bathroom.... If you cannot accept this as your life WILL be in the toilet .....IF and only IF you WANT to be married... It takes a great repect for each other while both fufill thier own needs. You MUST want to fill your other 1/2s needs ALSO.. IT TAKES WORK So look at it like a job and take a break when needed w/trust your other 1/2 should understand. If they never want to LEAVE GOOD LUCK......

Answer 4

I hear you because I am dealing with a similar issue all though we are not separated just yet but we will be soon. I love my husband but his infidelity drove me to make this decision. I found out he had held a relationship with another woman for 2 1/2 years and I am not looking forward to the whole dating thing but I am young and I know I wont be able to be alone for long. But to answer your question I feel that you just have to date many diffrent people , without getting serious with anyone, at least not right away give yourself time to heal, how else are you suppose to find the ONE again. One thing I have learned that nothing seems to be for ever. you must find a way to go on. Just don't bring your dates around children if you have them unless you are very serious like engaged. This is advise I would give myself. And make this time about what you want learn to love yourself first. Don't' settle for anyone who is not what you want or you will end up feeling even more empty.

Answer 5

Breaking up is a very pain full experience. I would seek professional help if I found that my quality of life is not what it should be because I'm suffering from a pain full experience. I think its important to heal first, so that we can make the right choices about who we let into our lives. Being in a weak and vulnerable spot in our lives can be very dangerous because we are more susceptible to having the wrong people in our lives and that only brings us down more. What is dangerous about it, is we don't realize it. When one doesn't think clearly one doesn't see clearly.Give your self time to heal and take care of your self first. Be good to your self, pamper your self. Loneliness is a terrible and pain full feeling. There is no magic formula for heart break. You just have to feel your feelings and walk through the pain to get to the other side. One you overcome this pain you will become a stronger person.

Answer 6

I totally empathize with you.I was married for 14 years and my spouse had an affair she refused to end so I moved her out of the house and kept the kids and tried to make it as normal as possible for the kids.I didn't realize how miserable I was in my marriage till she was gone but the loneliness and self loathing I experienced was far outweighing any emotional relief I felt for being out of the marriage.I dated a few times and was still uncomfortable to date someone else although I longed not to be alone.
I eventually after 2 years met a spectacular woman whom I married a year later and I must say that for all the terrible grief the end result was worth every minute of it.I wouldn't volunteer to go through it again but believe me it will get better.My friends told me it would get better and I couldn't see my heartache subsiding but I must admit they were right.Look to your friends and family for support they are a life saver.
I hope this helps and good luck

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear about your pain. Obviously neither or one of you was not happy in the marriage so it ended. Think of it as a positive thing and now you have a chance to find that special someone who you can share your life with. Unless you have children, it's best not to keep in touch with the ex. It only means pain. Ignore him and whatever he is doing or whoever he is dating. Concentrate on yourself. If you hate the single life, go do something you like and you will most likely meet the person who has the same interests as you. Don't act desperate. It will come to you naturally. Good luck.

Answer 8

You've got to stop being "borderline" co-dependent and focus on yourself. If you want to be in a good, healthy relationship, you must first regain your independence - independence of character and mind. This means doing things for yourself that are healthy (exercising, reading, travel) and that encourage self-growth. Every time that you start to feel lonely or lost, get up and go do something. Go for a run. Go for a hike. Force yourself. Go to a gourmet grocery store and buy some fun new foods to try. Go shopping. Are you still living in the same place or town that you lived in with your X? Well, go on a trip! You'd be amazed at what good company you are to yourself. Are you interested in say... learning Italian? Go to Italy and enroll in some immersion classes there.

What I am telling you is that you are not the sum of who you are with. You are as valuable as YOU make yourself to be. Once you get busy focusing upon what you want to learn, hear, eat, read, do, see, experience, etc. you will attract men of similar substance. But, you've got to give yourself a break and concentrate on making yourself happy first. Good luck.

Answer 9

Find yourself hobbies. Seriously.
If the guys you find at parties are not the type of guys you want to know, then don't go party with them.
Take some sort of interesting workshop class offered in a local paper or college, and find a connection with one of the people that are also learning something new. Pottery, Art, cooking, computers, nature walks, kayaking etc.
I think you're feeling hollow because you have no connection with these guys. Try to meet guys who are friends first, and then see if any of them are worth taking to the next step.

I've met the nicest sweetest guys at what I consider to be "geek clubs". SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms - its a club that dresses in periodic clothing and puts on faires like renaissance types ), Sci-fi fan clubs, fantasy fan clubs, etc.
This is where a LOT of sincerely nice guys are hiding. :P

Also if you are of a religious inclination, I hear pot lucks and church socials occasionally have a few kindred spirits.

Answer 10

Honey if you were not so rude to your wife and you were a pleasure to her ...Ask her out be nice etc... U would click... you keep ignoring her and she will take it as a sign of rejection.. U r always saying rude horrible things to her so she just doesn't want to see or hear you anymore... YOU r mean to her...... U should watch the anger you display around her b/c frankly you have probably totally ruined it w/ her ..Shes at the point of totally moving on ... She has in her mind walked away so if what u say is true u should do the things that is important to her{not u} then the rewards will be you will get what you need to keep YOU happy ...I know U r not STUPID and stubborn is deadning.....You will need to humble yourself now cause shes almost really happy now... She has accepted after looseing everything.... U don't have much time now .... If any so get going ..... If you have met someone you think you like real well... I would suggest.u give up on your wife.... Woman r not like men ...When they give up they really GO ... They are done when its over...in thier heads...