Marriage problem, please help?

Question

I have been married for 10yrs and have 2 amazing kids. My husband is an ok bloke but although i love him its in a brother type way. He is a miserable **** to live with and he does nothing for me sexually. There are only 2 reasons I am still with him. 1) he is an amazing dad, 2) He hasnt done anything so terribly awful that i feel i could hurt him by divorcing him.
Now the real problem. I have a male friend whom I have known for 15yrs, he keeps in touch by email and txt but he came to visit this weekend and we ended up kissing and fondling each other and ive gotta say it was great. Its a known fact to me that he loves me, but he has kept his distance cos im married. I think im really falling for him and dont know what to do, he is willing to give up everything for me to be together and I have no idea where to turn. Any good advice please? And yes i know what im doing is wrong but it feels so right and at 29yrs old its the first time a man has really made me tingle.
Please help.

Answer 1

bugger off with this new man. You only live once go get happiness. What u aint doing is wrong...its called living, You have a life. Be happy chick and be with this new man!!!

Answer 2

You married really young.
And you sound a lot like me! LOL... You should answer my question too...
Not sure I want to be with him, but he hasn't done anything really horrible, should I suck it up and "make the best of it"?

I don't know... and maybe I'm answering my own question here. You get one life, babe. Try to make the best decisions for it. Try to live a life you'd be proud of. I wouldn't necessarily leave your husband "for" this other guy-- that puts too much pressure on him (and you). But, maybe he's serving some purpose for helping you see what you could be having?

Thing is, of course, that excitement fades for everyone. Sex shouldn't come to a standstill, but those butterflies and whatnot are going to quiet down, no matter who you're with. You can't really compare a new relationship to a 10-year-marriage; it's like apples and oranges.

So, I'd look at your marriage independent of this other guy. Pretend he doesn't exist. Now, can you see yourself with your husband for the rest of your life? Are you happy enough with him? There will be ups and downs to any relationship, so look at the big picture. Do you generally feel upbeat and enjoy one another's company? Does he make you feel cherished?

If you feel that so much is lacking and you've really made an effort to get it there over the 10 years time, then I think separating might be a good idea. I would put this other guy on the backburner for a while (even though that might sound impossible) and figure out if your marriage is worth saving or not.

You won't be able to sit on the fence for long, you know this. And the longer you sit there (and keep this other guy in the picture), the more chance of your husband finding out. This might simplify things immensely!

Answer 3

Oh dear, do you realise now you married toooooo young. The should pass a law that you can't officially marry until you are 30. Hey, that's next year for you. See you would just be about ready.

I don't agree with cheating and what you are feeling now is what you should have been doing in your teens instead of getting married at 19. I wasn't too far behind you and when I was 30 I wanted to be 18 again, but I like you had 2 children and responsibilities but was bored. Luckily I ended up staying with my wife but it took a long long time before everything finally sorted itself out.

Looking back the right thing to have done would have been to have left her and get on with her life as I did end up cheating on her. We were lucky and sorted everything out and no way would I cheat on her again.

I wouldn't normally say this but I think you need to follow your heart. I can see this is not a flash in the pan as most affairs are, but you have known this guy for a very long time. If there is nothing that you can do with your husband then there is no point in being together, sad as it maybe but before you do anything you need to tell your husband that he is miserable and doesn't do anything for you sexually, and find the root of the problem.

The root of the problem could be that you married too young, had kids too young, and are pining for the things you couldn't do when you was younger. That would be similar to me. It is then easy to find fault and make excuses and just remember that seeing someone on the side, whether sexually or not, is not real life as you don't live with that peron and therefore don't have the day to day problems that relationships can cause.

I wish you luck. You and your husband are both young enough to start again, either with each other, or with someone else.

Answer 4

Look, miss, you have got to think about your children, are you willing to throw away their lives and yours, just for some flash in a pan?

You say you've known this man for 15 years, but long distance relationships have a bad way of not working out in real life. (They can, if both partners are forgiving enough...) but you have to realize that he may be, in fact a *very different person*, than the parts of him you have seen so far. You've probably fallen for the impossible, *idealized version* of him, you've never had to deal with the day to day problems of actually living with him......

This other man can't honestly expect that you'll give up your marriage, your children, and your self respect, and then everything will just be a right as rain between you afterward....

The only decent thing to do, is to fess up; be totally honest with your husband about the whole situation. And in the meantime, never see this other man again.

Or have you totally forgotten the promises you made to your husband on your wedding day?

Ask your husband what he *really wants* out of the relationship. With luck, he may realize that he really has to get his act together, if he expects you to stay around; he can't keep taking you for granted.

Worse case scenario, is your husband wants a divorce order. That's the only place you're headed right now if you don't do something........... At least that way, you can put the ball in his court, avoid some of the custody and monetary issues, and at the same time keep a modicum of your self respect....Not to mention actually behaving like a mature civilized adult.

Good luck,
~W.O.M.B.A.T.

Answer 5

Ask yourself some questions 1) do you want to be on Yahoo Answers in 10 years telling everyone you are in a dreadful marriage 2) do you want your children to grow up in an atmosphere of disdain and lack of interest 3) do you see yourself with your current partner in 10 years time.

I believe you really are at the end of the road in this marriage and although I don't condone what you did with your friend, it is understandable. You are far too young to be without romance and sexual love for the rest of your life. However, if you do leave, I don't think you should even consider bringing another man into the equation for a long, long time. It isn't fair on your children for a start. The situation will be that you will probably end up with the children on your own and will have to help them adjust and put your energies into that before you can think of yourself. If their father is so great then he will continue to be a good father whether he lives with them or not. I assume that he will have them to stay at weekends and things and that is the time you should have your life. It sounds harsh but your children's well being has to come first. I hope you have the courage to do the right thing.

Answer 6

Oh dear.
Could that be a mid life crisis? Why don't you try a bit harder with your husband first.
Maybe you should go on holiday, just the two of you, and see if you could rekindle the passion?
Surely you had feelings for him when you first married him?
You didn't have two children by accident did you?
Before making such a life changing decision, meaning your husband won't be able to see his two children as he'd want to and vice versa, also, you know what you leave behind, but you don't know what is lying ahead?
So, try a bit harder for the sake of your family.
Be fair. This guy has waited very long, a bit longer won't kill him. At least you'll know that you've made the right decision.
Good luck.
I'm not judging you. I do understand. But parting children from their dad is really tough. This much I know.xxx

Answer 7

This is a precarious situation. Even if you're husband hasn't done anything for you to divorce him (drugs, beating you) you're going to wind up hurting him beyond words. People change, I get that. If you want to be with the other guy, you first need to end your marriage. It's going to be painful, it's going to probably end badly, but if you aren't happy and life is too short, you need to get out. I don't recommend cheating, that just looks bad on you, and it would hurt everyone, even your kids. Just talk to your husband, he doesn't have to know about your friend since how you feel was going on long before. Just tell him how unhappy you are and that you can't go this way anymore. It's not going to be easy, but then nothing ever is. Good luck.

Answer 8

Fred my love i agree with KC- having done that been there got the tee shirt etc. Divorce is bitter and painful and it hurts everyone. You married for better or for worse and there are ways of putting this marriage back on track (all men are miserable so and so's)- you could start by seeking help from relate. However, it sounds like you have decided what you want. Just remember the excitement wears off.

Answer 9

Why are you called Fred if you are a woman? I think what you are doing is wrong. Maybe I am narrow minded but when you married him you thought you loved him. You promised to love, honour and obey (maybe not obey) but you are dishonouring him by your actions. You are 29 and are acting as if you are a teenager. You are now a married woman with responsibilities. You have no right to hurt a man who loves you and has done no wrong. By having an affair with someone else you are not only going to hurt your husband but your children, your in -laws and maybe your own family. I am not like the others on here I would not condone your actions at all. Grow up and be responsible. If you have made a mistake...sorry but you have to live it!! I hope you see sense and realise what you are doing is completely wrong ...don't hurt your family but acting like this. The guy needs a kick up his pants for even daring to look at a married woman with children. By saying "it feels right"! you are making excuses for yourself to go ahead and behave badly....sorry not good enough!!!!! Marriage is for keeps...its not a game you know!¬!!

Answer 10

He should still keep his distance because you're still married. What if you don't like him in 10 years? You chose your husband that you're with now so make the best of it. The grass isn't greener on the other side all the time. He's gonna make you tingle cause you don't have that in your marriage at all, you say. You found someone that's paying some attention to you, and you like it. It's no reason to do what you're doing. You first need to talk with your husband and see what y'all can work out...

Answer 11

First of all if you are not in love with your husband then your hurting him anyway and then knowing that your falling for someone else makes things even more complicated , if I were you I would talk to your husband and see if I could get him to understand how you feel and let him know that you are very unhappy in your marriage , let him know that maybe your just growing out of the relationship , and that maybe your thinking about moving on . good luck to you both.