How can I get rid of my own stifling emotional dependence ?

Question

I have a huge tendency to depend, engage or 'lock' my hard, heavy and deep personal feelings to someone or something else until it suffocates that person emotionally... until that person could avoid and get rid of me due to my own stifling emotional dependence.
For instance; I have the tendency to fall in love (yes, fall in love... so sick of it) to someone who treats me gentle, nice and kind. And if that person doesn't have any kind of love for me - only just simply being kind and nice - I could get so frustrated, depressed and projecting my stifling emotional dependency to that person until he has emotional drained afterall.
Why I am like that?
How can I get rid and cure this kind of emotional illness?

Okay I am a gay. And my parents abandoned and neglected me all my life. They didn't xant me.
And often after I had sex with a guy and he treated me so gentle and kind on bed, I tend to fall in love so bad with that person. That's sucks, because he didn't even have any love for me. He just treated me kind and gentle on bed because the is simply kind and gentle NOT because he loves me. Am I an idiot or blind person? Why I fall in love so easily, blindly and stupidly like this?
I am not happy to be myself.

Answer 1

I hear you all to well my friend. I let a very dear frienship fall apart over my emotional problems, and I have regrets about how differently I could have done it everyday.
I think you've already made some progress by picking apart your brain and realizing that you have a problem - an emotional dependence that drains the other person in the relationship to point where they just give up on you.
When you don't feel as if your emtional needs are being met, you go into self-destruct mode and tear apart your relationships. I understand because I've been there too.
I think it's great that you understand that. It's the first step to recovery. My friend, the only person that can help you now is yourself. There's no precise formula to stop being emotionally dependent. If you realize what you're doing, then you can catch yourself doing that, and stop instantly. One thing I've had a problem with is that when I get emotional, I get out of control and act impulsively. Don't do that. If you feel yourself falling into the cycle, change direction. Instead of interacting with the person, walk away from them until you have had enough time to cool off and mull over what's going on with your feelings.
Always try to put a lot of space between this person and you, as hard as that seems. Start from the beginning, so that you don't feel it later on.
I think what's really important for you to realize is that "me" is not so bad. Tell yourself everyday "me" is lovable and deserves the best of everything. Work on your own self-esteem and confidence. And first and foremost, stop trying to get into relationshps right now. You're obviously not ready. You need to take some time to learn to love yourself first. And more importantly, learn to be your own best friend first.
Take one day to be depressed and frustrated alone. Then take another to be happy and positive. Then have several of those days mixed together. And then one day just choose to keep on the good side. Stop defining yourself by the relationships you have and who loves you. Define yourself by you and you alone. (no leaning as of yet). :P
And once you've learned to overcome your own insecurities, and balanced your emotions to a degree where you're dealing with them on your own, as opposed to laying them on someone else, you'll see a difference. ONLY THEN, will you be ready for a relationship with anyone.
I say all this because I understand every word you've said as I've been there. I believe you can do this, for both of our sakes, and for the sake of the people we interact with! :P Good luck. =)

EDIT: What you're explaning about your past shows that you're fickle. Yes, you've been hurt. And yes, most likely, your self-worth is very low because of this. Which is why I repeat that you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
By the way you're explaining it to me, I don't think you're in love at all sweetie, I think you're in love with the idea of being in love. I don't think you understand what it means to be in love, because love isn't defined by sexual intimacy, but by a combination of a lot of different things, not only sex. And I think the reason you have difficulty with this, or are clingy is because you never learned to love yourself, or be totally independent when dealing with your problems. This is why I said you SHOULDN'T be trying to have a relationship right now. You're not ready. Work on YOURSELF first.

Answer 2

Good to see you here, Just Be. I can't tell you how many times I looked at the board the past week or more and thought "Really? These questions are what this place has become?" To an extent, we do choose to filter some emotions out, particularly when those who seek to make us sad, hurt, or miserable do not own a piece of our hearts. Frankly, I really couldn't give a darn if the stranger on the train gets mad at me because I politely remind him that there is no cell phone use allowed on the car in which we are riding so he will stop shouting at whoever is on the other end of the phone. But to those whom we have given what matters most to us, a piece or all of our heart? Those are the ones who are able to make us sad, hurt, miserable, etc. as we have invested a part of ourselves. I know I get much more sad about things involving my wife than I do in any actions of ten others together. As for the man on the train, I will likely never see him again so why would I bother giving him any control over my emotions? I think emotions are all tied together so if you lost the capacity for the negative, the positive would go as well, or at least diminish to some extent. Why do we love the sunshine so? For we have seen the rain. Peace, Bill

Answer 3

Emotional Dependence

Answer 4

i am not trying to be mean to you , you need help, you may need to be on meds. Have you always felt this way, or did it begin when you reached a certain age? Maybe you test everyone to see if they will abandon you, if they love you no matter what, then they would stay with you. I guess it may be hard to be gay at times. it seems that you are in a positive place, because you are asking for help, i think that is probably the biggest and hardest step. find mayo clinic on line and ask questions there. I bet under all the confusion you are a terrific guy. hope to talk to you again. PEACE.

Answer 5

Yes, you can fix it. You are not in love with "someone" who treats you nice. You are in love with being treated nicely. You attach yourself to people just because they are being friendly. You need you sit down and think back through your life as to why you have such a strong need to have someone treat you nicely. Yes, we all like to be treated nicely and you should be as well but why do you react to it the way you do? When you were a child did one of your parents/immediate family members not show you much attention? Whatever the reason, once you figure out what this stems from, you can deal with that and then you will be able to handle friendliness appropriately. You can always seek therapy. Good Luck. It is a huge step that you realize that this is a problem!!

Answer 6

its not getting rid of an "emotional illness". you have no illness. you just need to be smarter about where you direct your emotions. if someone isn't responsive why waste your time? its like ramming your head into a wall over and over again. if anything you might do it because its all you know -- but constructive change is good. if you aren't getting any mojo off the person you are directing yours to then move on. you can't just sit and wait for them to come around or see you as the perfect mate. it doesn't happen like that anywhere but disney movies. you can't make people something they aren't. learn to accept people for who they are instead of what you want them to be -- you are probably scaring off a lot of people that would be great friends if you just learned to accept them as friends instead of trying to make them ideal mates.

Answer 7

It appears you have very low self-esteem and rely upon others to bolster your sense of worth. You need to get out in the world and try new things. Find something you enjoy doing and become good at it! Try new things! Put yourself out there and expand your focus. Your world is very small if you're only concentrating on one person. Also, one person (whoever they might be) does NOT want the responsibility of being everything to another person. I think you've learned that.

Answer 8

It seems that you need to devote some time to yourself instead of smothering someone else. It would do you some good to get a hobby or take up something that is fulfilling for you.

Answer 9

exercise your abilities, they are there
ponder on this one for a little while it may help. Winner's never quit and quitters never win
so keep trying, make new friends, create your own crowd, and until you know them really well just stay friends

Answer 10

My boyfriend and I are both emotional people. We are devoted and exclusive. These are very good things. We have found peace and security in our relationship because we love deeply. We are both kind, gentle, and nice...as you have stated.

So... I suppose we are the same "type" of people that you are...

There are some important lessons we have both learned with love and relationships, I hope these help you.

1. Do not allow yourself to "love" someone that does not love you too... When we "fall in love" those are emotional reactions - obviously. However, do not "choose" to continue to love... unless the feelings are reciprocated. Have this as a policy you create for approaching relationships. I was in love with a man once who did not love me... I made decisions...okay, I will go out with him on this date, if there is no progress...I am giving up. If he changes HIS mind later... he can try to win me back, but it will be as if the relationship was brand new...not because I wait for him.

2. My boyfriend would say to you... remain disciplined. Keep getting up early, be on time to work...focus at work, stick with your work outs. Be disciplined. Often our emotions keep us from doing what we need to do - normally. He believes that you should be responsible at all times (and I agree with him) and not allow yourself to be lazy or depressed.

3. Do not watch t.v. or do monotonous activities that are mindless. Go to the park with your friends and play volleyball or swim. Go bike riding with your neighbor. Be active... it distracts you, helps you gain perspective. Always...always have this kind of approach - especially when you love someone. It keeps your relationship, fresh.

4. Set limits... and write things down. If you want to call a boyfriend six times... don't do it. Write down what you want to say, and then write it down the next time you feel an urge again. After you have a list...select the most important things you wanted to say. Then review them to see if this is too much to say too soon. Be structured with your heart. If you think...well, I would rather he said this to me first... (like: I love you)... then make it a hard fast rule with yourself to wait for him to initiate that kind of talk.

You seem to me...to be a good person, who is ready for a REAL relationship. But, you must understand... that kind of relationship takes time to develop. You need the type of man that will be monogamous, date only you, treats you like you are the only woman breathing, and wants to include you in his life. My advice to you... do not try so hard to find love. Let it find you. Enjoy your day-to-day activities... but, do not focus on finding someone. That is when love sneaks up and grabs you before you ever knew it was there.

My boyfriend...when we met... did all kinds of things to get my attention. I thought he was so weird. But, I gave him my attention. Then...I realized...wow, this man is amazing. And, it humbled me. I could not imagine why he liked me and wanted me. But, he did... and, I think he is the only man in the world suited for my personality. He tells me to this day... it was my nose that caught his attention, and that the nose tells everything about a woman. He has a great sense of humor as you can see...

Best wishes to you...