My husband is having an inappropriate "friendship". Can we ever get past this?

Question

He is not sure if he wants to stay together. He calls and sees this other girl on a regular basis. They have gone on over night camp-outs together. But they are "just friends", she is "just someone to talk to". How can he not see that this is wrong? I think that he does know that it is not okay, but just doesn't care. We have 2 kids. I have been through a divorce. I can forgive and move on, but he does not even know what he wants to do. What can I do? I feel like he is just pushing me to my limit so that I am the one who leaves. But I do not want it to be over, I want to work things out and move on. Some one has got to have been in this situation. Please help me. I love him more than life and want to be together til death do us part. Please do not say that I am a doormat and should walk out. It is not that easy.

Answer 1

You teach people how to treat you, and you are a door mat. He's married and says they are just friends, right. Have some respect for yourself and kick his a$$ out, let the other female have him. I say this because you say he doesn't know what he wants...he should have figured that out BEFORE marriage.

Answer 2

May I suggest reverse tactics. Don't be mean, just become distant and unconcerned. Find something else to do. Don't call after him, don't look for him, just get busy doing something else. When he comes home just act like you don't even notice he has been gone.

You are too clingy and insecure right now and he knows it. He has you right where he wants you, and that is needy. If you can hold out and do this right, he will come around to find out why you are not the insecure one anymore and he will become the insecure one. This really works. You will be amazed. But you have to be strong and not drool after him.

You see this is what he is doing to you right now. Do you see how well it works on you? Even though he is a dog seeing another woman, because he treats you this way, you think you love him more than life it's self.

Give my suggestion a try and see what happens. Be strong you can do it. Remember reverse tactics. Turn the tables on him.

Answer 3

Well, dear, you could quietly fight fire with fire.

Establish a routine of dinner, bath and bed for the kids. Have the house quiet by, say, 8:30 every night.

Go take a hot bath, put on something, ummm, appealing,...and a little makeup. Then do what you do, watch TV or read a book or do your nails. Go to bed early.

Eat nutritious, balanced meals and incorporate a good multi-vitamin into your diet. Take a walk with the kids every day.

Occupy their time. Go online to free preschool/elementary activities/curriculum. Have the kids do "lessons" in the mornings. Color, paint, and glue, and display their work in the dining room/kitchen wherever...

Smile.

He likes to camp? Okay, then ... have family night at the drive in.....or put the camp chairs on the back patio and invest in one of those fire pits. Establish a routine of having the house settled by 8:30.

Go sit by the fire pit, have a glass of wine, wind down for the day, even if you do it alone. We always look good in the glow of firelight. Let him come home and find you there.

No point argueing. He's obviously chosen how he is going to behave. Now you chose how you will behave.

Focus on what you have to do in a day. Only say positive things, no argueing, he's already decided, remember? Eat right, get enough rest, and give her what for (which is you, rested, happy, and welcoming him home).

9:00 every night give him something to miss out on.

"Oh, hon, last night I had the candles out, and a bottle of Whatever in the fridge. I missed you." Give him "the look" and walk away. Go throw in a load of towels. Leave the little "something appealing" you wore last night unused on the bed where he can see it. Repeat daily.

This other girl has nothing on you except her ability to be alone with him. He has no responsibilities when he's with her. He's just Bob. And she likes it.

So, you like it, too. Her best weapon against you is you. Act like the nagging, bit@chy wife and you lose. You have home and hearth, kids and husband. Act like you intend to keep that intact. Treat him as if he's already dropped her, and you can get on with the rest of your life. Aim for the end result.

Answer 4

It is hard to carry on with a marriage when only one person is willing to hold onto it. And yes, it does appear he is waiting for you to kick him out so he wont have to feel so badly. You can fight for the man you love or you can walk away.
Personally, I have been through this before. Not like this though in my current marriage. Before, I tried many times to hold on to my first husband. There were many girls. And every time he did and I took him back, I lost a small part of me. I became so obsessed with keeping him. Then I woke up and realized I deserved better than that and so did our son. Believe me, I tried everything to make him happy. And unless he was in front of me, I could not trust him. In the end, he never earned that trust.
I would just say, give it your best effort. If it works out, you'll have to contended with issues you can't see right now, but you'll still have him. If it does not, you will know you tried.

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about this. Ithink the only way this can work out is if you both want it to. Sitting down and telling him how you feel is a good idea but he has to decide he wants it too. I had a short lived affair that sort of started as a inapropriate friendship on my husband about 2 years ago and we have pretty well worked it out. I still have alot of guilt and I try my hardest to reassure my husband how much I love him. He also still deals with some insecurities. but mostly we are doing well. It definately takes work from both people though. good luck.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to say but I think that 'just friends' never works in a marriage. Usually one of the parties is wanting to be more than friends and waiting for the opportunity to go through with their desire. You should be your husband's best friend. No don't walk out. Show him that you are not only a great lover, mother but work hard at being his friend so that he talks to you before he turns elsewhere. I don't believe walking out is the answer. It is a challenge in your relationship that you two need to work through!

Answer 7

Patiently and compassionatley listen to your husband to understand him and gently share with him your concerns about this relationship and how it is damaging to your marriage together. This level of intimacy and emotional closeness with someone other than his spouse, isn't appropriate. Tell him you love him but that this is wrong and hurtful. Show love for your spouse, but also draw a line - saying "this really has to stop". Such intimate and close relationships like this often lead to affairs and temptation.

You can both get past this and your marriage can continue to flourish. If there is commitment by the couple to be faithful, to love each other as spouses, to their marriage, to show integrity, provide strength, respect, openess, compassion, forgiveness and honesty to another. And if you build your relationship with God and ask Him to help you love each other in a selfless, Christlike way.

Answer 8

I realize that it isn't that hard to leave... especially when kids are involved. BUT, I also realize that it's very hard to be "just friends" (especially when it comes to guys!), besides, if he is "just friends" with her- why does he need an over night camp out?
So, you should sit him down and say "imagine if I was friends with (male name of someone he knows) and if we went on an over night camp out.. how would you feel? put him in your shoes.
I'm so sorry to hear this is going on, I totally agree with you when you said "I feel like he is just pushing me to my limit so that I am the one who leaves." It seems so.. trying to make you fed up with him so he could go on & be happy with her.
I'm sorry, but he shouldn't have married you unless he thought it was going to be forever.. he needs to definately put more effort into YOU and the kids, not her! If he needs alone time, he can find a guy friend. Good luck..

Oh, and it's a key element as to how you found out about this "friendship".. one thing I found with my current boyfriend is: if he tells me about it- it's usually an ok situation, but if I have to discover it on my own (through odd hours & weird phone calls) that's when I need to be on high alert. How did you find out about the "friendship"?

Answer 9

There are a few things you have to ask your husband :

1. Why do he feel the need to maintain that level of contact with this girl ?

2. Is maintaining that contact worth losing your you over?

3. Isnt making you happy more important than this companionship ?

4. how would he honestly feel about u doing the same ??

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Answer 10

Wow you seem so in love, and thats a great thing. What you need to do is make your husband realize that you're something he wants to keep close, that YOU'RE the one he wants to talk to and take out to overnite trips. TAlk to him and ask him, whats in these other females that's not in you. And be very frank with him. Tell him your not a doormat. tell him that you're willing to forgive forget and live till death do you part. Good Luck, i really hope it all goes well, and ill pray for you darling.

Answer 11

I had been in that situation. Give yourselves some space from one another. Continue to be faithful to your marriage vows and face things as they come. Pray for guidance and strength and prioritizing your kids.

You're far from being a doormat. You're a very wonderful person who has her wings clipped at the moment. I say, spread your wings again.